DEAR ABBY: When I was a child, my mother -- a bipolar schizophrenic -- abused me. At 12, I decided I had had enough of her mental and physical abuse. A family friend helped me to leave and be placed with my father. I am now 35 and haven't seen my mother since then.

A few years ago I wrote her a letter. In it I included pictures of my children, saying I would like her to know her grandchildren. She ripped the photos into pieces and sent them back with a note telling me to leave her alone and that I had "made my choice in life."

Last month, I received a letter from her saying she regretted destroying the pictures and would now like me to send more and she could meet us all. She also asked me for $6,000. She claims I "know" she never abused me and that she isn't mentally ill.

It has taken a long time for me to overcome the things she did to me. Even now, when I drive through the old neighborhoods where we lived -- a different one for every grade I went to school -- I break down in tears from the memories of her abuse.

Should I write my mother back or just let it go? -- ON AN EMOTIONAL ROLLER COASTER IN ILLINOIS

DEAR ON AN EMOTIONAL ROLLER COASTER: Let it go. Until your mother is well enough to admit what she did to you -- and she isn't -- do not expose your children to her. And as to the $6,000, if you can afford to spend that kind of money, spend it on therapy to overcome the sadness that still lingers from your abusive childhood. If you give it to your mother, she will only ask you for more and more.

DEAR ABBY: My wife, "Diane," and her youngest sister, "Jenny," have grown closer in recent years. Jenny and her husband have been married as long as Diane and I have. Our children are close in age, and none of us is wealthy.

We live in different states. In her attempt to stay connected to Diane, Jenny sends gifts on every conceivable occasion and non-occasion. She sends boxes of cheap items she picks up at her local dollar store -- household knickknacks, toys, kitchen gadgets, plastic trinkets and costume jewelry. It's always things we neither need nor use, and the postage probably costs more than the items in those boxes.

Abby, I don't like it. Our home is already jammed with too much stuff. I have told my wife I want her sister to stop sending all that junk. Of course, she doesn't want to hurt her sister's feelings, so she says nothing. I have threatened to tell Jenny myself, but I know that would be a mistake. I don't interact with her and her husband anyway, and we don't communicate well. What can I do? -- STUFFED WITH STUFF IN OREGON

DEAR STUFFED: You can't "do" anything because this is something your wife is going to have to deal with. Diane should tell Jenny that the two of you have reached a point in life where you are no longer able to accept things because you have nowhere to put them, and are now in the process of clearing out items you no longer use. She should tell her sister that when she wants to reach out, please do so on the Internet or pick up the phone.

However, if Sissy refuses to take the hint, you and your wife should look for someplace to donate the unwanted items. A thrift shop, church sale, women's shelter or children's hospital would be ideal -- if Diane agrees, that is.

DEAR ABBY: What is considered good manners when you enter the home of a 20-something Northerner? I'm a graduate student who recently moved from the South to the East Coast. When I visit the homes of my Northern friends, I feel they are being rude for not inviting me to come in and sit down.

When visitors come to my place, I ask if I can take their coats, ask them to please sit and make themselves comfortable and offer something to drink. It feels strange to enter someone's living space and not hear these pleasantries. It also makes me feel as if I'm imposing.

If others arrive around the same time, I try to follow their cues, but I still find it uncomfortable to just plop down and make myself at home. Should I just get over it? -- FISH OUT OF WATER

DEAR FISH OUT OF WATER: If you have been invited to someone's home, then you are welcome. That your visit doesn't begin with the customary rituals you're used to does not mean that your host is rude. Yes, you should "get over it." Just go with the flow -- in time you will adjust.

DEAR ABBY: I don't have a car. I can't afford one at this time. For the last two years a friend has been doing me a favor by taking me grocery shopping every week. I can (and do) take the bus to the local grocery store, but it makes it easier to buy things in bulk with a car. We have dinner, go to an occasional movie and generally have a good time hanging out. I buy her dinner sometimes as a thank-you for her great help.

Recently, I got to meet a group of her friends. She introduced me to every single person by going over the whole history of my not having a car, and how she has taken me grocery shopping every week. All her friends began praising her for her kindness. I was upset and embarrassed that rather than introduce me as a friend she instead portrayed me as an object of her charity.

I always thought she enjoyed our get-togethers. She used to rebuff any attempts on my part to make our shopping trips less frequent. Do I suck it up for the sake of our friendship, or do I discontinue or curtail our meetings? -- EMBARRASSED IN MICHIGAN

DEAR EMBARRASSED: What your "benefactor" did was extremely insensitive. True acts of charity are done anonymously. For now, my advice is to suck it up not for the sake of the friendship, but to do so for the sake of the transportation unless you can find an alternative.

DEAR ABBY: When I was 15, my mother put away a large sum of money for me as a college fund. A few years later, she quit her job and began drinking and smoking heavily.

I have now graduated from high school and have discovered that when she quit her job she used my college fund to pay for her alcohol and cigarettes.

Yes, it was her money. But it was intended for my education. Am I wrong to be upset? -- DISAPPOINTED SON IN FORT GRATIOT, MICH.

DEAR DISAPPOINTED SON: Of course you're not wrong to be upset. You wouldn't be human if you weren't. However, now that you know the money you were promised won't be there, you need to start researching ways to finance completing your education. A place to begin would be your nearest library -- or online. Also, many schools allow students to work part-time on campus to help with the cost of classes, so look into that, too.

DEAR ABBY: My co-workers and I recently went out to eat and I was put in an awkward situation. One of them announced that I had left a big tip when I paid my bill. Abby, I always leave a generous tip. I was raised well below the poverty line, and my mother's tips literally determined how much we would be able to eat that day.

The co-worker who said it became upset with me and began lecturing me about how "rude" it is to leave a large tip, especially when you're with other people. She even said it "degrades" the server.

My mom may have raised me differently than most people, but I was taught that it's OK to leave a big tip as long as you don't announce it to everyone. Was what I did considered rude? -- GENEROUS IN CONNECTICUT

DEAR GENEROUS: No. The person who was rude was your co-worker, for making a spectacle. She probably did it because your tip made hers appear to be stingy. Diners leave tips based upon the quality of the service they receive. If you felt your server merited it, you were right to leave a large tip.

P.S. I have never heard of a server feeling "degraded" because of a large tip. Grateful, yes. Degraded, never!

DEAR ABBY: I am dating a man, "Cameron," I am crazy about. We plan to be married next year once I finish college. There is just one issue that's stressing me. Cam's apartment is gross and messy. There are dishes from various dinners scattered all over the place. I find it disgusting, and I'm worried he will be like this after we're married.

I have tried to talk to him about it, but he gets angry and says that it's his place. He says he'll be neater when we're married. I'm not sure I believe that.

This seems a silly thing to cause discord in a relationship, which is otherwise going well, but I am concerned. Is there anything I can do? -- GROSSED OUT IN BLOOMINGTON, IND.

DEAR GROSSED OUT: Yes, there is. You can face the fact that once you marry Cameron he is still going to be the same person he is now -- sloppy, messy and defensive when you point out something that needs improvement. People don't magically change after they say "I do." If you love him enough to accept him just the way he is, and be the primary housekeeper after you're married, you may have a happy union. If not, put your foot down now.

DEAR ABBY: Many years ago I shoplifted a $30 item from a department store. Now I'd like to clear my conscience and make amends, but how?

I want to remain anonymous, so I can't send a check. Sending cash by mail seems unwise, and even with Google I have been unable to find a corporate address for an appropriate division. Can you help? -- ANONYMOUS IN THE USA

DEAR ANONYMOUS: Because you have made an honest effort and haven't been able to come up with an address to send the money, try to find out if the department store sponsors an activity for charity and donate to that. Or, alternatively, give the money to a charity of your choice, which may salve your conscience and do a good deed at the same time.