DEAR ABBY: I am a very feminine 23-year-old woman who lives at home with my father. I am completely uninterested in getting married or having children now or in the future. I don't believe it's the end of the world to be a woman and not want children, but my dad and my grandmother act as though I'm abnormal. Dad says he blames himself for "failing to raise me right."

He also blames himself for the fact that I'm not interested in guys. The thought of being intimate with a guy is disgusting to me. I identify as mostly asexual, although I have had passing infatuations with women. Dad takes this personally like he is responsible for my desires, or lack thereof. Grandma is worse. She constantly makes excuses to my male friends about how I'm just "not ready yet" and that they should be "patient."

Abby, I know nothing I say will change their minds, but is there something I can do to make them understand they didn't fail? This is who I am. How can I end the guilt trip and keep the peace? -- BORN THIS WAY IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR BORN THIS WAY: People who have no sexual feelings are asexual. People who are attracted to members of the same sex are gay, and they, too, are born that way. It has nothing to do with the way they are raised.

You cannot live your life trying to please your father and grandmother, and you have nothing to apologize for. If you need help explaining why you are the way you are, contact PFLAG (Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays), an organization that can provide you with literature that will explain it to them. You can find more information at www.pflag.org.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 37-year-old wife and mother of three. My mother visits us when she's in town during work-related trips, so it's not like she's around all day, thank heavens. But when she's here she constantly corrects my children (ages 8, 14 and 18) and instructs my husband and me how we should spend our money. She also doesn't like it when I swear (which I usually don't do unless she's around) or mention what I think of people she has sent my way who have burned me.

By the time she leaves -- usually four days -- I am so stressed and emotional that I cry at the drop of a hat. I cannot, nor do I want to, continue to have her here when she doesn't respect my rules. I respect her rules when I visit her home.

Obviously, there is much more, but I'm stressed to the max and nearly at the point of being done. Abby, can you give me any pointers to deal with this? -- VISIT OR NOT?

DEAR VISIT OR NOT?: After you have calmed down, and before your mother's next "raid," write her a letter. Explain that while you love her, her visits are taking a significant emotional toll on you. Say she is welcome as long as she refrains from correcting your children because that's your job. Say also that she must stop telling you what to do with your money and correcting your language because you're an adult now. Remind her not to send any more people your way, and why. If she can accept those terms, she'll be welcomed with open arms. Some people need ground rules spelled out for them, and your mother appears to be one of them.

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating "Kyle" for more than six months, but I have loved him for more than two years. I always thought we had a wonderful relationship and that Kyle was a sweet, innocent guy. Well, he just confided to me that he has an Internet porn addiction! I'm very hurt by this and don't want to lose him. What should I do? (By the way, we're both 14.) -- INNOCENT TEEN IN MICHIGAN

DEAR INNOCENT TEEN: You should urge Kyle to get help for his addiction. Addiction, by definition, is behavior that is compulsive and out of control.

The problem with teenage boys getting involved with Internet porn is it gives them an unrealistic expectation of how regular, normal women look and act. Although you don't want to lose him, becoming more involved could lead to his wanting to try out his sexual fantasies with you -- and if you go along with it, it will land you in a world of trouble. The smart thing to do is end this relationship now.

DEAR ABBY: My daughter "Denise's" fiance is 12 years older than she is and still lives with his parents. "Leo" is turning Denise into his mother.

I first noticed it when she cut her beautiful long hair short and in the same style as his mother. Now her lipstick shade is the same as Leo's mother's as well as her glasses and clothing.

At a recent gathering I remarked to Leo, "Wow, Denise looks more like your mother than she does me." After that, our relationship soured. Apparently, he didn't like my observation. Was I wrong? -- CREEPED OUT IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR CREEPED OUT: No. But you may have said it to the wrong person. You should have said it to your daughter, who may be doing it because she thinks Leo's mother has great taste. Denise could also be consciously or unconsciously doing this to please him.

There's an old song, "I Want a Girl Just Like the Girl That Married Dear Old Dad." Many men idealize their mothers, and it may be a reason why Leo still lives with his parents.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are empty nesters. We both work and live far from our kids and grandkids. I have wanted to move closer to them, but I also understand we need to meet our goals for a secure retirement.

The problem is, I'm lonely and I think my husband is, too. We work long hours and spend our weekends doing chores. My solution to help myself feel better is to get a dog. My husband, however, doesn't want one. He wants to wait until "later" -- whenever that is. I think a pet would make me leave work earlier and force both of us to get out of the house. I know there are expenses involved, but I'm willing to make sacrifices.

Am I being unreasonable or silly? I want my husband to be a part of raising a pet and, perhaps, participate in some obedience training. I'm trying my best to persuade him without being a nag, but I'm beginning to feel like a little kid who's begging "Daddy" for a puppy. I'd appreciate some advice. -- PINING FOR A PUPPY IN TEXAS

DEAR PINING: Before embarking on a "pet" project, don't you think you should first find out what may be causing your husband's behavior? While a dog could work wonders and help you both be more active, between his job and the weekend chores, taking a puppy to obedience training may be too much for him. If he's not up to it, would you be willing to shoulder that task -- and the walking, feeding, grooming and cleaning up?

An energetic puppy can be a lot to handle. Would you consider adopting an older dog, or fostering one that needs a temporary home? I don't recommend bringing a dog into your lives unless your husband agrees. And if he doesn't, please consider volunteering a few days a month at an animal shelter or pet rescue kennel.

DEAR ABBY: "Friend of a Lonely Child" (Nov. 7) complained his wife didn't like him befriending the neighbor boy, "Donny," whose father is terminally ill.

Many years ago, I was that child. My home life was a mess, and the neighbors ended up raising me and teaching me about life. I am positive the only reason I didn't end up in prison was the concern of those people.

Mr. and Mrs. P. taught me manners and work ethic, Mr. and Mrs. M. schooled me in kindness and compassion, and the local store owner, Mr. R., taught me economics. He'd never let my credit go over $3, and he'd charge me a quarter a week if I didn't pay it off! Here I am at 51, having never made a credit card interest payment or taken a loan to term, thanks to him. I loved those neighbors more than I loved my own family.

"Friend," your wife is right. You can't save everyone, but a little kindness and mentoring can change a child's life. And all it will cost you is a little time. -- THANKFUL FOR OHIO NEIGHBORS

DEAR THANKFUL: Like you, many readers encouraged this man to continue in his role of father figure. My newspaper readers comment:

DEAR ABBY: I have two daughters who are now grown. Many of their friends spent a lot of time in our home and at our dinner table. Many of them were from troubled backgrounds. Sharing our home with others never deprived our daughters of love and attention. Instead, they learned the importance of giving.

After the friends grew up I was surprised and touched when they told me how much the time we shared had meant to them. I never realized I was making a difference.

Abby, "Friend's" wife is blessed to have such a caring husband. Yes, sometimes we are our brother's keeper. -- CHRIS IN ARIZONA

DEAR ABBY: As a single mom of a son, I was fortunate to have men around who took him under their wings. They provided friendship, male bonding and examples of how a true man treats a woman. I never fail to express my thanks to their wives and family members for allowing their husbands and fathers to spend time with my son. Because of it, he has become a better man and future husband. Maybe "Friend" and his wife can set predetermined times at which Donny can visit for male companionship. -- PROUD MOM IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR ABBY: As the mother of two daughters, I didn't have a great deal of interaction with 10-year-old boys until my nephew came to stay with us for an entire summer. His father was gravely ill and succumbed while the boy was living with us. As his mom dealt with the issues concerning his father's death, our nephew became a member of our household. It ended up being a tremendous experience.

"Friend's" wife needs to open her heart. She'll be given a wonderful gift and help a child in the process. -- PHYLIS IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR ABBY: Big Brothers/Big Sisters is an excellent organization, but it cannot replace the more frequent contact of a neighbor who recognizes and empathizes with the boy's fatherless situation. If "Friend's" heart leads him to mentor the neighbor boy, he should continue to build that friendship. Whether or not his wife feels the same shouldn't guide his actions. One makes many commitments to one's spouse, but closing one's eyes and heart to those in need isn't one of them. -- DENNIS IN KANSAS

DEAR ABBY: It's a pity the wife doesn't recognize that her daughters have a chance to see a man at his best -- caring for and protecting someone in need. The girls will seek these qualities in the men they bring into their lives, and it will add joy to the entire family. The best families always have plenty of love to go around for everyone. -- STEPHEN IN EUGENE, ORE.