DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend of one year has told me he needs to focus on getting his life together -- getting a better job, concentrating on his career and finding himself. At this point in his life, he knows he can't provide for me and give me what I want, which is to settle down in a few years.

He said he is unsure when he will have his life together and he doesn't want me to wait for him. He feels he needs to be "selfish" now and focus only on himself. We have talked about breaking up, and while he has faith that we will be together again, I can't bring myself to end things with this amazing man. -- AFRAID TO LET GO

DEAR AFRAID: When a man says he wants to focus only on himself and he doesn't want you to wait for him, what he is really saying is, "It's over." While the prospect of moving on after having invested a year in the relationship may be anxiety-provoking, at this point, you really have no choice. And don't expect to "be together again" anytime soon because his road to self-discovery could take a long, long time if it happens at all. Please accept my sympathy for your heartache.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 13-year-old boy. My dad and I have a disagreement. I have been throwing away the lunches my mom packs for school because I don't like them and buying school lunches. I realize this was ungrateful and dishonest, and I regret doing it.

As a punishment, Dad won't let me go to one of my best friends' birthday party. I'm fine with being punished, but I think this punishment is unfair to my friend because he doesn't get to have me at his party. Instead, I think it would be better to be grounded or made to do extra chores. Who's right? -- NORMAL TEEN IN ORINDA, CALIF.

DEAR TEEN: You are a born negotiator. Instead of taking your punishment, you're trying for a plea bargain. I wouldn't be surprised if in the future you become a successful lawyer.

However, regarding your question -- I'm not getting in the middle of this one. And I'm pretty sure that this is a punishment you won't soon forget. Bon appetit!

DEAR ABBY: My aunt has been diagnosed with a progressive form of dementia and has had to be permanently hospitalized. She is no longer able to perform basic life functions and also has violent outbursts. Her prognosis is not good, and she'll likely die within a year.

I'm engaged and getting ready to send out invitations to my wedding. However, I'm unsure how to address the invitation to my uncle.

My aunt will almost certainly be alive at the time of my wedding, but there is no possible way she can attend. It seems wrong to ignore her existence and address the invitation only to "Mr. John Smith." But it feels equally wrong to address it to "Mr. and Mrs. John Smith," knowing she cannot attend. Your advice would be greatly appreciated. -- POLITE BRIDE-TO-BE IN CONNECTICUT

DEAR POLITE BRIDE-TO-BE: Address the invitation to both your aunt and uncle, but when you do, include a sweet note saying you understand that she won't be able to attend, but hope that he will be able to join you on your special day. I'm sure it will be appreciated.

DEAR ABBY: I have been married for 35 years. We have one daughter. My husband has this "thing" about grabbing other women's behinds. He hugs them and then goes in for a grab. It bothers me so much. It hurts my feelings and I have told him so, but he still does it.

Men have told me they don't want him touching their wives this way. Others have said it's disrespectful to me. He says he will try to stop doing it. Try? That doesn't set well with me.

What do you think about this? Am I overreacting? After all these years, I just don't know what to think. -- HANDS OFF IN ROCHESTER, N.Y.

DEAR HANDS OFF: I agree that pinching other women's bottoms is disrespectful (unless you're in Italy, where it's the norm). It appears you have spent 35 years married to an unrepentant lecher. I'd think that by now he would have trouble hugging any woman twice if she saw him with arms outstretched.

Because you can't convince your husband to change his ways, try this: When a man complains about your husband's misbehavior, tell him he should deliver that message directly to your spouse. Perhaps that will get the point across.

DEAR ABBY: I recently married a wonderful man, and I like my in-laws very much. They're nice, welcoming people and we get along well. There's just one problem: They are the biggest enablers I have ever met!

With my husband it isn't a big deal because he's very self-sufficient. On the other hand, his 30-year-old brother has lived with them for three years. He is jobless and has a drinking problem. His parents don't encourage him to look for work. They give him an allowance, pay all his court costs and drive him around because he got a DUI. They even pay his cellphone bill.

What is my place in all of this? Should I say anything? My fear is that when my husband's parents die, his brother will become our problem. -- LOOKING AHEAD IN COLORADO

DEAR LOOKING AHEAD: Don't say anything to your husband's parents. The pattern they are following is one that was set long ago, and nothing you can say will change it. It may, however, cause serious hard feelings.

The person you should talk to is your husband, so that well in advance of his parents' demise, you will be in agreement about his brother finally taking responsibility for himself or suffering the consequences of his actions.

DEAR ABBY: I love my co-workers, but several of them have an aggravating habit of walking into my office, uninvited, while I'm eating lunch at my desk. They then proceed to tell me their latest news, joke or war story.

Abby, those of us who eat at our desks do it so we can keep working and be ready to respond to work-related contacts as they come in, not to socialize. Besides, isn't it just as rude to interrupt someone while they're eating as it is while they're talking? I wish my beloved co-workers would save it for the water cooler. -- "SANDWICHED" IN SAN DIEGO

DEAR SANDWICHED: I don't think it's rude. But because you do, it's up to you to tell your well-meaning co-workers that when you're working at your desk, you'd prefer not to be interrupted because it breaks your concentration. If you speak up nicely, I'm sure they won't love you any less, and then you will love them even more.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I just got some shocking news. His father -- age 81 -- is leaving his wife of 60 years! Mom is not entirely self-sufficient and seems dependent on him.

Dad found himself a younger woman -- a "chick" of 70. He has announced that he still has sexual needs and wants to enjoy the rest of his life. My husband thinks it will be a short-term fling and he'll return to Mom, but she says she won't be taking him back. (Who knows how she'll feel later?)

My problem is, no matter what happens between them, I'm having a hard time even considering forgiving him for his selfishness. I know it's not my place as his daughter-in-law, but I don't know how I can bring myself to face him feeling as I do. Any words of wisdom? -- JUDGMENTAL JUDY IN ARIZONA

DEAR JUDGMENTAL JUDY: I do have a few. If your mother-in-law hasn't already done so, make sure she gets the best legal advice possible. After 60 years of marriage, there should be plenty of assets to split. They will make her financially independent, and from that, emotional independence will follow. Do not count her out as a weak sister just yet because she appears to be stronger than you think.

While it's possible your father-in-law may want to reunite after the fling, it is equally possible that when the "chick" sees his nest egg is cracked in half, he will be less appealing to her. Only time will tell. In the meantime, keep the peace, bide your time, and as tempting as it may be to voice everything that's on your mind, keep your lip zipped. This isn't your marriage, so don't stir the pot.

DEAR ABBY: I have been married to "Tom," the love of my life, for four years. We have been together more than 10 years and have a 2-year-old daughter.

Tom was diagnosed with a terminal illness early last year and is close to the end now. He's very angry, which I understand, but he takes it out on me since I am his caregiver. I'm also a full-time student about to graduate with my degree in registered nursing, so I'm busy all the time.

Between school, my daughter and giving full care to my husband, I'm stressed out. He yells a lot about everything, from money woes to the wrong bread on his sandwich. To top it off, we haven't been intimate since our daughter was born.

I'm not considering straying from our marriage, but at times I feel I'll be ready to date as soon as he's gone. It makes me feel guilty. Is it wrong to feel this way? Do you have any advice to help me through this tragic time in our lives? -- DEPRESSED AND LONELY IN MICHIGAN

DEAR DEPRESSED: Yes. Stop beating yourself up for experiencing human emotions at a time when you're hauling a load that would crush an ox. Of course your husband is angry. He has good reason to be -- but he's misdirecting it on you.

Guilt is the last thing you need to add to what you're dealing with. It's normal to crave the closeness you haven't experienced in two years.

If there are counseling services offered at your nursing school, please avail yourself of them. Venting your feelings in a supportive environment will lighten your load and help you cope with your husband. There are also online support groups for caregivers. If you reach out in either direction, you'll feel better. It could also be helpful to ask your husband's doctor for a referral to someone who does end-of-life counseling for him.