DEAR ABBY: My two children were in a terrible car accident and were both airlifted to a children's hospital. My son was released two weeks later, but my daughter is still there, suffering from traumatic brain injury.

Abby, I was driving the car. Why can't my daughter have the life I took away from her? Why is she being punished and not me? -- ANGUISHED MOTHER

DEAR ANGUISHED: You're asking a question that philosophers have pondered for centuries -- why bad things happen to good people. In many cases the answer is simply "fate."

While you feel your daughter is being punished instead of you, I say the guilt you're carrying is punishment and it is not healthy for you or your child. Please don't waste time flogging yourself, because your daughter needs you. Counseling may help you to come to terms with what happened. I hope you'll consider it, as you will need every ounce of strength you can muster to help her in the months ahead.

DEAR ABBY: I'm 16 and well below the average height for females. It bothers me a lot. I'm treated like a 5-year-old. I get picked up all the time, and it's awkward talking to people because they look straight down at me -- and they never let me forget it.

I try to act cool about it, but honestly, I'm losing sleep over it. I'm really self-conscious, and when I get upset people just laugh at me and say I'm "cute." What should I do? -- LOOKED DOWN UPON IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR LOOKED DOWN UPON: No one has the right to pick you up or touch you in a familiar way without your permission. If this is happening at school, tell the principal about it because it could be classified as a form of bullying. It will then become the school administrator's job to make clear to your classmates that their behavior is not appropriate. If it's happening outside of school, your parents should be told so they can help you put an end to it.

P.S. If you work to develop your mind, you can accomplish what many short people have done -- compensate by becoming a mental giant. Do that, and you'll become a role model that people of every size will look up to.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend and I are in a serious relationship. Not long ago we got on the topic of marriage and what we are looking for. He comes from a religious family and I do not. His mother says if we don't get married in a church with a religious ceremony, she won't consider me her daughter-in-law and we won't be a married couple.

I want a civil ceremony, something outside and casual. Thankfully, my boyfriend agrees with me. We're just not sure how to deal with his mom and her point of view. What should we do? -- LOOKING TO THE FUTURE IN NEW YORK

DEAR LOOKING TO THE FUTURE: What you should do depends upon to what degree you want to placate his mother. Having the casual ceremony you want in the setting of your choosing, and afterward having your union blessed in a clergyperson's study, might be a workable compromise.

DEAR ABBY: What is a polite way to say: "My husband is not a bum; he's a hardworking, stay-at-home dad until he can find a job that offers not only benefits, but also enough extra money to afford child care, and it's none of your business"? -- I BRING IN THE DOUGH, HE BAKES

DEAR BAKER'S WIFE: Don't get angry. Tell the person, "My husband is a very hard worker. His job took a vacation."

DEAR ABBY: My ex-husband likes to call to ask me for advice. Our most recent conversation was in regard to his girlfriend and her sexual past, which he knew about before they started dating. He now disapproves of her history and he began calling her unpleasant names. He tells me he deserves better but intends to stay with her until he gets bored.

Hearing this sort of talk gives me a stomachache and heartburn. I feel terrible for the woman. I want to be a friend to my ex, but I'm not sure I can handle the stress it causes. He has had a hard life, and I didn't make it any easier by divorcing him.

Is the only solution not to take his calls, like my friends tell me? I'm not sure I can do that without major guilt. -- WISCONSIN READER

DEAR READER: I'll offer another option: The next time your ex starts asking you for relationship advice, tell him you don't like hearing the way he talks about his girlfriend. Explain that it makes you so uncomfortable that you prefer to avoid the topic of his love life. If he respects your wishes, continue taking his calls. If not, because you find them upsetting, refuse them.

And please, stop feeling guilty about the divorce. From your description of your former husband, he is a user, and you're lucky to be rid of him.

DEAR ABBY: I attend a church with about 350 worshippers. The church provides a supervised nursery for infants to 2 years of age. Most parents with babies use it. However, one couple has a 2-year-old child and a 2-month-old baby. These parents do not take advantage of the nursery, but keep the kids in the sanctuary.

Last Sunday the baby, who was in the father's arms, cried during most of the service. The parents may be able to tune it out, but many of us were very distracted by the wailing.

The father is a schoolteacher. I couldn't help but wonder how this teacher would handle a student who caused such a disruption in his classroom. I don't think he would tolerate an hour of loud crying from anyone. Why don't these people understand their behavior prevents others from worshipping as they would like? -- SILENCE, PLEASE

DEAR SILENCE, PLEASE: That's a good question, and one I recommend you pose to the person who was conducting the service. Out of consideration for the congregation, he or she should "remind" the parents that the nursery is available, and stress that in the future it be used to prevent the problem from recurring because the disruption caused "so many complaints."

DEAR ABBY: I was recently a bridesmaid at a friend's wedding. The bride gave all of us bridesmaids gifts after the reception. The bags were fancy and contained expensive gourmet chocolate candy. When I went to open mine, I noticed the box had already been unwrapped and half of it had been eaten. I didn't say anything to the others or the bride because I didn't want to hurt her feelings or seem ungrateful. What should I do? -- BRIDESMAID IN TENNESSEE

DEAR BRIDESMAID: While it's unfortunate, I see no reason to bring it up now. Expensive or not, it's only a box of chocolates, and it appears someone may have bitten off more than they should chew.

DEAR ABBY: My youngest daughter, "Lizzy," the sweetest and most conscientious of my children, has been cut off yet again by her mother, "Ruth." Ruth pressured Lizzy to graduate from high school a year early because she couldn't date with a child still at home. (Her words.) After graduation, Lizzy was shipped off to another state for college, then abandoned to find her own funding for continued education.

Lizzy feels unwanted by her mother and desperately wants to know why. The truth is, Ruth didn't want that pregnancy in the first place and has held it against Lizzy. The deeper truth is I wanted another child and deliberately got Ruth pregnant. I never told anyone, even after Ruth divorced me several years later. As far as I know, she has always accepted it as accidental.

What I did was wrong, yet I can't imagine a world without my daughter in it. Lizzy is the only one of my children who has become close to me since the divorce. The others all believe their mother's lies about me -- that I cheated on her, which is the opposite of what really happened.

Should I share the truth about her birth with my daughter? I'm not sure because I have always believed it is a major mistake to admit to a child of any age that their pregnancy was a surprise, let alone that it was unwanted. Two of my siblings weren't planned, and one of them has become a bitter and distant adult. I want to help my daughter understand and accept her mother's insane actions and get on with her own life. What should I do? -- GUILT-RIDDEN DAD

DEAR GUILT-RIDDEN: Lizzy already has a pretty good idea that she wasn't wanted, and I wouldn't be surprised if her mother hasn't told her she was a "surprise" baby. Do not try to expiate your feelings of guilt by telling your daughter what you have told me. That is a discussion you should have with your confessor, not your child.

It may take a therapist to help Lizzy forgive her mother and get on with her life. What you should do is pay for at least half of her therapy and contribute toward her education.

DEAR ABBY: My son was recently diagnosed with bone cancer and is currently receiving treatment. We heard about a fundraiser for pediatric cancer being held in our community. We joined the event and have received many donations from family and friends.

As much as I want to hand-write thank-you cards, between his treatments, my work schedule and my other kids I can't find the time. Is an email thank you OK? The donations have all been made online. -- WANTS TO DO THE RIGHT THING

DEAR WANTS TO DO THE RIGHT THING: I know you are under a lot of pressure right now. However, please refrain from expressing your gratitude by email. Send short, handwritten, personal notes -- a few at a time -- to those who gave money, as your schedule permits. It is the proper thing to do, and they will be appreciated.

DEAR ABBY: For decades I have been told I look like my mother. The problem is, my mother is ugly! I no longer respond to the comment, preferring to remain silent and just stare at the person instead.

Abby, please remind people that unless the comparison is to an attractive model, opinions should be kept to oneself. -- BEAUTIFUL IN MY OWN WAY, RICHMOND, KY.

DEAR BEAUTIFUL IN YOUR OWN WAY: I'll remind them, but it's possible that you're overly sensitive. The person could be referring to a family resemblance, your coloring or a mannerism. A diplomatic response would be, "Thank you. Isn't she a dear?"