DEAR ABBY: My handsome, 21-year-old son, "Dylan," has a beautiful girlfriend and a 14-month-old child. They have been together for three years.

Dylan works out of town. He gets back late on Friday afternoons and leaves again on Sunday afternoon. The problem is, he goes to bed soon after he gets home and then goes out on Saturday, returning at about 2 a.m. or so Sunday morning. He spends very little time with his girlfriend and their child. Otherwise, he's good to them, provides a good home and most things they need. But he doesn't give them attention or love.

I'm afraid Dylan's girlfriend is getting fed up with this. She's a good "wife" and a wonderful mother, but if she leaves, I'm afraid I won't get to see my grandchild. Please tell me what to do. (Dylan's father isn't in the picture.) -- AFRAID OF THE FUTURE IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR AFRAID: Was Dylan's father ever in the picture? If he wasn't, it's possible that Dylan has no concept of how to be a good father or partner. The first thing you should do (if you haven't already) is talk to your son about this.

Regardless of how he reacts, continue to be a loving, honest and supportive friend to Dylan's girlfriend. Because your son's relationship with the mother of his child probably won't last, make sure she understands that you care about her and always want to be a part of her and your grandson's lives.

DEAR ABBY: I was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder five years ago. I take my medicine and have been doing fine. The only thing missing in my life is love.

I finally met a man, and we have been slowly getting to know each other over the past three months. He talked about wanting to become a couple, and so I decided I needed to tell him about my illness. He said he wants to keep seeing me, but we need to talk more before we decide on anything long-term.

All of a sudden, I feel depressed. It's not fair that this illness "chose" me. I have never done anything that could have caused this. Do you think I'm still capable of finding long-term love? Why do I feel more depressed now than I ever have before? -- ACHING IN ILLINOIS

DEAR ACHING: You are probably feeling more depressed than you ever have before because you have a lot of emotion riding on this relationship, which may be threatened because of the stigma and misunderstanding by many people on the subject of mental illness.

I do think you are capable of finding a long-term partner, and I respect you for telling him the truth. What he said was not a rejection. You have known each other for a relatively short time. He wants to get to know you better, and you should allow him the time to do that. This is how all meaningful relationships develop.

P.S. If you continue to cycle into depression, please alert your psychiatrist.

DEAR ABBY: As I was getting into a hot tub, a woman sitting in it said, "Are you prepared to pay child support?" When I asked what she meant, she replied, "Some women get pregnant from being in a hot tub with a man." Is that possible? -- JON IN CEDAR RAPIDS, IOWA

DEAR JON: It's an urban myth. What happened was the women became pregnant after meeting a man in a hot tub.

DEAR ABBY: Years ago I lost my beautiful wife. We had been married for more than 30 years. I bought a plot at the cemetery for both of us, and she's buried there now.

I have since remarried and have been blessed with another wonderful wife. There are no spaces left next to the existing plot, although I would like to be placed between both my wives when the time comes. Any recommendations? -- MR. IN-BETWEEN

DEAR MR. IN-BETWEEN: You have a couple of options. One would be to ask if your cemetery permits "double-depth" burials, in which one vault is placed on top of another. Or, if you wish, upon your demise you could choose cremation for yourself and have your ashes divided and placed with both wives.

I discussed your question with a wonderful lady, Lisa Carlson, executive director of the Funeral Ethics Organization. She's a mine of commonsense information on the subject of death and funerals -- a subject many people find difficult to discuss.

Lisa reminded me that years ago, funerals were handled at home and by the community, and children grew up understanding what would happen when a death occurred. However, as we turned death over to funeral directors, much of that common knowledge has been lost. The average adult plans only one funeral in a lifetime, and few schools teach us what our choices and rights are -- or how to save money on funerals.

Readers, the Funeral Ethics Organization publishes free, state-specific pamphlets on the subject of funeral consumer rights. To download one for your state, visit its website, funeralethics.org, or send a business-size SASE to Funeral Ethics Organization, 87 Upper Access Road, Hinesburg, VT 05461, for a print version.

DEAR ABBY: I recently married my boyfriend of five years. Our marriage is only a few months old, and we're not happy. My husband is sweet, but he is absolutely the world's worst communicator. He's an introvert and has a "whatever" attitude about everything. He tells me he can't put his feelings into words. So how can we fix any of our problems?

We also constantly fight about our sex life. I'd appreciate it at least weekly. He doesn't care if we do "it" or not. I have voiced my concern about our sex life, but it doesn't seem to help. I feel rejected and hurt, and I crave this attention from my husband. I'm an affectionate and attractive young woman -- so what gives? -- NEEDS ATTENTION IN DALLAS

DEAR NEEDS ATTENTION: Was your husband this way during the five years you were together before the wedding? If he was, you shouldn't have gone through with it because people don't magically change after a trip to the altar.

If he was passionate, attentive and verbal but now has withdrawn, ask him a simple question: "Do you still want to be married to me?" If he can't answer that one, it's time to ask yourself an important question: "Am I better off with him or not?" If the answer is no, accept the fact that it's time to end the marriage.

DEAR ABBY: I would like to tell "Possibly Paddled Pledge" (Jan. 13) that joining a sorority was one of the best parts of college for me. It taught me about interpersonal communication, the importance of philanthropy and academics, and networking. I learned skills I would not have gained had I not joined.

My sorority had paddles. We decorated them with our symbols and Greek letters, and they were displayed on the wall. We never used them to hit anyone. Our national organization, as well as our university would have been furious. Hazing is illegal and should not be tolerated.

I say, give the Greek life a try, but if someone ever lifts a finger toward you, report her to your panhellenic organization and the dean of students immediately. Sororities are supposed to lift you up, not beat you down. -- JENNIFER IN ST. LOUIS

DEAR JENNIFER: Readers unanimously agreed that paddling should not be tolerated, and stressed that being a legacy does not guarantee acceptance or that a pledge will have a good experience in a particular sorority. My readers comment:

DEAR ABBY: My daughter is currently in a sorority, but her experience has been very mixed. She was not automatically welcomed by my sorority. She found the process to be difficult and judgmental. However, she did find a wonderful group of women in a different sorority.

As a sophomore this year, she is on the other side of recruitment (rush) and again felt hurt by how rude some of the new girls were. "PPP's" letter spotlighted the snobbish, elitist attitude that turns many eligible young women away from sororities. To say a group is the best-of-the-best and exclusive is offensive. I hope more girls will look beyond the glitz and glamour and give a second hard look to all of the groups. -- JANE IN AKRON, OHIO

DEAR ABBY: My first month in college was wonderful. Then came sorority rush. What followed was hell. I got a paddle with the Greek letters, though it was only a "memento." Far worse was the social fragmentation of the women there. We immediately began to segregate into our little pledge classes, wore pins that identified our group and were typecast from the very beginning.

After wrestling with this psychological social dilemma -- even becoming an active member, which would preclude me from ever joining another sorority -- I finally deactivated, switched to a much larger school with less emphasis on the Greek system and happily sailed through the rest of my college life with honors. -- A HAPPY INDEPENDENT

DEAR ABBY: As a member of a sorority, I have never heard of a sorority that used paddles to hit members. What bothers me is the apparent acceptance by "PPP's" family members of this practice.

As a prosecutor for nearly 30 years, I do not condone in any way the use of a paddle, either in fraternities or sororities.

A sorority is more than academics and whispers about hazing. "PPP" should visit each chapter on the campus, attend rush and make her own decision. Only she can decide which sorority is right for her. If she pledges as a legacy, she'll be in a unique position to actively stop this practice if, in fact, it is occurring. If she's kicked out for not letting them paddle her, then she can shout it from the rooftops and maybe something will finally happen.

"PPP," stand up for what you believe. Choose a sorority you like, with women you would be proud to call your sisters, and you will have the time of your life and lifelong friends who will see you through your old age. I know. I didn't pledge my mom's chapter, but a different one. -- BEEN THERE IN MONTANA