DEAR ABBY: I would like to tell "Possibly Paddled Pledge" (Jan. 13) that joining a sorority was one of the best parts of college for me. It taught me about interpersonal communication, the importance of philanthropy and academics, and networking. I learned skills I would not have gained had I not joined.

My sorority had paddles. We decorated them with our symbols and Greek letters, and they were displayed on the wall. We never used them to hit anyone. Our national organization, as well as our university would have been furious. Hazing is illegal and should not be tolerated.

I say, give the Greek life a try, but if someone ever lifts a finger toward you, report her to your panhellenic organization and the dean of students immediately. Sororities are supposed to lift you up, not beat you down. -- JENNIFER IN ST. LOUIS

DEAR JENNIFER: Readers unanimously agreed that paddling should not be tolerated, and stressed that being a legacy does not guarantee acceptance or that a pledge will have a good experience in a particular sorority. My readers comment:

DEAR ABBY: My daughter is currently in a sorority, but her experience has been very mixed. She was not automatically welcomed by my sorority. She found the process to be difficult and judgmental. However, she did find a wonderful group of women in a different sorority.

As a sophomore this year, she is on the other side of recruitment (rush) and again felt hurt by how rude some of the new girls were. "PPP's" letter spotlighted the snobbish, elitist attitude that turns many eligible young women away from sororities. To say a group is the best-of-the-best and exclusive is offensive. I hope more girls will look beyond the glitz and glamour and give a second hard look to all of the groups. -- JANE IN AKRON, OHIO

DEAR ABBY: My first month in college was wonderful. Then came sorority rush. What followed was hell. I got a paddle with the Greek letters, though it was only a "memento." Far worse was the social fragmentation of the women there. We immediately began to segregate into our little pledge classes, wore pins that identified our group and were typecast from the very beginning.

After wrestling with this psychological social dilemma -- even becoming an active member, which would preclude me from ever joining another sorority -- I finally deactivated, switched to a much larger school with less emphasis on the Greek system and happily sailed through the rest of my college life with honors. -- A HAPPY INDEPENDENT

DEAR ABBY: As a member of a sorority, I have never heard of a sorority that used paddles to hit members. What bothers me is the apparent acceptance by "PPP's" family members of this practice.

As a prosecutor for nearly 30 years, I do not condone in any way the use of a paddle, either in fraternities or sororities.

A sorority is more than academics and whispers about hazing. "PPP" should visit each chapter on the campus, attend rush and make her own decision. Only she can decide which sorority is right for her. If she pledges as a legacy, she'll be in a unique position to actively stop this practice if, in fact, it is occurring. If she's kicked out for not letting them paddle her, then she can shout it from the rooftops and maybe something will finally happen.

"PPP," stand up for what you believe. Choose a sorority you like, with women you would be proud to call your sisters, and you will have the time of your life and lifelong friends who will see you through your old age. I know. I didn't pledge my mom's chapter, but a different one. -- BEEN THERE IN MONTANA

DEAR ABBY: At a recent dinner party the men and women got into a heated debate about porn. The men said men love porn because it shows women enjoying sex with abandon. We women protested that women who behave this way in real life are labeled "sluts" by both men and women. Do men not realize this makes no sense? If you can't answer this, maybe your male readers can. -- NO FAN OF PORN

DEAR NO FAN: Not being an expert on the subject of pornography or why men enjoy it, I posed your question to a recognized expert -- Larry Flynt. His answer is different than the one given by the men at the dinner party. He said that men love porn because men are aroused by the visual. Then he added that women are more turned on by the written word, which is why torrid romance novels are so popular.

P.S. Women who enjoy sex with abandon are not necessarily "sluts." Many of them have high morals, are very happily married, and find it stimulating to watch porn with their husbands.

DEAR ABBY: I'm getting married this summer. I want to send an invitation to my brother, but I don't want his live-in girlfriend to come. We used to be friends until I realized she was lying to me and using me. Now she's with my brother, who is 23 years older than she is, which caused a rift in my relationship with him. We barely talk anymore.

I know I should be more understanding because it's my brother's life. He enjoys her company. But I find her hospitality fake -- just like the smile she puts on. She's not welcome at my wedding.

I want my brother there, but I'll feel terrible if he feels alone. What's the best way to handle this? Should I tell him verbally that only he is invited and not send an invitation? -- WANTS A HAPPY WEDDING IN MASSACHUSETTS

DEAR WANTS A HAPPY WEDDING: Telling your brother with whom you are no longer close that his live-in girlfriend isn't welcome at your wedding is sure to go over like a lead balloon. If you want him to be there, accept that his girlfriend is part of the package deal. You can bank on the fact that he would feel alone without her, so plan on seating them some distance from your table at the reception. It will make her presence less painful for you.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend, "Justin," and I are in our early 20s. We were high school sweethearts and we have a little girl together. Everything was going well until Justin went to a car lot to look for a car for his mother. He came home that day with a new one. My problem is he used the money he told me he was saving for my engagement ring as the down payment.

I am very hurt. I tried to seem happy and excited for him, but he knew I was upset and says I'm being "ridiculous." At this rate, with the new car and the insurance for it almost doubled, I don't see how he'll have anything put away for a ring in the near future.

I have told Justin I don't care about the size or the price of the ring, it's the thought behind it that counts. Justin still says he wants to get me an expensive one.

I'm beginning to think he's making excuses so he won't have to propose to me anytime soon. What do you think? -- ENGAGED-IN-WAITING IN OHIO

DEAR ENGAGED-IN-WAITING: I think you nailed it!

DEAR ABBY: Do you think every American child should get a four-year college degree? I keep meeting students who have a real talent and passion for other jobs -- military, cosmetology or skilled trades, such as Internet technology and carpentry -- but whose parents are furious at the suggestion they might not graduate from a four-year college.

It's a little-known fact that there is actually a shortage of skilled tradespeople these days. IT jobs pay well and are constantly in demand. As my grandmother used to say, "Everyone needs a plumber when the toilet's clogged." It distresses me to see so many parents disregard their kids' instincts about their skills and desired careers in favor of the "more schooling is always better" philosophy.

Graduating from college has been part of what we envision as the "American dream," but not every kid is going to be fulfilled after getting one of those degrees when the jobs that go with it don't materialize. If a child wants to go into the military or become a skilled tradesperson, parents should at least consider what they're suggesting. Because someone chooses a career path that isn't what a parent hoped for doesn't mean he or she can't be successful. -- ANN ARBOR READER

DEAR READER: I have had this discussion with many people over the years and I agree. While it is crucial that young people finish high school, not every child is intellectually inclined. Many have talents better-suited to the trades. A person with skill and drive can earn a good living as a plumber, electrician, tailor or in the food industry.

Some brilliant and successful people started but didn't finish college. Many of them are in the arts and technology fields. Economic realities being what they are today, parents should be flexible and sensitive to their children's aspirations on this subject.

DEAR ABBY: For 20 years, my secret (to some, but not to others) involvement with a married man has kept me on an emotional roller coaster. We were both married at the time it began, and it was always understood that we would not leave our partners. However, since then my marriage has broken down.

Conventional wisdom -- expressed by friends, family and your column repeatedly -- has it that I should end this hopeless affair, get out and meet other men. I have made numerous attempts, but have accepted that he's the only man I feel comfortable being intimate with.

I don't want him to leave his marriage, from which he draws much respectability and desperately needed security. However, his obvious delight in our afternoon trysts does suggest that his so-called picture-perfect marriage doesn't meet his emotional and sexual needs. And that's what irks me!

This couple presents a happy profile in our community. The urge to burst his hypocritical bubble is growing within me with every passing year. Would it be morally reprehensible for me to let his wife know that she has been made a fool of for the last 20 years? -- SEETHING IN CANADA

DEAR SEETHING: Yes. Resist the urge. What makes you think his wife doesn't know? Once more than two people know this kind of "secret," word has a way of circulating. I see nothing positive to be gained by trying to hurt the wife. If your lover has to make a choice between the two of you, the person who will get the boot will be you. You knew this from the beginning. And you may find that it is not the wife who has been a fool for 20 years, but you.