DEAR ABBY: I'm married to the love of my life. My wife is a beautiful woman, 50 years old, in great shape and she looks 35. My problem is whenever we go out, if I ask her to wear something sexy for me, she always says, "I'm too old to dress like that" and refuses. However, when she dresses for work, she spends hours on her appearance and dresses very sexy.

I have told her it bothers me, but she says I'm being silly and she just wants to look good for her management job. She's constantly buying new outfits for work. This morning she left wearing a sexy short miniskirt and boots.

She is an independent woman who does what she wants. I don't spend my time trying to control her by any means. I trust her and seriously doubt there's another man. But I feel this is a matter of her not respecting my feelings as her husband. Am I wrong? Is there something else going on here? I need your help. -- LIKES HER SEXY IN CONNECTICUT

DEAR LIKES HER SEXY: There's something sad about the fact that your wife doesn't want to put the same amount of effort into looking as good when she goes out with you as she does when she leaves for work. Rather than turning this into a power struggle, the next time you want to take her out looking sexy, ask her to just "throw on something she would wear to the office" and see if you have better luck.

DEAR ABBY: I am 18 and will be graduating in May of next year. Because I have always done well in school, my family expects me to go right off to a big-league college.

Abby, I want to go to college, but not right away. (I am also not too fond of staying in dorms.) I want to be a zoologist, and plan on going to school for it, but I feel that my family is rushing me into college because they expect it of me. When I tell them my other interest is hairstyling, and I may want to take a year off to do that to save up money, they put me down and compare me to my successful college cousins.

I want my family to be proud of me because I have worked hard in school. I only wish they would be just as proud of me if I maintained a nice job for a few years and then went to college. (I have been told if I choose that path, I will never go to college and I'll never make good money.)

They also blame my not wanting to go to college right away on my boyfriend of two years. I assure you, that is not the reason. I want to attend an in-state college, and I would still be able to see him. Do you have any advice? -- SCHOOLED-OUT IN COLORADO

DEAR SCHOOLED-OUT: The longer you delay college, the more distractions there will be and the harder it will be for you to go back. Yes, people do it. But juggling a job and going to school is more difficult than going to school full-time, and it takes longer to get the degree. I urge you to listen to your parents. They have your best interests at heart.

DEAR ABBY: You once printed a letter from a man who was dying. He wanted his surviving widow to pursue happiness after his death with some man who would be kind to her. The letter was mainly addressed to those who might stand in judgment if she began dating soon after he was gone.

Abby, is there a rule of thumb about how long the widow or widower should wait after the death of the spouse to begin pursuing another relationship? -- LONELY IN GADSDEN, ALA.

DEAR LONELY: There was a time when it was considered scandalous for a widow or widower to date before a year of mourning had passed. However, today the grieving spouse may begin to date whenever he or she feels ready to do so.

The letter you remember was signed "'Mac' in Oregon," and it bears repeating. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Thank you for supporting the widow who started dating three months after her husband died. You were right when you told her, "The time to show respect for one's spouse is while that spouse is living."

Here is my story, and there must be a few thousand husbands (and wives) who feel the same as I do.

My wife and I have had many good years together. We raised kids, lived through joyous good times and horrendous bad times.

I am in my 18th month of chemo treatment for various cancers. I may live three months or five years. It doesn't matter how short or how long my life will be, but it's reasonable to assume that I will die before my wife does.

I have had a more rewarding and fruitful life than I probably deserve, for which I am grateful. But the day I die, my last thoughts will be regret that I shall leave her alone. So sad, to me, to know that after so many months of total concentration on my welfare -- days of putting up with my misery and never letting me see her own misery -- her reward will be to be left alone.

Abby, she is not the kind of person who should be left alone.

So I tell her now, and I want all my kids and friends to listen: "As soon as you possibly can, after throwing my ashes off the boat into the Pacific, wrap the memories of our life together around you -- and begin a new life. If three days, or three months, after I'm gone, you find a man who will love and cherish you for a few years as I have for so many, go for it! You've earned it." -- "MAC" IN OREGON

DEAR MAC: Your sincerity rings true, leaving me uncharacteristically speechless. Thanks for a two-hankie letter.

DEAR ABBY: My granddaughter is due to have a baby in a short while. She wants to have a baby shower and would like to invite her girlfriends with their husbands or boyfriends.

I always thought that baby showers were for females only. What is your opinion? -- WONDERING GRANDMOTHER

DEAR WONDERING: Times have changed. Baby showers now often include men and take place on a weekend afternoon, preferably not on the same day as a major sports event.

One thing that hasn't changed, however: A baby shower is usually hosted by friends of the parents-to-be, rather than family.

DEAR ABBY: Seven years ago, while on a business trip to Europe, I went to a bar, got drunk and went back to my hotel with one of the "hostesses." It was a one-night stand, but my wife found out.

I quit drinking with the help of AA and have never had another affair. However, I am a sociable, friendly person, and I like to share laughs and light-hearted conversation with members of both sexes.

Although my wife claims to have forgiven me, she constantly brings up my "fling" and makes it clear that she doesn't trust me to this day, despite my repeated apologies, my desire to make amends and my determination never to do it again. She has made my life a living hell. She has an extremely caustic tongue that she uses at every opportunity to embarrass and humiliate me.

I no longer love her, but her health isn't the best and she hasn't worked for several years. What can I do, Abby? I feel so alone and stuck. -- DESPERATE IN THE U.S.A.

DEAR DESPERATE: Because you are both miserable, do what other couples with troubled marriages do -- get marriage counseling to see if you and your wife can reach an understanding you both can live with. If that doesn't work, however, and she continues to berate and humiliate you, consult a lawyer and go on with your life.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are going to Italy next year and taking our two sons, ages 8 and 12, with us. We have planned and saved for this trip for five years.

When my sister-in-law heard about it, she invited herself along, with her husband and two children who are my sons' ages. Although I love all of them, I don't want to spend my vacation of a lifetime with her. She often pawns her children off on others while she goes and does her own thing. She's a pro at it and has done it to me many times.

How do I approach this without anyone's feelings being hurt? There's no way I can go on this trip with her. I'd rather not go. Help! -- BOUND FOR ITALY

DEAR BOUND: You may be "bound," but were you also gagged when your sister-in-law invited herself and her family along? That's when you should have had the gumption to say no.

The longer you put off telling her, the harder it will be, so tell her NOW. If you don't have the courage to do it alone, you and your husband should do it together. You have every right to go on your dream trip the way you and your husband planned it. His sister can schedule her family's visit to Italy at another time.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have clearly stated more than once that we didn't plan to have children. Recently, however, we realized that we had simply not been ready.

We have decided to try for a baby in the near future. If we are lucky enough to conceive, how will we respond to the inevitable barrage of questions about whether or not the baby was planned? -- TAKING IT BACK IN NEW YORK

DEAR TAKING IT BACK: Just say you changed your mind and the baby not only isn't an accident but is a welcome blessing.