DEAR ABBY: I am a 31-year-old, never-married mother of two. Last summer I started having an affair with "Jordan," the father of my first child. He left me when our daughter was a year old and has been engaged for three years in an on-again, off-again relationship.

I could give you excuses about why the affair started up again, but the truth is we both knew it was wrong and continued to do it anyway. I never stopped loving him and I thought it would bring him back to me.

Today I found out from Jordan's fiancee that they have set their wedding date for next spring. She said they would like for me to come. As if it wouldn't be painful enough to go to the wedding, his fiancee has also asked me to do her hair for the occasion. (I'm a hairstylist.)

Abby, Jordan and I are still having an affair. I want to tell her, but I don't want him to hate me. I believe this wedding is a big mistake for many reasons, not just the obvious. Please give me some outside advice. -- CAN'T HELP MYSELF IN OHIO

DEAR CAN'T HELP YOURSELF: OK, the first thing to do is wake up, smell the coffee and accept that resuming the sexual relationship with Jordan has not had the desired effect. He will be marrying someone else.

Next, concentrate on saving yourself and waste no more of your time on him -- that is, if you would like a permanent, monogamous relationship with someone. Jordan has given you ample proof that he is incapable of being faithful to one woman.

And last, tell his fiancee that you do not plan to attend the wedding or do her hair because you are in love with Jordan and have been sleeping with him since last summer.

DEAR ABBY: I have known my husband for seven years and I love him very much, but I am no longer "in love" with him. Somehow along the way the spark has fizzled.

We have a wonderful family and have been through so much together. I don't want a divorce. I want to make our marriage work, and so does he. So how do I get my spark back? -- SPARKLESS IN TEXAS

DEAR SPARKLESS: That you and your husband want your marriage to work means it is capable of being resuscitated. While you didn't give any details, it is possible that you have been "through so much" that it didn't allow you to concentrate on each other. Exhaustion and distraction can cause a spark to fizzle.

A way to reignite it would be to spend more time alone together, participate in activities you both enjoy, and make time on a regular basis to talk, relax and touch each other. And if necessary, enlist the services of a licensed marriage counselor.

DEAR ABBY: My sister relinquished custody of her kids in a divorce 30 years ago. I recently made contact with them to re-establish lost ties. The contact I made with the daughter has been a wonderful success. The other resulted in complete -- and understandable -- rejection.

Now my sister, who didn't want to open the door, blames me for her heartache because her son rejected her. Was I wrong for bringing at least one of them back into the family? -- SISTER IN THE SOUTH

DEAR SISTER: Because you did it over your sister's objections, I think you were. While the daughter seems interested in establishing contact -- at least for now -- your sister has now "lost" her son twice. And if the daughter eventually backs off, your sister will be zero for two.

DEAR ABBY: I am 20 and have been with my boyfriend, "Griffin," for five years. He recently gave me a beautiful promise ring. I would like to spend the rest of my life with him, but I think I have a problem.

I am going to become an adoption professional, and I plan on adopting one day. Griffin knows I'm pursuing this career and that I want to adopt, but I don't think he understands how serious I am about it. We don't plan on being married until after college, when we'll both be 25.

How do I let him know I'm serious about this? I don't want to wait five more years and find he's not on the same page and that I wasted my time. When I try to discuss it, Griffin says we're "too young to think about it." What do I say to that? -- MAPPING OUT MY FUTURE IN L.A.

DEAR MAPPING: It appears you are more mature than your boyfriend. Because you are determined to eventually adopt a child, I agree that it's important for you to know whether Griffin has any negative feelings about adoption because some people are unable to accept a child who is not their own. The next time he says you're too young to think about such things, explain that.

There is a vast difference between a "promise ring" and a little gold band. Because Griffin presented you with a promise ring is no guarantee that in five years the two of you will make it to the altar together. You may need to be with someone who, like you, is more geared to mapping out a future and wants to settle down.

DEAR ABBY: My daughter, "Annie," is a single mother, holds a full-time job and trains for triathlons. Her son, "Cooper," is 3. Annie has him enrolled in day care from 7 a.m. until 4 p.m. every day while she's at work. Afterward, she picks up Cooper from day care and checks him into the gym's child care service while she works out.

I have offered to pick my grandson up from day care once a week and keep him until Annie finishes her workout. My other daughter has offered to pick him up twice a week so he can play with his cousin at her house.

Annie has become defensive. She says we're offering because we think she's neglecting him. Actually, I do think so. It breaks my heart that my grandson spends 12 hours a day in day care. Do you agree with me? What should I do? -- WORRIED GRANNY IN THE SOUTHWEST

DEAR WORRIED GRANNY: Annie may be defensive because she feels some guilt, or because you need to become a better actress and transmit less disapproval.

Apologize to her if that will smooth things over. Explain that you would like Cooper to spend time with you because you love him and want him to develop warm childhood memories of his grandmother. Tell Annie that her sister wants him to spend time with his cousin so they will have a closer bond when they're older. Then cross your fingers and hope she'll accept the offers.

DEAR ABBY: What is your definition of a committed relationship? -- TRYING FOR ONE IN TEXAS

DEAR TRYING: A committed relationship is one in which both parties agree that it will remain mutually exclusive.

DEAR ABBY: Twice in recent years my husband has bought a gift for himself for Christmas, wrapped it, put it under the tree and then opened it on Christmas morning, gleefully exclaiming that it was a great gift and just what he wanted.

The first time he did it, he wrote my name on the gift card as the giver. The second time he didn't bother. When I asked him why, he said it was something he saw in the store and wanted. When I asked why he didn't just ask me to get it, he didn't have an answer.

He has also bought cards for himself for Valentine's Day. On both of them he wrote, "To Larry from 'Hon,'" his pet name for me.

I was flabbergasted and upset and asked him why he would do such a thing. He said he ran across the "perfect card" for him while looking for one for me.

I don't know what to make of his behavior, but it is demeaning and I feel angry for days afterward. He has a habit of comparing my gifts with those from his son or those he bought for himself, and it makes me feel as if mine don't measure up. My husband is 77. What's wrong with him? -- PERPLEXED IN FLORIDA

DEAR PERPLEXED: It appears you married someone who likes to buy on impulse and is insensitive to how his words and actions affect others. Look on the bright side: He's solved the problem of what to get the man who has everything for you!

However, because this is a recent change in his behavior, consider reporting it to his doctor.

DEAR ABBY: I have received several invitations to parties recently in which I was asked to do part of the work or participate in some of the expenses.

The one that really took the cake was to a party hosted by my boss. She had decided to celebrate her birthday at her house, and when I and my co-workers RSVP'd, we were asked what type of dish we planned to bring. We also discovered that only invited employees were asked to bring food. Her "real friends" weren't asked to bring anything. Needless to say, all but one employee remembered they had a "conflict."

If someone doesn't have the time or money to host a party, there are plenty of inexpensive foods, disposable tableware, etc., that can be used in a pleasant, cost-effective event without burdening -- financially or otherwise -- invited guests. What matters is getting together to celebrate and socialize and have a good time with friends and family. Abby, your thoughts? -- UNHAPPY "GUEST" IN MISSOURI

DEAR "GUEST": I'm glad you asked. I agree with your sentiments. Your boss should be ashamed of herself for trying to use you and the other employees in the guise of having you as guests at her birthday party. How tacky!

DEAR ABBY: I'm attending a wedding in a few months. The bride has requested that all female guests not wear heels because they're a short couple. I don't have any flats that will go with my dress, so I will have to either buy new shoes or "disappoint" the bride.

I've been hearing stories about wedding guests being told what colors to wear. I think brides (and couples) like this are going too far. What do you think? -- PUT OUT IN BRITISH COLUMBIA

DEAR PUT OUT: I think that if the bridal couple would like to feel a few inches taller on their big day, and buying a new pair of shoes would stretch your budget, you should consider having an old pair of flats dyed to match your dress, or skip the festivities and send your good wishes.