DEAR ABBY: "She Has a Name in Georgia" (Dec. 2) complained that the care staff at the assisted living community where her mother lives calls her "Granny," "Grandma" and "Mamma." She found it disrespectful, and I agree with her.

I am an R.N. with two advanced nursing degrees. Calling a resident "Granny," "Dear" or "Honey" is not loving or caring. It is degrading, humiliating and hurtful! It does not matter what the ethnicity of the attendant is; there are standards of conduct and patient's rights. I suggest "She Has a Name" ask the director of the facility for copies of the standards of care and patient's rights documents.

The family may want to install a "nanny cam" in the room if it will provide peace of mind. There are many fine communities where care of the residents is professionally and caringly provided. I hope they are able to find one for their mother. -- RETIRED R.N. AND RESIDENT ADVOCATE

DEAR R.N.: Thank you for sharing your expertise on this subject. I didn't realize patient's rights were specified by the documents you mentioned or that how a resident is addressed is covered in them. Other health care professionals responded similarly, and I stand corrected. My newspaper readers comment:

DEAR ABBY: During school and in clinical rotations, we were repeatedly instructed to call clients by their names, especially in situations where memory was impaired. Not only does it help to reorient the patient as to who they are and help them to maintain their identity, but it provides a clear separation as to who is family and who is the caregiver.

The director should not have diminished the importance of the family's feelings on this matter. I suggest they consider relocating their mother to a facility that is more conscientious about the care they are being paid to provide. -- CAREGIVER IN FLORIDA

DEAR ABBY: The assisted living staff should not be calling her mother by those names. The legal term is "elder speak," or as it is commonly known -- baby talk. This infantilizes elders. It is detrimental to their care and contributes to "ageism," a process in which elders are perceived as less valuable than others.

The family was right to speak up and, regardless of cultural considerations, the staff and director should respect their wishes and refer to their mother by her appropriate name. -- SHOCKED R.N. IN CALGARY, CANADA

DEAR ABBY: Failure to address a patient/resident by his or her proper name is a violation of regulations and could be cited during surveys. If the patient preferred a nickname, the care plan conference team (staff department heads, family and patient) needed to make a notation in the care plan to allow the nickname to be used.

Most of this is covered by the Patient's Bill of Rights and falls under the "right to be treated with respect and dignity." Using terms like "Sweetie" or "Granny" is a symptom of the staff's failure to respect the patient's individuality. They are objectifying and dehumanizing the person and becoming too complacent (or lazy) to learn his or her name. Besides, if an aide approached me and said, "Granny is complaining of pain," which "Granny" am I supposed to attend to? -- RESPECTFUL GERIATRIC NURSE

DEAR ABBY: In Michigan, health care professionals are expected to call patients by name. In fact, my nephew was once called into his boss's office at the hospital and reprimanded when she overheard him say to a patient, "I'll show you the way to the X-ray unit, Grandma."

He was forgiven when he explained that the patient he was escorting was actually his real grandmother! -- JUST CALL ME BY NAME

DEAR ABBY: I am 26 and have been dating "Mike" for four years. We met in our senior year of college and recently became engaged. I'm looking forward to being married and starting a family, but there's one "small" problem. I'm in love with Mike's identical twin brother, "Matt."

Mike and Matt are identical in appearance, but Matt is funnier, more outgoing and affectionate than my fiance. I didn't know he existed until a year ago because they had a falling out at their high school graduation and didn't reconcile until recently.

When I met Matt, I knew right away he was the one for me, but I continued dating Mike because I didn't want to ruin his re-established relationship with his brother. Matt reciprocates my feelings. He has told me he's in love with me and wants to date me.

I know I shouldn't have accepted Mike's proposal, but I don't want to hurt him or start another fight between him and his twin, but I also don't want to be married to the wrong man for the rest of my life. I'm unsure what to do. The wedding date has been set. Help! -- IN LOVE WITH THE DOUBLE

DEAR IN LOVE: You should have put the brakes on the relationship with Mike the minute you realized you were attracted to Matt. The engagement should be ended immediately. That you would not only continue to date Mike but also accept his proposal of marriage knowing you were more attracted to his twin was cruel.

If Matt starts seeing you after the breakup, it will probably cause a permanent rift between them. It will be interesting to see what happens when you become available because with some people the "apple" that's just out of reach is the one that's most enticing -- and you may wind up married to neither brother.

DEAR ABBY: My 4-year-old son made a snowman in our front yard and then went inside to take a nap. Our neighbor came over with his son -- age 16 -- to talk to my husband.

When I brought my 3-year-old daughter outside to see the snowman her brother made, I was horrified to see it was now "anatomically correct"! I asked my husband who did it, and he said it was the neighbor's son. My husband thought it was funny and that I was overreacting.

I think the behavior was inappropriate, and the fact that my daughter saw it and wondered what was "hanging on the snowman" was no laughing matter. If the neighbor wanted to make an X-rated snowman, he should have made it in his own front yard. Do you think I'm being too sensitive? -- FAILS TO SEE THE HUMOR

DEAR FAILS TO SEE THE HUMOR: Yes, I do. While I agree the neighbor boy's "artistic endeavor" was in poor taste, it provided an opportunity to answer your daughter's question in a matter-of-fact way and explain there are anatomical differences between boys and girls. You could also have explained that private parts are not supposed to be displayed in public, and asked your husband to remove them as you took your little girl back into the house. Seeing the snowman would not traumatize your daughter as much as seeing you shocked and upset.

DEAR ABBY: Recently my 80-year-old mother was admitted to the hospital, gravely ill. She had been undergoing chemotherapy and caught double pneumonia. My 36-year-old niece went to visit Mama, took pictures of her lying in her hospital bed and emailed the photos to everyone.

It was shocking and upsetting seeing my mother this way. Many of the people who received the photos had not been able to visit her. Abby, what's your opinion on this, and how should it have been handled? -- SINCERELY UPSET IN FLORIDA

DEAR SINCERELY UPSET: I don't blame you for being upset. What your niece did was a gross invasion of privacy. Is this how your mother would have wanted people to see her? If the answer is no, your niece owes your mother an apology.

If your mother is still hospitalized, talk to the nurse in charge of the unit she's in and give her a list of visitors who should have access to her. Explain why you want visitation restricted, and in the future your mother's privacy will be assured.

DEAR ABBY: My sister's husband died suddenly three years ago. "Pamela" now says she's in love with a 60-year-old man I'll call "Mickey," whose company is doing construction work on her home. She has put on a new roof, siding and added a deck, and the jobs are not ending. Next on the schedule is a shed and a new coat of paint for the inside of the house.

Friends and family are concerned that Pamela is scheduling more jobs as a way to see Mickey. When I pointed out that he hasn't even invited her out for coffee, she claimed they have a "relationship" because he hugged her, kissed her on the cheek and told her, "You're my girlfriend."

Pamela has invited Mickey to family dinners and events, but he turns her down because "he's visiting relatives out of town." He has never invited her to go anywhere.

My sister should be ready to date now, but no one lives up to this man. None of us have met him, and we're worried she is just imagining there's a relationship. What can we do before Pamela goes broke or crashes emotionally? -- SOMETHING'S MISSING IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR SOMETHING'S MISSING: Do you know the name of Mickey's company? Start checking him out. Does he have a contractor's license? A Facebook page? Does anybody in the lumber or paint business know him? Something does seem fishy. Mickey may be married and your sister may be grasping at straws. But when all is said and done, it is her money.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 12-year-old girl who needs your advice. My friend and I went shopping a while back and she lent me money to buy a few things. However, later that day she lost the bag that had my stuff in it at the mall. One day she brought up that I have not paid her back, but I said I don't think I should have to pay her back since she lost the stuff she bought for me. Who do you think is right? -- NEEDS ADVICE IN OAKLAND, CALIF.

DEAR NEEDS ADVICE: You are. She's out the money; you're out the "goods." You're even. However, from now on when you buy something, take responsibility for it and keep it in your possession. That way, if something is lost, you will have no one to blame but yourself.