DEAR ABBY: I am 38 and have been married to a good husband and provider for 11 years. We have two beautiful children and a lovely home. We appear to be the perfect couple.

Our problem is, my husband seems to be intimidated by my sexuality. In the past, I have told my husband what pleases me. My comments made him feel inadequate, and he has completely given up. We haven't had sex in two years. He says he would rather pleasure himself so he doesn't have to worry that he isn't "doing it right."

I am a normal, red-blooded woman, and I need sex several times a month. Is that so wrong? I have resorted to having an affair with a man whose wife isn't interested in sex, but I would prefer having a sex life with my husband.

I think my husband knows I am unfaithful. However, he accepts it because it's easier for him to deal with than having sex with me. Is there anything I can do to make my husband try again? -- DESPERATELY SEEKING SEX

DEAR DESPERATELY: Having affairs may temporarily satisfy your sexual needs, but it can only damage your marriage further. If ever there were candidates who could benefit from sex therapy, it is you and your husband. Even though he may be reluctant to face this problem, insist that he see a therapist with you. Please don't wait -- it could save your marriage.

DEAR ABBY: I'm 17 and have been best friends with "Alana" for five years. We do everything together. We like the same things, and we're so close that we finish each other's sentences. She's like a sister to me.

However, the difference between us is that Alana gets crushes on boys that never work out, whereas multiple boys have liked me. After each crush falls through, Alana says her life is awful and it must be her fault. When I try to tell her it's not her fault and she's a wonderful person, she ends the conversation.

It hurts me to see her upset, but sometimes I feel lost about what to do. What can I do to help my friend know she's a beautiful person inside and out, and she doesn't need a boy to be happy? I love her and just want her to be OK. -- BEST FRIENDS IN RANCHO PALOS VERDES, CALIF.

DEAR BEST FRIENDS: Until Alana learns for herself that she doesn't need a boy to be happy, she will continue developing crushes that don't work out. Boys are attracted to girls who appear to be happy and confident, and your friend appears to be neither. Much as you might like to, you can't fix this for her. But once she finally gets the message, she will probably realize that someone she never took the time to notice has a crush on her.

DEAR ABBY: I gave birth to a son almost 40 years ago. His biological father would not help me, so I placed the baby for adoption.

Here's the problem: People are always asking me if I have any children. Should I lie and say no, or try to explain? Legally, my son does not belong to me. Please tell me what to say to my questioners. -- SINCERELY CONCERNED

DEAR CONCERNED: Usually people ask that question only as a way to make conversation. Your personal history is nobody's business. If you prefer not to give a detailed explanation about your personal history, simply say no.

DEAR ABBY: I think what "End of My Rope" (May 3) may have failed to say is that she's tired of sacrificing her own life to care for her ill-tempered, terminally ill husband. Harsh as this may seem, it's a fact. I have been caring for my father for eight years. He's suffering from severe dementia and is now an invalid. I, too, provide him round-the-clock care.

My suggestion to "End" would be to talk to a respite facility about giving her a "vacation" from her husband. I do this with my father twice a year. His appreciation for the care I give him increases greatly after being in a "home." He goes for only one week at a time, but it's long enough for me to miss him and for him to realize I'm not so bad after all.

"End" is overwhelmed and angry right now because her husband expects so much from her. This isn't his fault. It is normal for someone with brain cancer. If no one else is stepping up to give her the breaks she so desperately needs, then she must consider her own well-being. She must do what her heart tells her. She has my sympathy and respect for what she has done so far. -- BEEN THERE, STILL DOING THAT

DEAR BEEN THERE: Thank you for writing. Many readers responded, offering suggestions gained from personal experience. Their comments:

DEAR ABBY: You gave "End of My Rope" helpful information about hospice care for her husband in their home, but more services are available from most hospices. In addition to doctors, nurses, home health aides and volunteers, services are provided by chaplains and social workers who offer essential emotional and spiritual support to dying patients and their families. The hospice that employs me as chaplain also provides bereavement counseling to families by professional grief counselors -- at no charge -- for a year after the patient's passing. -- HONORED TO BE A HOSPICE CHAPLAIN

DEAR ABBY: I suggest "End" call all of her husband's friends and family. Many people offer help in times like this, but they don't know how. Schedule assignments for sitting with her husband, preparing meals, running errands, assisting with getting him in and out of the car on appointment days, or any tasks that need to be done.

Loved ones will appreciate being asked to help in tangible ways. I urge her to take a drive or go out to lunch and leave the caretaking to a trusted friend for an hour or two. Her husband does not realize the enormous burden she carries. When she's at her lowest, I also recommend a simple prayer asking for strength. -- LOUISE IN BRADENTON, FLA.

DEAR ABBY: Our dad was ill for a number of years with Alzheimer's. We are a large family of siblings, but most lived away from our hometown. Though we were fortunate to have in-home care, the day-to-day management fell to me and one of my sisters.

As the oldest, I took it upon myself to write a straightforward letter to my siblings regarding Dad's condition and the progression of his illness. Then I assigned consecutive weekends to each one, telling them this was their weekend to come, spend time with Dad and help with his care. I said they were free to trade weekends among themselves, but the expectation was that Dad would have his family with him every weekend until he passed.

It worked pretty well, with most siblings taking the responsibility seriously and as a chance to express their love and gratitude to Dad in his last days. -- DANIEL IN VISALIA, CALIF.

DEAR ABBY: Did you know you do not need a physician to refer you to hospice? You can self-refer. However, the doctor must certify eligibility so care can begin. -- BRONX M.D.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 24-year-old man with a good job, a good relationship, a level head on my shoulders and a great family. Life has had its ups and downs, but I have always been optimistic and appreciative of my blessings.

My issue is with me. After 10 months or so of dating a woman, I always lose my physical attraction to her. It has been my downfall in both of my previous relationships. My current relationship is with a woman I should marry. She's gorgeous, intelligent, and we have an incredible level of communication. I could not imagine a better partner. But my lack of desire to have a constant physical relationship is driving her away.

I occasionally initiate, but I'm usually not in the mood. I'd be happy with every week or every other week, but I'm only 24. Is this crazy? I know I'm making her feel unwanted, and it has become a sensitive subject for me.

Is this a sign that I'm not supposed to be in this relationship? Other women excite me, but I have no desire to be with someone else. What are your thoughts on this? -- CONFUSED IN THE SOUTH

DEAR CONFUSED: Talk about this with your doctor and have your hormone levels checked. If they are where they should be, it may be that you simply have a low sex drive. Either that, or you crave what no one woman can give any man, and that's variety.

DEAR ABBY: Last year I lost someone very dear to me, my 5-year-old brother. I never knew a child who died before, but when it's your little brother it makes it worse.

The thing is, I'm the oldest and I have always tried to hide my emotions. I try to act like everything is OK because I don't want people to know I'm falling apart. It's bad enough for my mom and my grandparents. I don't want to make it worse.

People say God only gives you what you can handle, but how are you supposed to handle an innocent child's death? -- GRIEVING IN VIRGINIA

DEAR GRIEVING: Please accept my sympathy for your loss. A healthy way to deal with the emotions you are experiencing is to talk about them. Ideally, it would be with your parents. However, because you're afraid it will be too painful for them, you need to find another adult with whom you can vent.

It is important to let the feelings you're bottling up come out because they are normal. Releasing them will help ease your pain. A counselor at school can help, or if you'd be more comfortable with someone else, talk to your clergyperson.

DEAR ABBY: You frequently recommend that readers seek therapy. I've been in therapy for eight years and see very little progress. Do you have any statistics that prove how helpful therapy actually is? -- SKEPTICAL IN SAN FRANCISCO

DEAR SKEPTICAL: I don't have any statistics -- but I do have some advice for you: Change therapists! After eight years and little progress, you're with the wrong person.