DEAR ABBY: When my husband and I married, I thought I had hit the jackpot in mothers-in-law. We were becoming friends, going shopping together, etc. Boy, was I wrong. Now, five years later, I can't stand her. Just 15 minutes with her sends me over the edge. She's rude, judgmental, and gossips like a teenager about everyone.

She put together a cookbook for me filled with my husband's favorite recipes. Guess what? After trying half a dozen of them and failing at every one, I realized she had changed and added or omitted certain ingredients in every single one. When I asked about it, she told me she just wanted her son to prefer her cooking over mine.

Then there was the time she was baby-sitting and took our son to see Santa Claus for the very first time without asking or telling us. That's an event parents want to be part of. I found out about it months later when I looked through her scrapbook.

I'm not sure of her motives, but she has something against me. My husband is on my side 100 percent when it comes to his mother. He can't stand to be around her either. What is the appropriate way to handle her? She makes us want to move away. -- READY TO PACK IN OHIO

DEAR READY TO PACK: It isn't necessary to move away to distance yourselves from people like your mother-in-law. Limit the time you spend with her. When you must see her, be careful not to say anything negative about anyone or give her sensitive information you don't want shared. If you want to prepare a special food for your husband, go online and find recipes that haven't been "doctored." You'll find plenty of them. Then let him rave about your cooking.

As for the incident with Santa, remember that your son was so young he probably has no memory of it. Many little children are frightened by big strangers in red suits, which is why smart parents don't force the exposure. And now that you know what poor judgment your mother-in-law has, make other arrangements for a sitter when you need one.

But don't cut her off. However she managed it, she created the wonderful husband with whom you are blessed.

DEAR ABBY: I am a divorced father of two children, one in college and the other in high school. I have reached a point in life where I can take trips and make time for me. I am well-educated and earn an above-average income. I'm in decent shape and considered a "catch" by many of the single women I encounter. But most of the women in my age bracket (mid-40s) or slightly younger no longer take care of themselves.

I'm looking for a very attractive woman to accompany me through life. Most single men I know also put a premium on a woman's appearance. Why don't women understand this? Where would you suggest finding a suitable partner for someone in my situation? -- MR. PARTICULAR IN TUCSON

DEAR MR. PARTICULAR: Start at the nearest gym. If that doesn't net you what you're trolling for, another place to look would be the Playboy Mansion in Los Angeles. Hef throws large parties there, many of which are charity fundraisers. Who knows? For a generous donation you might meet a woman who meets your high standards -- providing you have enough assets of your own to merit her interest.

DEAR ABBY: I am 24 and graduated from college with a bachelor's degree in criminal justice. I am currently living with my parents. They are a bit controlling and hate resistance from me. I grew up doing everything they told me with no personal opinions of my own, until I met my fiance a year ago. He has helped me gain the strength to speak up and let my thoughts be known.

We're trying to save enough money to live together. Mom has made it clear that she doesn't like that idea because we're not married yet. She and Dad are also unhappy that I no longer want to work in the field my degree is in. (I worked for a sheriff's office for a couple of months and was treated horribly, then I was fired.)

I have told my parents repeatedly that this is my life, but it seems to do no good. Do you have any suggestions on what I should say to them about these issues? -- GROWN-UP GIRL IN ALABAMA

DEAR GROWN-UP GIRL: You appear to be a bright young woman who was raised to be submissive and compliant. That may be the reason working at the sheriff's office didn't work out for you.

Rather than turn your back on the profession you trained for, you need to learn to be more assertive. That way you won't be dependent on anyone else for the strength to voice your opinions, or live your life according to the standards you set for yourself. Sometimes it isn't what you say, but the conviction with which the words are spoken that carries the most important message.

P.S. Return to the college from which you graduated and talk to a counselor there about the various career options in your field for someone with your degree. Surely there are more opportunities than working at that sheriff's office.

DEAR ABBY: It's a second marriage for my husband and me. Our children are all adults, and we all try to get along. My stepdaughter, "Sharon," has invited us for Thanksgiving weekend and insists that we be her houseguests. As sweet as she is, she and her family live in a borderline "hoarder" home.

The last time we visited our hometown, we stopped by to see them. After a struggle to get the front door open, Sharon's first words were, "We know it's a mess. We don't clean or cook." When we returned to our car, my husband said he had never seen a house that filthy. But he insists we accept their invitation and not hurt their feelings.

I'd rather get a motel room and take them out to dinner. I have strongly voiced my concerns for our safety and health to my husband. How can I address the subject of needing clean sheets and being able to cook a meal, and getting to the (dirty) bathroom during the night? I'm already having anxiety issues. -- HAVING NIGHTMARES IN TENNESSEE

DEAR HAVING NIGHTMARES: I sympathize with your husband's desire not to cause hurt feelings, but the invitation for you to be houseguests under these circumstances is not practical.

Sharon should be told that you are a very private person and you would not feel comfortable getting up in the middle of the night and flushing a toilet; therefore you would be more at ease in a motel.

If her kitchen and eating areas are "filthy" (your husband's word), you should not eat in her house, either. Your husband should cheerfully assert his role as the patriarch and insist on taking the family out for Thanksgiving dinner. How can she argue? After all, "Father knows best!"

DEAR ABBY: I'm 13, and a few weeks ago I met a guy online, got his number and we texted -- a lot. Before I knew it, we were flirting up a storm.

He lives in Tennessee and I'm in Texas. He's the same age as I am, so I don't see anything wrong with liking him, even if he's so far away. We have decided not to date until we have a chance to meet each other in person.

The problem is, I feel like I love him. He doesn't call me "hot," he calls me "gorgeous." He doesn't call me "Babe," he calls me "Angel." He listens to me when I have a problem and gives me sweet advice.

Yes, I know I'm young and love is supposed to come later in life. Yes, it seems shady that I met him online and we have never talked face-to-face. I know I might be mistaking love for infatuation -- I've heard all this before. But I trust this boy to be faithful and supportive of me.

How can I tell if I love him or not? Should I cut off contact with him? Is it OK to feel the way I do? -- TEENAGE GIRL IN A DREAM

DEAR TEENAGE GIRL: I'm all for young love, but before plunging in, I think both parties should know with whom they are having the pleasure. Has it occurred to you that because you met this person online and have never spoken face-to-face that he might not be who he says he is?

The person you have described may not be a teenage boy in Tennessee. He could be an adult man (or woman) anywhere. He doesn't communicate in the language most teens of today use. He doesn't call you "hot," he doesn't call you "Babe." He is using terms that someone much older would use.

Personally, I think you should take a giant step backward until you and a more experienced adult in your life learn more about him. Adults who carry on online romances with 13-year-old girls are called predators for good reason.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend of four years, "Taylor," and I are opposites in that I like to be on time and he is generally late. We usually work this out by leaving for an event I choose at the time I want, and leave for his friends' gatherings when he wants.

My problem is leaving for the airport when we travel together. We use public transportation, which takes 45 minutes, but things can go wrong and make it longer.

Taylor would like to leave so we arrive at the airport 45 minutes before our flights. This causes me a lot of stress because security lines can be long and I'm afraid of missing our plane. We have had to run through airports in order to avoid being left behind.

I'd like to be at the airport an hour and a half before flight time to be safe. Taylor hates waiting in the terminal when security is light and thinks we could be doing other things with our time. Please save me from our next argument and tell us who is right. -- FRAZZLED TRAVELER IN SAN FRANCISCO

DEAR FRAZZLED: You are. Better to be safe than sorry, especially when you have nonrefundable tickets. I have been on flights when seats were given to standby passengers because the ticketed passenger was held up for some reason. There are worse things than having to kill a half-hour at the airport. Missing your flight is one of them.