DEAR ABBY: I'm 23, the only child of a controlling, paranoid, hermit-like and hyper-religious mother and a peace-loving, passive father. I graduated from college last year. Shortly after, my boyfriend and I accepted dream jobs in the same town several hours away from my parents.

Mom was appalled. She "warned" me that I wouldn't last and would come home. Instead, I have embraced my new city and job. Mom is at her wits' end. When I mentioned that my boyfriend had recorded a movie for me, she said he was controlling me via technology. If I tell her about a project I initiated at work, she says my employer is taking advantage of me.

Mom pays for a landline in my apartment that I don't want, but she insists because she's convinced that cellphones cause cancer. She calls me constantly, and if I don't answer she leaves frantic messages about how "disrespectful" I am, and how she and Dad are "praying for my soul."

This has gotten out of control. I try talking to her, but she won't listen and laughs at the idea of counseling. She says it's her "job" to tell me what to do. My father agrees that her behavior and approach are wrong, but says she has good intentions and I need to "work with her."

Abby, I don't know what to do. She's becoming increasingly controlling and worried about my soul. I'm worried that my distance is affecting her health. Some advice, please! -- WANTS A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP WITH MOM

DEAR WANTS: If you return home because you're afraid having moved away and asserting your independence is negatively affecting your mother's health, you will never have a life of your own. Because she laughs at the idea of counseling doesn't mean that you shouldn't get some in order to help you separate yourself from her constant efforts to manipulate you.

Her dependence on you is not normal. That's why you should enlist the help of a mental health professional. It will give you some insight in how to deal with her. If you try to "work with her" without that help, she will suck you in and you will never be free.

DEAR ABBY: I have very nice neighbors who believe in leaving the wild and natural growth on their property. They have posted a sign that claims it to be a "certified natural habitat." They never weed or cut anything back. At first, it was cared for, but now it has become an eyesore, and people who visit our house have made comments.

I have tried to grow border plants to hide the mess, but nothing seems to help. I believe it affects the value of our home. My husband doesn't want me to say anything for fear of hurting their feelings. They're nice people, but we don't live in a rural area where this might be more acceptable. Have you any suggestions? -- THORN IN OUR SIDE

DEAR THORN: Yes. Who certified your neighbors' yard as a "natural habitat"? The city? If so, call City Hall and find out if their yard still qualifies. What you have described may be a fire hazard, so some investigation may be in order. If there is a homeowners association in your neighborhood, it should also be contacted to ensure their house is in compliance with the codes, covenants and restrictions. If necessary, someone who is close to these neighbors should volunteer to "help" them with their yard. A natural landscape can be beautiful, but only if it's properly maintained.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 40-year-old female in the military who has been married for a few years. When I got married, I was slim, had a full head of beautiful, long hair and hardly any medical problems. Over the last couple of years I have developed a host of medical issues, all related to the harsh conditions of my deployments.

My husband is shorter than I am, thin and three years younger. I have gained more than 40 pounds due to steroid treatments. I had to cut my long hair because it was falling out from stress. I look nothing like the woman I was when we were married. I look mannish!

Abby, my husband no longer seems proud to be seen with me in public. He won't hold my hand, and he walks behind me or ahead of me so it doesn't appear we're together. I have tried talking to him about it, but he pretends nothing is wrong.

I think we look ridiculous together. Now that I'm so unattractive, the differences in height and our ages bother me more. I am embarrassed, ashamed, avoiding social situations and becoming a recluse. Doctors won't do anything to help me because they say it's a "cosmetic" issue. I don't know where to begin to dig myself out of this miserable existence. -- NO LONGER MYSELF IN MARYLAND

DEAR NO LONGER YOURSELF: I disagree with your doctors. This isn't a "cosmetic" issue. You are depressed! Please consult both another primary physician, preferably female, who can identify with the feelings you're having, and a psychologist.

Yes, you have put on weight, but patients aren't permanently on steroids. Your hair will grow out with time. But in the meantime, you may need psychological counseling to get you through this. Your husband may not be less proud to be seen with you. You may be projecting your own feelings onto him.

You're a strong woman. Please talk to a psychologist who can help you get your head straight. Happiness is the best cosmetic there is, and once you get a handle on your emotions, you will become your old self again.

DEAR ABBY: This is an open letter to parents out there who bring their kids to adults-only events because they couldn't get a baby sitter, but didn't want to miss out on a fun time. Listen, folks -- when you signed on for parenthood, you gave up the privilege to party anytime you want. An invitation stating "adults only" means just that. Do not expect the hosts to tone it down because you were too selfish to stay home with your child.

I attended a 50th birthday party to which one mom brought her 5-year-old daughter. She then requested the host "sanitize" the event, but he refused. That mom spent most of the time covering her child's eyes. (She tried to cover the girl's ears, too, without success.)

Not only was there a racy birthday cake and adult toys as gifts, but the adults weren't holding back in conversations, either. Instead of leaving, the mom stayed -- until the male stripper started performing. She was mad, but it was her own fault that her little daughter witnessed more than she should have.

Parents should be grown-ups. That means occasionally missing out on something because they are no longer single and childless. Please don't mess up somebody's party with your selfishness. -- RESPONSIBLE MOM IN L.A.

DEAR RESPONSIBLE MOM: I agree. You have stated it well. Not only was it unfair to the host and other guests, it was inappropriate for the child.

DEAR READERS: Today we remember the Rev. Martin Luther King Jr., who was martyred in the cause of civil rights in 1968. "Nonviolence," he preached, "is a powerful and just weapon ... which cuts without wounding and ennobles the man who wields it. It is a sword that heals." His was a voice of reason in a time of insanity, silenced too soon.

DEAR ABBY: I retired two years ago at age 50 after working for 30 years. My wife and I are financially secure and I'm enjoying every day of my retirement. However, my wife -- who is younger -- won't be eligible to retire from her job for another five years. She is becoming more and more abrasive toward me. I suspect it's because she's jealous of my retirement status.

She constantly accuses me of being lazy. Abby, I don't sit around all day. In addition to doing the yard work, house upkeep, and repair and maintaining our cars, I do all the grocery shopping, help with the laundry, dishes, general cleanup and take care of our pets. Despite all this, my wife still bemoans my sleeping late in the morning (9 a.m.) and not going to a regular job like she does.

I'm still young enough to get another job. Should I go back to work until she retires? -- SHOULD BE HAPPY IN TAMPA

DEAR SHOULD BE HAPPY: That's not a bad idea, but don't start looking until your wife has told you plainly why she has become "abrasive." Wouldn't it be interesting if all she wanted was for you to have a cup of coffee with her in the morning? It would be a shame if you went back to work only to realize that something else was causing her change in attitude. You deserve to know what's going on because you do not appear to be lazy -- quite the contrary.

DEAR ABBY: I'm an adult woman, working full time for my parents as their store manager. I do a lot of office work for my dad, who hates computer work. He has an eBay business on the side, which I manage for him.

My problem is, eBay shows me what Dad has shopped for every time I log on. Some of the items are of a personal, intimate nature, and I'm not comfortable knowing about them. I'm glad my parents have a healthy marriage, but it's way too much information for me. As a family, we don't communicate well, so I don't know how to handle this. My husband had no suggestions, so I turn to you. -- REALLY DON'T WANT TO KNOW

DEAR REALLY DON'T: Try this: Send your father an email telling him that you feel some of the items he is buying online are not things that a daughter should be seeing. Include as an attachment your letter to me. That should do the trick.

DEAR ABBY: My grandmother recently bought me a plane ticket to go visit her. In the airport on the way back home, the flight was overbooked and I agreed to be bumped to another flight in exchange for a free ticket to be used or given to someone else within a year.

My mother says the free ticket belongs to my grandmother because she paid for it. I say I should use it for myself because it is compensation for the lost time and trouble of switching flights. What do you think? -- MINNESOTA TRAVELER

DEAR TRAVELER: Your mother has a point. Offer the ticket to your grandmother. If you're lucky, she'll tell you to keep and enjoy it. If she doesn't, at least you'll know you did the right thing. (When you give in the true spirit of giving, it will come back to you -- or so it implies in Ecclesiastes.)

DEAR ABBY: I sneeze a lot at work. I don't know if it's the dust or what. When I do, someone always says "bless you" afterward. I don't care to be blessed, but I think people would be insulted if I told them it isn't necessary. Should I tell them not to? -- ALREADY BLESSED IN IOWA

DEAR ALREADY BLESSED: If you prefer that nobody say "bless you," you should say so. But do it before your next sneezing attack so your co-workers will be forewarned. I'm sure they'll abide by your wishes -- unless they just say it out of habit. And then it's a knee-jerk reaction, not a blessing.