DEAR ABBY: I have an offensive habit of looking people "up and down" when I first meet them, and when I think no one is aware of it. I have tried breaking myself of the habit, but I often don't realize I'm doing it until I catch myself. I know other people notice.

I'm a shy, self-conscious person, but at my age I should be comfortable enough with myself to not allow my insecurities to be so obvious. How can I stop this bad habit? -- MS. LOOKIE-LOO IN GEORGIA

DEAR MS. LOOKIE-LOO: You may be looking people up and down because your social insecurity makes it difficult for you to look them in the eye -- which is what you should be doing. As with any habit, breaking it will take practice. When you meet someone, make a conscious effort to look no further down than the person's shoulders. If you can't continue eye contact, shift your glance between the person's mouth and forehead.

DEAR ABBY: My co-workers and I are having a debate and need you to settle it for us. "Anthony" was born in Mexico and spoke Spanish for the first four years of his life. He was then adopted and has lived in the United States ever since. He does not remember any Spanish at all.

Anthony says that Spanish is his first language (since it was the first one he learned) and that English is his second. My other co-workers, however, say that Spanish cannot be his first language if he doesn't know any. Who is correct? -- SPEAKING UP IN INDIANAPOLIS

DEAR SPEAKING UP: If Spanish was the language your co-worker learned in his early childhood, then Spanish was his first language. However, because he has spoken (and thought) only in English since the age of 4, English is his dominant language. Readers, do you agree?

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I went out to dinner recently at an upscale restaurant in a hotel in a nearby city. During the dinner I asked my wife not to scrape bread crumbs from the tablecloth onto the floor, and to please not use her fingernail to pry something from between her teeth.

She became upset with me for saying it. What she was doing embarrassed me; it didn't look appropriate. She says I should have waited to tell her. We have agreed to abide by your words. -- EMBARRASSED HUSBAND IN OREGON

DEAR EMBARRASSED: As long as you couldn't be overheard, there was nothing wrong with you saying it. In an upscale restaurant, the server is supposed to remove crumbs from the table -- not the diner. And if there was food between your wife's teeth, she should have excused herself from the table to remove it. (Ick!)

DEAR ABBY: I am a 14-year-old girl and have a brother two years older than me. We look a lot alike. I often get, "You look like the girl version of your brother," etc. This doesn't bother me, but I really don't know a polite response to the comment. Any ideas? -- RESEMBLES MY BROTHER

DEAR RESEMBLES: Just smile and say, "No, he looks like the boy version of me."

DEAR ABBY: I have a son with two good friends. They are at my house often and are really good boys. I enjoy them, and I'm glad my son is friendly with them.

The problem is their mothers. Both these women are receptive to playdate invites, but when I see them in social situations, they say very little to me and almost act as if they don't know me. Even when they pick up their kids, talking to them is awkward, and they give the impression they're always in a hurry.

I think if your kids spend five hours at my house and I have fed them, I deserve a little face time at the very least. I find their behavior rude and would love to say something. I'm just not sure how. What do you suggest? -- PLAYDATE ETIQUETTE

DEAR PLAYDATE ETIQUETTE: I think you are expecting too much of these women. Because your son is friendly with theirs does not guarantee that the friendship must extend to the parents. If the only thing you have in common with them is the fact that their boys spend time with your son, then it may not be so much a matter of what you "deserve" but what they are comfortable with. If you want to be compensated for the snacks, then say so, but don't expect them to be paid for with friendship ... 'cause it ain't gonna happen.

DEAR ABBY: I have been widowed for four years and have had the good fortune to meet someone special. I'll call him Jerry. My mother-in-law, whom I am very close to, is still grieving the loss of her son. She says it is hard for her to see Jerry and me together.

Does this mean I can't invite him to any family events? We are at the point in our relationship where I think it would be unkind to make him feel like he is not welcome. Jerry has been patient, loving and considerate of me and my kids. What do you think I should do? -- DOESN'T WANT TO HURT HER

DEAR DOESN'T: Your mother-in-law will always grieve the loss of her son. The question is, is she willing to risk becoming distanced from you and the grandchildren? Talk to her about your relationship with Jerry and explain that you still would like to be a part of her life, but that it will require her to accept the new man in yours.

DEAR ABBY: My daughter, "Joanne," is 42 and lives at home with me. She's attractive, friendly, well-liked and has a good job. She pays all her own bills.

The problem is, she seems stuck in her life. She hasn't dated in years and appears content to just go to work and come home.

Whenever I try to encourage her to get out more, she says, "It is what it is." She's not shy. She's outgoing, so I don't understand. I'd love for her to be independent and have her own apartment. Sometimes she'll turn it around and ask, "Do you want me to leave?"

Joanne doesn't seem to understand that I'm concerned only for her future. She has no siblings, and I worry that when I'm gone she'll be alone. I want her to get out more, meet someone and eventually fall in love. How do I get through to her without nagging? -- ONLY WANTS THE BEST FOR HER

DEAR ONLY WANTS THE BEST: Your daughter has many positive attributes. Has it occurred to you that she may be perfectly happy with her life as it is and not looking for the kind of life you would like her to have? Worrying about her won't do either of you any good. Let the future work itself out. There's an old proverb with much truth in it: "Man plans; God laughs."

DEAR ABBY: I am planning a trip to Thailand next year and would like to find a traveling partner. I don't care whether the person is male or female. My plan is to visit the country and rent a cabin for a month. My interest is solely to share expenses and have a platonic relationship with my travelmate because going alone is very expensive. Thanks for whatever input you can give me. -- TRAVELER FROM KANSAS CITY

DEAR TRAVELER: You're welcome. My "input" is to urge you to rethink this. I do not recommend that you go to a foreign country and rent a cabin in the middle of nowhere with someone you don't know because it could be dangerous. What if there is a medical emergency or your companion has misrepresented him- or herself?

Traveling, even with someone you do know, can present problems unless you have a high degree of compatibility and similar habits. Low-budget tours are available, and I urge you to research them.

DEAR ABBY: A few weeks ago my husband and I were having an argument. He stormed out of the house and was killed in a wreck while talking to his brother on his cellphone.

His family blames me for arguing with him. While I feel sad that the last thing we did was argue, I feel his brother should shoulder some of the blame because he was on the cellphone with him, which is illegal in our state.

Luckily, no one else was hurt in the crash, but I am very hurt that "John's" family is so angry at me. Please remind folks not to drive while on a cellphone. -- IDAHO WIDOW

DEAR WIDOW: Please accept my sympathy for the tragic loss of your husband. It is important you understand that your former in-laws are angry at the fact that he is dead, and are looking for someone other than him to blame for their pain. If your brother-in-law knew John was on his cellphone while driving, then I'm sure he carries some guilt about it. But the fault lies with your husband, rest his angry soul.

P.S. If your letter serves as a reminder to readers not to use a cellphone -- or text -- while driving, his death will not have been in vain.

DEAR ABBY: I am dating a recently divorced man who was married to a very controlling woman for 31 years. I love him very much and see myself with him in the future. However, at the age of 53, he is interested in pursuing a singing career.

I dated a musician for 16 years and I do not want a relationship with another one. I'm pretending to be supportive because I don't want to be another woman telling him what to do or stifling his dreams. Inside I am dreading it. I become physically ill when I think of losing another man to music.

On the other hand, I can't imagine my life without him. Should I continue to pretend to support him and hope he fails, or let him know that I don't want to be with a musician? -- OUT OF TUNE IN DAYTON, OHIO

DEAR OUT OF TUNE: It is in neither of your best interests for you to continue lying to him because the truth will come to light eventually. He is not the person you dated for 16 years, so let him pursue his dream. The odds of a 53-year-old man becoming an overnight national sensation are long, but after 31 years of misery with his ex, if he can enjoy some success on the local level, please don't begrudge him.