DEAR ABBY: "Friend of a Lonely Child" (Nov. 7) complained his wife didn't like him befriending the neighbor boy, "Donny," whose father is terminally ill.

Many years ago, I was that child. My home life was a mess, and the neighbors ended up raising me and teaching me about life. I am positive the only reason I didn't end up in prison was the concern of those people.

Mr. and Mrs. P. taught me manners and work ethic, Mr. and Mrs. M. schooled me in kindness and compassion, and the local store owner, Mr. R., taught me economics. He'd never let my credit go over $3, and he'd charge me a quarter a week if I didn't pay it off! Here I am at 51, having never made a credit card interest payment or taken a loan to term, thanks to him. I loved those neighbors more than I loved my own family.

"Friend," your wife is right. You can't save everyone, but a little kindness and mentoring can change a child's life. And all it will cost you is a little time. -- THANKFUL FOR OHIO NEIGHBORS

DEAR THANKFUL: Like you, many readers encouraged this man to continue in his role of father figure. My newspaper readers comment:

DEAR ABBY: I have two daughters who are now grown. Many of their friends spent a lot of time in our home and at our dinner table. Many of them were from troubled backgrounds. Sharing our home with others never deprived our daughters of love and attention. Instead, they learned the importance of giving.

After the friends grew up I was surprised and touched when they told me how much the time we shared had meant to them. I never realized I was making a difference.

Abby, "Friend's" wife is blessed to have such a caring husband. Yes, sometimes we are our brother's keeper. -- CHRIS IN ARIZONA

DEAR ABBY: As a single mom of a son, I was fortunate to have men around who took him under their wings. They provided friendship, male bonding and examples of how a true man treats a woman. I never fail to express my thanks to their wives and family members for allowing their husbands and fathers to spend time with my son. Because of it, he has become a better man and future husband. Maybe "Friend" and his wife can set predetermined times at which Donny can visit for male companionship. -- PROUD MOM IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR ABBY: As the mother of two daughters, I didn't have a great deal of interaction with 10-year-old boys until my nephew came to stay with us for an entire summer. His father was gravely ill and succumbed while the boy was living with us. As his mom dealt with the issues concerning his father's death, our nephew became a member of our household. It ended up being a tremendous experience.

"Friend's" wife needs to open her heart. She'll be given a wonderful gift and help a child in the process. -- PHYLIS IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR ABBY: Big Brothers/Big Sisters is an excellent organization, but it cannot replace the more frequent contact of a neighbor who recognizes and empathizes with the boy's fatherless situation. If "Friend's" heart leads him to mentor the neighbor boy, he should continue to build that friendship. Whether or not his wife feels the same shouldn't guide his actions. One makes many commitments to one's spouse, but closing one's eyes and heart to those in need isn't one of them. -- DENNIS IN KANSAS

DEAR ABBY: It's a pity the wife doesn't recognize that her daughters have a chance to see a man at his best -- caring for and protecting someone in need. The girls will seek these qualities in the men they bring into their lives, and it will add joy to the entire family. The best families always have plenty of love to go around for everyone. -- STEPHEN IN EUGENE, ORE.

DEAR ABBY: My fiance, "Kip," and I are being married next year and we have only one disappointment. It's about my keeping my last name. I don't want to take Kip's last name.

I have had the same name for 33 years and I do not believe a woman "has" to take her husband's name when they marry. However, the biggest issue for me is my fiance never knew his father, who left when Kip was a baby. I do not wish to take the name of a man who neither of us knows, and who had no positive influence on our lives. I'm part of a close-knit family, and I am proud to bear the name of my father -- a hardworking, dedicated Vietnam veteran.

Am I out of line? We will accept your answer because we are unable to resolve this ourselves. -- STANDING MY GROUND IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR STANDING: While most women still change their names to their husband's (or hyphenate them), those who don't usually have established themselves in a career in which they are known by their maiden name. Others fear that if they change their names they'll lose their identity.

No one can or should decide this for you. However, if Kip did know his dad and the man was a fine, upstanding citizen, would you feel differently? Remember, you are marrying Kip, not his father, and I assume your fiance is a wonderful person. Given your logic, because he had no relationship with his father, should he change his name to yours? Please make no decisions about this until you two have talked this out more fully.

DEAR ABBY: My siblings and I never hear from my grandmother unless she's in town, and then it's usually for one day out of the two weeks she's here. She never calls on holidays, birthdays or just to say hello. Yes, we call her on these special days.

We have other grandparents who wouldn't let a week go by without calling to ask how we are, how we are doing in school or just to talk.

My mom is a grandma to my oldest sister's children and when she doesn't see or hear from them within a week, she'll call or visit them. (By the way, my grandmother is retired, very healthy and travels. When she does, we don't even get a postcard!) What's wrong with her? -- HURT FEELINGS IN MASSACHUSETTS

DEAR HURT FEELINGS: I agree that you didn't get the standard-issue doting, cookie-baking grandmother. Not knowing her, I can't explain the reason for her distant behavior, but I'm positive it has nothing to do with you personally. She may be preoccupied with her own life, or it may have something to do with the relationship she has with your parents. If you really want the answer to your question, the person you should ask is your grandmother the next time she comes to town.

DEAR ABBY: When I'm out in public, there's always someone saying, "Oh, you're so tiny!" or, "I didn't see you down there," or, "You're so cute!" Abby, I am 83 years old with white hair. I was never tall to begin with, and I have lost close to 4 inches due to a bad back (with constant pain), spine surgery and osteoporosis.

Please remind your readers to abstain from making remarks about a person's size. I don't feel "cute," and I don't appreciate the constant reminders about my disability. Am I too sensitive? -- VERTICALLY CHALLENGED IN ANN ARBOR, MICH.

DEAR VERTICALLY CHALLENGED: I don't think so. You have stated your feelings very well, but I'm pleased to remind readers that comments about someone's personal appearance ("You're so tall," "You're so small, "You're so thin") can hit a sore spot, and to refrain from saying the first thing that comes to mind because it may be rude or hurtful.

DEAR ABBY: Several years ago my mother-in-law had to be placed in a nursing care residence because of dementia. When I visited her, it became more and more difficult to find things to talk about, until one day I came across her old address book. The idea struck me to take it with me each time I visited her, and what a success it was!

I started at the beginning of the "A" section, giving her a name and asking her to tell me about that person. She remembered a lot about most of the people in the book and related wonderful stories of friendships in rural America during the Great Depression of the 1930s. Of course, there were hardships, too. She and my father-in-law worked side-by-side on the farm to support their family.

Our "story time" visits continued until full-blown Alzheimer's disease set in. I only hope she enjoyed our times together as much as I did. They were special to me, and I'd always leave the nursing home with a smile. -- FOUND A WAY IN KANSAS

DEAR FOUND A WAY: I'm sure your mother-in-law enjoyed those visits, and what a treasure trove of family history she must have shared with you. Please write down all the stories you remember for the rest of the family because they are priceless. Your idea was brilliant, and thank you for sharing it with me and my readers.

DEAR ABBY: I have recently become engaged. I have been planning this day since I was a little girl. My problem is my mother. She's a little bit of a control freak. She plans to pay for the wedding -- which is nice and I appreciate it -- but at the same time I feel like she's ignoring my plans and substituting hers. Every time I tell her what I'd like, she tries to persuade me to do what she wants.

I even tried once being rude and telling her that she has had four weddings and this one is mine, but she got defensive when I tried to be frank with her. I feel like nothing I suggest is good enough. I don't want to spoil this for her because I'm her only daughter, but I don't want her spoiling it for me because HOPEFULLY this will be my only wedding. -- LOSING PATIENCE IN LOUISIANA

DEAR LOSING PATIENCE: This may not be what you would like me to say, but as long as your mother is footing the bills for your wedding, she will have some say in the planning. If you prefer to make this a one-woman production -- and that's your privilege -- thank her warmly for her generous offer and tell her you can't accept it, and that you will be planning and paying for your wedding yourself.

DEAR ABBY: I work in a small, quiet office. My boss sits at the desk across from me and spends a great deal of time biting his nails. The noise drives me crazy and turns an otherwise pleasant work experience into a stressful one. I've tried turning up the radio, to no avail. Do you have any suggestions on how to tell my boss that he has a loud and nasty habit? -- TRAPPED WITH A NAIL-BITER

DEAR TRAPPED: No, I do not, and I recommend against you doing it. Be thankful he's not biting his toenails.