DEAR ABBY: I caught my 16-year-old daughter, "Krista," smoking marijuana. I punished her for it, but never told my wife because I was afraid she'd force me to make a decision that I don't want to make.

I have been married to my second wife for three years. For much of that time, Krista has been a nightmare. When she goes to school, more often than not she's in the principal's office for bad behavior. At home she's worse. She doesn't listen to anyone. We have tried every type of punishment we can think of and nothing has worked.

Recently, my wife brought up the idea of sending Krista to a boarding school for troubled teens. At first, the suggestion made me angry, but after the marijuana incident I am more receptive to it. I am wracked with guilt. Sending my daughter away makes me feel like a failure as a father. But there may be no other choice. How does a parent know when enough is enough? -- FED-UP FATHER IN MINNESOTA

DEAR FATHER: Do not send your daughter away to a boarding school for "troubled teens" without first having a psychologist identify what is troubling her. If you do what your wife is suggesting, your daughter could return home with more problems than she left with. Sending her away should be a last resort. Some family counseling should be tried first.

DEAR ABBY: A friend has been confiding in me, telling me her husband abuses her. She says it has gone on the entire 12 years they have been together. He does it in front of the kids, sometimes even while she's nursing or holding their youngest. He also threatens to shoot her. I'm afraid for her safety.

She left him once, but went back after he promised to change and temporarily became the charming man she wishes him to be. She knows she needs to leave again, and I have told her I'll help her in any way I can to make it happen. She's trying to hold out until she finishes her degree and can financially support the kids on her own. I'm afraid she won't make it that long.

I feel so helpless. I worry that by standing by and not taking some kind of action, I'll be partly responsible for anything that may happen to the kids. On the other hand, she tells me these things in confidence. What can I do to help? -- TERRIFIED FOR MY FRIEND

DEAR TERRIFIED: Continue encouraging your friend to leave. A man who abuses, terrorizes and threatens to shoot his wife -- in front of the children, yet -- would have no hesitation about hurting all of them.

By now she should have realized that her abuser will never be the man she imagined him to be. The time to leave is while things are calm -- before his next outburst. In order for him to control her, he needs to keep her dependent. If he senses that she's nearing a point where she can support herself and the children without him, he could explode.

Make sure she knows how to contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline. The toll-free number is 800-799-7233. The experts there can help her formulate as safe an escape plan as possible.

DEAR ABBY: I am currently in a relationship that has become a roller coaster ride for the last few months. My significant other is always accusing me of cheating. He also starts arguments for no reason. Sometimes I wonder if he is having an affair and trying to throw the blame on me for his guilt issues. What do you think? -- ARGUED OUT IN INDIANA

DEAR ARGUED OUT: That's very possible. Another reason might be that he's no longer interested in you and wants to break up. Rather than tolerate his emotional abuse, take the bull by the horns and ask him.

DEAR ABBY: May I respond to "Iowa Reader" (Nov. 10), the older woman who asked you where to turn when she needed to be hugged and listened to? I'm guessing she was married a long time and doesn't have any real friends -- just people from her married days.

I suggest she get a dog. While dogs can't hug or hold, they do love unconditionally. A dog is always happy to be with you, and will listen even though it can't talk back. I would have died of loneliness had it not been for mine. Through her, I have met other older single people on walks and at the dog park. She has given me a way to make new friends and find some company. -- MARCY IN OAKLAND, CALIF.

DEAR MARCY: Thanks for your suggestion. I promised "Iowa Reader" that if other readers shared ideas I would pass them along. Because of you and other compassionate readers, I received a wide range of heartfelt, helpful advice. My newspaper readers comment:

DEAR ABBY: I discovered a wonderful way to receive much-needed human contact -- partner dancing. I started with the Argentine tango, which might be a bit too much for some folks, but I have learned to absolutely love it. It's a safe way to enjoy an intimate connection with a member of the opposite sex, no strings attached.

It takes time to master the skills, but if you stick with it you'll find a community that shares a passion for a skill that's challenging and rewarding. Less-intimate forms of partner dance include swing, salsa and country dancing. If you love music and movement, and could use some exercise, I highly recommend it. -- CATHERINE IN HAWAII

DEAR ABBY: I was faced with the same situation when my husband passed away. I joined a Sunday school and found what I needed. Often, the only hugs I get are from people in our group.

I volunteer in the kitchen and since I like taking pictures, I've been appointed the class photographer. Others have also utilized their hobbies to reach out to people. We go on outings, and I have made many "huggable" friends. I urge "Iowa Reader" to visit places of worship and find one that has an active senior adult ministry. -- JO ANN IN ARLINGTON, TEXAS

DEAR ABBY: I have been a licensed massage therapist for 20 years. I suggest "Iowa Reader" seek out one. During her hour on the massage table she will be touched, nurtured and encouraged to speak about anything on her mind. It's my job to not only make her feel safe and healthy physically, but emotionally as well.

For many clients, I am their only source of touch. It gives me great joy to know that in some small way I can make an important difference in their overall well-being. -- HUGS FROM MAINE

DEAR ABBY: Volunteering to rock and cuddle low-birth-weight babies puts one in an environment where personal problems matter less. Brushing and petting dogs and cats at the SPCA can provide meaningful interaction because socialized animals are more likely to be adopted. There are poetry and writing groups, peer-to-peer counseling at her Area Agency on Aging, and "contact" sports like pingpong.

Abby, I once read in your column, "The best way to have a friend is to be one." To not overburden any one friend, some conversations are best done with God. -- RACHEL L.

DEAR ABBY: I encourage her to offer to tutor or read to kids at her local elementary school, visit residents at a nursing home or work at a homeless shelter. There are lots of others out there who need hugs and attention. Volunteers receive far more than they give. -- DIANNE IN GAINESVILLE, FLA.

DEAR ABBY: I work for the YMCA where we have a wonderful community of middle-aged and older people who work out together, spend time visiting during our potlucks, and who have formed circles of lasting friendships. -- CORINNE IN OREGON

DEAR ABBY: I went back to school, earned my master's and became a kindergarten teacher. I'm blessed with more hugs now than I know what to do with, and I'm told several times a week that I am loved. During summer vacation, my cat takes up the slack. -- LINDA IN PASCO, WASH.

DEAR ABBY: My 18-year-old-daughter, "Olympia," is a beautiful, intelligent young woman who graduated from high school last spring, was accepted to two universities and started her first job. When she lost it recently, she was devastated. Instead of trying to find another one, she decided to turn to prostitution. When I asked her why, she said she doesn't want to work her butt off for peanuts.

Other family members and I have tried to make Olympia see reason, but she's determined to do this. I am extremely frustrated with her decision. I have warned her about the dangers she'll face in that "occupation." I know she's of age now and needs to make her own choices, but I'm afraid for her and don't want to lose her if we have a huge argument over this. What can I do? -- ANXIOUS MOM IN SACRAMENTO

DEAR ANXIOUS MOM: For an "adult," your daughter's decision-making leaves a lot to be desired. Prostitution is illegal. It's not a viable career option. Is she aware that her "line of work" offers no job security and the benefits will last only as long as her looks hold up?

Regardless of the argument that may ensue, let her know that although you love her, you are worried sick about her, and disappointed and furious at her poor judgment because she has far more to offer than what she's selling. Warn her she's heading down a path that's hard to come back from. If she won't change her mind, then you must accept that your daughter will have to learn her lessons the hard way. But let her know your door will be open to her.

DEAR ABBY: Are you supposed to ignore an acquaintance when you notice she's in a doctor's waiting room with you? (Especially if it's a specialist's office that makes a particular condition obvious to an otherwise non-privy person?)

This has happened to me twice recently. One time, I avoided the acquaintance; the other, I broke the silence and said, "Is that you, So-and-So?" Both times it was awkward. I can understand why someone wouldn't want to be seen at certain doctors' offices. Should I have played dumb? -- STRIVING FOR DISCRETION IN NEW YORK

DEAR STRIVING: No, you should not have "played dumb." In the future, you should acknowledge your acquaintance, but refrain from asking questions. Any questions, including, "How are you?"

DEAR ABBY: I'm being married in a few months and there's still so much to do. The only thing I have decided so far is the date and location. I have gotten so stressed that I have actually passed out.

I keep asking my fiance to help me with decisions and particulars for the wedding, but he says, "It's your job. You're the bride." Then he continues his lazy ways around the house. How do I get him to help me plan our wedding? -- BRIDE IN A PANIC

DEAR BRIDE: How do I get you to realize you can't change your fiance, and that this is the man he will be after your wedding? If you manage to pull this event together by yourself, you will still have a husband who is lazy around the house and refuses to help you even when you become so stressed that you pass out.

Your fiance isn't the last man on planet Earth. If he doesn't have any good qualities -- you mentioned none -- you can do better than this.