DEAR ABBY: My grandfather recently went to jail for having child pornography on his laptop. The lawyers and everyone else say he molested me and my sister. I almost had to testify.

I'm only 13 and have talked with people, but they don't get it. I don't want to talk to a therapist or anything, but my mom and aunt think I should.

Should I? I feel really sad right now. I first learned about this two years ago, but it still hurts. I kind of feel uncomfortable talking about it to people other than my best friends. I write sad poetry to express my feelings and it helps some.

I don't know what to do. It's like I'm stuck in a rut. What should I be feeling? Do I need to talk to someone? Should I open up more? -- UNSURE OF MY FEELINGS

DEAR UNSURE: If your grandfather is in jail, and "the lawyers and everyone else" say he molested you and your sister, then he probably did. The two of you may not have understood what was happening because he led you to believe what he was doing was normal behavior. (This is standard operating procedure for a molester.)

Part of the reason for your sadness may be that your trust was violated. Talking to a therapist is not a punishment. It's actually a privilege, and I hope that you and your sister will take advantage of it. A therapist can give you more insight than your friends can give you.

Your mom and your aunt have your best interests at heart, so please listen to them. A therapist can help you open up more, and your sadness will dissipate.

DEAR ABBY: I love my wife very much, but over the years we have drifted apart. At one time we considered separating, but we went to a marriage counselor and worked most things out.

My wife is the only woman in the world for me, but my feelings are at the bottom of her priorities. I give her nightly foot massages and tell her how much she means to me. She never returns any pleasures. She has told me that sex is not enjoyable for her and she does it only to please me.

I love her dearly, however the romance is gone. Is it possible to rekindle the long-lost fire? -- LONELY, UNIMPORTANT HUSBAND IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR LONELY: I hate to appear negative, but the way you have described your marriage, I doubt it. I also have to question why you think a woman who is so withholding is the only woman in the world for you. You have described what she is getting from you, but what are you receiving in return besides passive rejection?

DEAR ABBY: I am torn between two decisions. I am a 40-year-old teacher, but I have always wanted to be in law enforcement. I didn't pursue my dream because my fiancee would not marry me if I went into police work.

I have done well over the years, but my heart will not let go of being in law enforcement. My wife gives me the "you have a good job and you need to save for your kids" speech. I feel if I don't at least try to pursue my dream it will always bug me.

Should I suck it up, do my time and be unfulfilled for the next 10 years? I feel like the old "you can be whatever you want to be" speech is an injustice to children if you as a parent can't live up to this rule. What do you think about all this? -- LIVING A LIE IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR LIVING A LIE: I think that at age 40 you should be allowed to do what you want with your life. However, if you decide to pursue police work, you should make certain your family will be well-provided-for in case something happens to you in your high-risk new career.

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have thrown a barbecue for all our friends every summer since we were first married. Over the last couple of years, our little party has morphed into a family-friendly event. Our problem is one of our good friends is now the mother of an insufferable 3-year-old boy.

"Fenton's" behavior has been awful for two years. At the last party, he managed to throw our iPod, slam our stereo to the ground, pick up and throw another child and terrorize a gentle dog. He barged in on a nursing mother and refused to leave when asked. We also suspect he was the one who tore our baby gate off its hinges.

The mom is preoccupied with a new baby and deals with the situation by making idle threats. The dad makes jokes about how "it sucks to be a parent" and tells his kid to stop annoying him.

We're pretty sure if Fenton returns for this year's party, many of our other guests won't. We want to remain friends with the mom, so not inviting her isn't an option. Would it be out of line to ask her to leave her husband and the little terror at home? -- SMOKIN' MAD IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR SMOKIN' MAD: Which would be worse -- to have the woman miffed or to be driven mad by her undisciplined child and the parents' unwillingness to take control? Because the kid causes stress in addition to property damage, leave them off the guest list this year. If she asks why, point out her son was so disruptive you were afraid your other guests would refuse to attend if he was there. Soften the "blow" by assuring her you'd love to see her and her husband for some adult time.

Fenton appears to be a little boy who feels upstaged by the new baby and may be acting up in a desperate bid for attention. It would be a kindness to suggest this to his parents, who appear to be clueless.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a single woman who works two jobs and I am constantly on my feet. Because of this I gravitate toward flat-soled shoes. I can't imagine attempting all of the stairs I must climb each day while tottering on a high pair of heels or practically falling off platforms.

I am friendly with two men (casually dating one of them) and each one has reacted negatively to my shoes. One of them said that I obviously don't want to snag a guy because of my footwear, and the other repeated an old joke that, "A lesbian is a woman in comfortable shoes."

I am a straight female who happens to feel more comfortable in flats. High heels might look nice, but they would cause me discomfort and problems during my long workdays. I have explained this to them, but they give me funny looks.

Do flat-soled shoes make you less of a woman or somehow suspect in terms of being "straight"? Does our society view women in comfortable shoes as being possibly lesbian? I find the idea ridiculous, but two different men have come to the same conclusion. I'm confused about their attitudes and would appreciate your ideas. -- STEPPING OUT IN MISSOURI

DEAR STEPPING OUT: While it may have been said that "clothes make the man" and "a lesbian is a woman in comfortable shoes," neither statement has much bearing on the truth. Women who are on their feet all day -- or night, depending upon their profession -- should not wear shoes with very high heels. Ask any podiatrist.

P.S. I suspect the two men you mentioned have a shoe fetish. Please wear what is comfortable and don't apologize for it.

DEAR ABBY: "Jane," the daughter of a life-long friend, attended my son's wedding with her husband. My son and Jane have known each other since childhood, and always flirted and acted as if they had a crush on each other.

To make a long story short, after seeing each other during the weekend, my son left his wife of only one month and started a long-distance relationship with Jane. Jane continues to live with her husband.

My son and Jane have been open about their relationship with everyone in our families except her father and her husband. Needless to say, those of us who know about this deceptive relationship are sick at heart and skeptical about who Jane's true love is -- her husband or my son.

Jane's sister is being married soon. If Jane is still keeping my son in a closet, I don't want to see her at the upcoming wedding. There's a chance Jane's husband may not be going because there's evidence he might have an idea that his marriage is not healthy.

Should we attend the wedding to support my life-long friend, or stay away to avoid the pain of seeing the woman who has kept my son on a roller-coaster ride for years? -- TO GO OR NOT TO GO?

DEAR T.G. OR NOT T.G.: Let me get this straight. Your son dumped his wife of only one month for a married woman, and you're worried about his pain? Stop involving yourself in this melodrama and let him work this out for himself. If Jane dumps her husband for him, he may have the girl of his childhood dreams. If she doesn't he will learn an important life lesson.

As to whether you should attend Jane's sister's wedding, take a Dramamine and go. It's going to be a thrill ride I wouldn't miss if I could get a ticket.

DEAR ABBY: I am a frequent international traveler with a problem. I always pack food for myself to take onboard. My trips are often 20 hours or longer and involve several planes. I find many people neglect to pack any food and they wind up asking -- or begging -- me to give them some of mine. It's very awkward for me.

On one flight, I overheard a woman tell her son, "Go ask that man for some cookies," and the kid did come over. How do I handle this? There are times I have to spend five or seven hours in an airport after midnight waiting for the next flight, and that food is my reserve. -- NOT STINGY IN FLORIDA

DEAR NOT STINGY: I'm glad you have given me the chance to remind travelers that the food on airplanes isn't what it was years ago -- particularly for passengers flying coach. That's why it's important to plan ahead and bring something onboard -- fruit, candy, a sandwich -- particularly when traveling with children.

Of course it's hard to refuse someone in a situation like the one you described. I suppose you could have told the child, "Didn't your mother warn you not to take food from strangers?" But then you'd have to live with the image of a hungry child sitting two rows back.

Sometimes you do have to "just say no." Explain that you have a long layover and need the emergency provisions for yourself. It may not win you many friends, but then, you are not running for office.