DEAR ABBY: I'm engaged to someone I love very much. I am 36 and he is 44. We get along great, but he's in a rush to get married. It will be my first and his second. We got engaged three months ago, and he wants the wedding to be in February. The date he picked is his father's birthday.

My other problem is, he is always pawing at me. He always needs to be touching me or calling me his "beautiful angel." It's good to hear that once in a while, but not five times a day.

I love being with him, but sometimes I need my own space. If I say no, he gets defensive and worried that I'm going to leave him. We spend practically every waking (and non-waking) moment together. I am almost at a breaking point. Help! -- OVERWHELMED IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR OVERWHELMED: I hope you realize that the behavior you are describing is not an indication of love, but of extreme insecurity. His need to constantly touch you, his defensiveness if you say you need some space, and his fear that you will leave him won't change if you marry him. I am also concerned about the way your wedding date was chosen, because the decision wasn't arrived at mutually.

Ask yourself this: If he makes what should be joint decisions, and you have no space for yourself because of his insecurity, is this the way you want to spend a lifetime? These could be symptoms of an abuser.

DEAR ABBY: I'm 25, have an associate's degree in health management, completed a CRMA (Certified Residential Medication Aide) course, and I'm now on my way to obtaining my bachelor of science in health management. It sounds like I'm heading toward a great future, right?

My problem is I have zero confidence in myself. I'm scared to death of making mistakes as a CRMA, and equally scared of being successful. Everybody says how "proud" they are of me and that I'm headed toward great things, but I'm not sure I can do this. I am struggling to find self-confidence because if I don't believe in myself, I won't achieve anything. What can I do to put myself out there and take the steps I need to accomplish my goals? -- NEEDS A BOOST IN MAINE

DEAR NEEDS A BOOST: Self-doubt can be an asset if it causes you to strive harder to master the skills you will need in your profession. However, because you are afraid of both failure and success, the surest way to conquer your fears would be to talk about them with a counselor at your school or to a psychologist. What you are dealing with is not as unusual as you may think.

DEAR ABBY: My husband insists that wearing a white T-shirt when out and about is the same as wearing a colored one with a design on it. I think he's wearing underwear as outerwear and is being too casual.

We do not live in a rural community. We are in a suburb of San Diego. Life is relaxed here, but not that relaxed. Do you have an opinion? -- DRESSING UP, NOT DOWN

DEAR DRESSING UP: I do have a thought or two on the subject. If your husband is comfortable this way, leave him alone. Because you are the one concerned with appearances, continue dressing up to create the impression you want and let him dress down and suffer the consequences -- if there are any, which I doubt.

DEAR ABBY: My husband committed suicide 2 1/2 years ago. We had been married for 13 years and had two daughters who are now 15 and 9. The l5-year-old seems to be doing fine. The 9-year-old is not.

But my biggest problem is my live-in boyfriend, "Tim." While I love him and mostly enjoy his company, he appears to dislike my 9-year-old. She needs male attention because her dad was an attentive, wonderful father. I have discussed this with Tim. His response is he has a hard time doing it because she is "totally out of control and crazy."

Abby, she is none of that. She is a child with a lot of energy. I don't know what to do. I know it isn't fair to my daughter, but I'm lonely and miss Tim when he's not there. I'd appreciate any advice you can give me. -- TRYING TO MOVE ON IN OHIO

DEAR TRYING: I am so sorry for your loss. However, parents get only one chance at parenting, which is why it's so important to do it right the first time. What is happening in your household is unfair to your daughter. She should not be forced to live with a man who doesn't like her and can't give her positive reinforcement. That's why, for her sake, it would be better for you and Tim to live apart. If you choose him over your daughter, you will later regret it and could cause her serious emotional problems for decades.

DEAR ABBY: The holidays are right around the corner, and my husband and I have had a difficult couple of years financially. I'm a full-time student; he is the only one bringing in an income while we raise two young boys.

I love the holidays -- except for shopping for others. I hate spending money I don't have looking for that perfect gift for everyone on my list. More often than not, the gift ends up being re-gifted or in the summer garage sale. For the past two years I have asked that if people want to give gifts, to please give them to the kids and leave us adults out of it. My requests have been ignored.

I know for a fact that my extended family is as strapped for cash as I am, but they charge on credit cards. Should I refuse a gift I can't reciprocate or thank them and try not to feel guilty? The name exchange option didn't work. I feel there should be more to the holidays than going into debt for gifts. -- MA HUMBUG IN OREGON

DEAR MA HUMBUG: I agree with you, and so would credit counselors coast to coast. Thank your relatives for their gifts. Reiterate that money is tight, so you will be giving gifts to the youngest family members only. If you feel you must reciprocate in some way, whip up a batch of holiday cookies or fudge brownies, wrap them with a colorful ribbon and make that your holiday gift.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married for six years. Before I met him, I was with a woman. I don't want my husband to find out about it because I'm afraid it will turn him on and he'll want to have threesomes. (He enjoys looking at lesbian porn.)

Should I feel this way about telling him? -- WANTS MY PAST IN THE PAST

DEAR WANTS YOUR PAST IN THE PAST: If you think there is a chance that your husband will find out, then the person he should hear it from is you. And if he suggests having a threesome, tell him that you are happy as things are and you prefer to remain monogamous.

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have been married for five years. I recently discovered that she made between 10 and 20 porn videos when she was 19. We got married when she was 27. We have four kids from two previous marriages.

I am devastated. When I confronted her about it, she cried harder than I had ever seen. She said she was lost, and it's the biggest regret of her entire life.

I understand how hard it can be to tell someone you have done something like this. I haven't led a perfect life either, and I have my own skeletons and things that I would never mention. But still, I can't get over this. I have never felt pain like this in my entire life and don't know what to do. I love my wife and don't want a divorce, but it haunts my every thought. We have had a great life and I trust her completely. What should I do to get over this? -- DEVASTATED IN THE U.S.A.

DEAR DEVASTATED: A giant step in the right direction would be to accept that you both had a history before you married each other, and you both have done things you aren't proud of. Then make a list of all the good things you have together, and forgive your wife for making some painful mistakes in the past that she was too ashamed to tell you. It certainly beats divorcing a woman you love over something she can't change. If that doesn't work, then you'd be wise to seek marriage counseling.

DEAR ABBY: My wife verbally abuses me constantly. We have an 11-month-old child, which is the only reason I tolerate it. While I try hard not to curse back, once in a while I end up doing so.

I have sought professional help to cope with her behavior, but the suggestions haven't helped much. The situation is becoming unbearable, and I don't see it changing any time soon. What should I do? -- UNBEARABLE IN VIRGINIA

DEAR UNBEARABLE: The suggestions haven't helped because you weren't the person who needed the professional help; your wife does. In a moment when she is calm, tell her that as much as you care about her and your child, you do not intend to spend the rest of your life being her verbal whipping boy, and if she doesn't get help for her anger issues, you will leave. If she refuses, you should follow through and make sure you get equal custody, if not more, because her volatility could be harmful to your child.

DEAR ABBY: We are a pair of senior citizens who are very much in love. We have a lot in common and enjoy our companionship. Marriage is not an option because of pensions, bank accounts and predetermined heirs -- you know the story.

We would like the whole world to know we are committed and devoted to each other. Would it be unusual, at this late stage, to become engaged with no intention of setting a wedding date? -- BLISSFUL IN FLORIDA

DEAR BLISSFUL: Rather than become engaged with no intention of formalizing your union, why not have a commitment ceremony and invite friends and family to celebrate your love for each other with you? Ask a member of the clergy to bless your union. I'm sure one would oblige because it has been done before.