DEAR ABBY: My sister "Ruth" and I spent most holidays dining out together after our families grew up and left home. Ruth died last year and her daughter "Lara" began inviting me for holidays "so I wouldn't be alone." I have tried to decline, but she persists. She insists that I should be with her instead of with friends, although her plans are always tentative and often change at the last minute.

Last Christmas she invited me to a community holiday dinner at 2 p.m. with her friends. At the last minute she called to say we'd be dining at her house in the evening instead, which meant I spent the entire day alone doing nothing. The dinner was grim because they were arguing.

At Easter, Lara called saying plans were "up in the air." At noon on Easter day, she called to say her husband's sister was visiting and they planned to hike in the state park and have a picnic -- something that I physically cannot do. She said they planned to have dinner for me "sometime soon." So, once again, I spent the holiday alone.

Should I call Lara and tell her exactly how I feel, or just write a script for the next time she calls? -- HAD IT IN THE SOUTHWEST

DEAR HAD IT: If you'd prefer to spend the holidays with friends instead of being reminded of sad memories and feeling obligated, you should decline Lara's future invitations. If your niece pressures you, explain that you have already made plans with friends.

Although her heart may be in the right place, from your description of your niece's social skills, they leave much to be desired. Do not allow her to make you feel guilty and change your mind. Your feelings are valid.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 45-year-old single male with a job I enjoy. Last June, a cousin who is close to my age married for the second time. He married a girl 20 years younger whom he had known less than six months.

Although I was unable to attend the wedding, I sent them a nice card with a generous cash gift. I never received a thank-you note for it and although I was offended, I overlooked their rudeness.

Six weeks later, my cousin's new bride called my place of employment and left an "emergency" message to phone her. (She left a second one with a neighbor of mine.) Very worried and not knowing what to expect, I called her immediately.

The "emergency" turned out to be a request for a loan of $500. I was angry but tried not to show it. After thinking about it, I agreed to the loan, although my cousin's wife had hinted that I should give them a larger amount. We agreed on a repayment plan.

I had misgivings about helping them, but somehow my aunt -- my cousin's mother -- became involved. She kept insisting I lend them the money. (They were living with her at the time.)

It has been more than eight months and they have made no effort to pay me back. To make matters worse, they avoid me. My aunt acts as though it's all right for them to treat me this way. I am angry, hurt and feel my trust has been betrayed. What do you think I should do now? -- USED IN MISSOURI

DEAR USED: I think you should write off the loan and thank your lucky stars that you weren't conned into giving this deadbeat couple more money. If you are asked for more -- which isn't out of the realm of possibility -- you can now say, "No, because you didn't repay the first loan I gave you." Think about it. You may have gotten off cheap.

DEAR ABBY: From time to time I have read letters in your column about Peeping Toms. You might find our experience interesting.

Many years ago, soon after my husband, Klaus, and I arrived as newlyweds from Germany, we rented a small bungalow in L.A. There were seven of them in two rows behind our landlord's large home in the front.

Between our little house and our next-door neighbor's was a brick patio that extended from our bedroom window to her back door. Not long after we moved in, the woman began looking into our bedroom window on weekend mornings, pressing her nose against the glass. Because we were guests in this country, we didn't want to say anything, but we knew we needed to stop her.

My husband came up with the perfect solution. He placed a large mirror in the window frame. Sure enough, the weekend came and she peered into our window. Seeing her face reflected back, she dashed into her house and never looked again. -- LILO IN COSTA MESA

DEAR LILO: I like your husband's style. Your neighbor may not have gotten the thrill she was seeking, but she sure enough got the message.

DEAR ABBY: There is a segment of the population that I have not seen you address. It's the many women whose dreams of marriage and children never came true.

Society gives so much attention to women who are pregnant and have children. It is very difficult for us to hear people brag on and on about their children and pass around their pictures.

People need to develop sensitivity for those like me, who prayed 25 years for marriage and children, but who didn't get this "gift from God." -- ALONE IN THE NORTHWEST

DEAR ALONE: Parents bragging about their children and showing off pictures are natural reactions to having offspring. It is not meant to punish the childless.

There are thousands of children who desperately need the attention and affection you long to bestow, so please consider becoming an adoptive or foster parent, or volunteer with an organization such as Big Brothers/Big Sisters of America. The website is www.bbbs.org. Join the ranks and you, too, can experience the joys of rearing children and bragging as you show off your pictures.

DEAR ABBY: I am a freshman in college. I would like to transfer to a college that two of my best friends from high school attend, and also change my planned major. We have been friends since seventh grade, and we would like to rent a house over the summer and remain in it during the next school year.

My problem is my father. Daddy insists that I shouldn't live with my high school friends. He says I should concentrate on making new friends and see my old ones less often. He is making it sound like if I don't do what he wants, that I'll mess up my entire future.

Am I wrong here? Would living with my friends be that horrible? -- MIXED UP IN NEW YORK

DEAR MIXED UP: Your father may be concerned that you and your friends will be distracted and not apply yourselves fully to your studies if you share a house together. Although many first-year students change their planned majors, changing schools as well as your major and moving in with your friends may appear to your father as a retreat from adult responsibilities. The question you must answer is: Does he have cause to be concerned about your motives or your study habits?

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 42-year-old woman who has been living with my boyfriend, "Matt." He has asked me to marry him, and I said yes. The problem is, Matt is still married.

Matt and his wife have been separated for eight years. I keep telling him to get in touch with her and see if she filed for divorce, but he keeps putting it off.

I really do love this man, Abby. Matt is good to me and to my children and grandchildren, but sometimes I don't know what to think or do. I want us to buy a house, but I'm scared that if we do, she'll try to take it from us. He says she wouldn't. Please give me some advice. -- LADY IN WAITING IN LOUISIANA

DEAR LADY IN WAITING: I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but a marriage proposal from a man who is still married means nothing. I urge you to please consult a lawyer before putting money into any joint financial ventures with this man. He may be "good" to you, your children and grandchildren, but he hasn't been completely forthright.

Your concerns are justified. Listen to your woman's intuition. It's sending you an important message.

DEAR ABBY: Two years ago, I adopted a dog from my local Humane Society. "Brandy's" approximate age at the time of adoption was 16 years. I had two wonderful years with Brandy before he died.

What I would like to share with your readers is, when you consider adopting a pet, please don't rule out an animal based strictly on age. Older animals can make excellent additions to a family. They deserve our love and kindness, too. -- MISSING BRANDY IN JUNEAU, ALASKA

DEAR MISSING: I'm sorry that you and Brandy were not able to have more years together, but bless you for sharing your heart and home with a pet that many might have overlooked.

Older animals can provide a great deal of love and joy. They also are usually housebroken -- something to consider for anyone for whom puppyhood and adolescence might prove too destructive.

The local shelter is an excellent place to find a mature companion.

DEAR ABBY: The letters that have appeared in your column about safe driving prompt this one. I hope you will consider my experience worth sharing.

I have poor depth perception. I make adjustments for this problem and check the distance between me and the car in front of me by looking at the distance on the road and not at the car.

I began to notice that the cars coming at me were "fuzzy" and that I had to close one eye to have a clear image of them. Then I realized I was doing the same thing while watching television. I mentioned it to my optometrist, and she checked my eyes and found that I had double vision. The adjustment to my prescription was so slight that you would not notice it, but I can now see clearly with my new glasses. -- CLEARLY FOCUSED IN MINNESOTA

DEAR CLEARLY FOCUSED: Your letter was an eye-opener. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to remind readers to have their vision checked every year -- and to report any changes in vision to the doctor immediately.