DEAR ABBY: My grandmother is 75 years old and, unfortunately, very unpleasant to be around. She has made many hurtful remarks in the past, which have led some family members to shut her out of their lives.

I live in another state and don't see my grandmother very often. I call her once or twice a month. When I do, she's nothing but pleasant with me, but she's often angry and tearful about other members of the family.

She feels her children and grandchildren should respect her as the matriarch of the family and include her in all family get-togethers. (My family tells me they have stopped inviting her to many functions because she's such a troublemaker.)

I'm concerned about my grandmother and am beginning to think that my parents and siblings should overlook her unpleasant behavior and occasional snide remarks. At the very least they should include her in important family functions. I'd be interested in your opinion, so I can share it with my family. -- TROUBLED IN MINNESOTA

DEAR TROUBLED: Your grandmother appears to be reaping what she has sown. Verbal abuse often leaves scars on those at whom it is aimed, and no one can be blamed for wanting distance from a person who is deliberately hurtful.

Respect is something that has to be earned. Your parents and siblings "respect" your grandmother from a distance because they have learned it's the only safe way to do so.

Does this mean she should automatically be excluded from all family get-togethers? No. However, before she's invited to an important event, she should give assurances that she'll watch her mouth and be on her best behavior. Or else.

If this seems heavy-handed, so be it. It's no crime to protect oneself from someone else's mean-spiritedness.

DEAR ABBY: Please allow me to share a dating technique with your readers that has saved me a lot of relationship headaches. I call it "the 90-day rule."

Whenever I start dating someone, I try to see them at least once a week for 90 days. That way, if there are any character flaws, I find out within the first 90 days.

Among the flaws I've discovered: drug dealing and addiction, alcoholism, driving without a valid license and with illegal license tags, and lying about their occupation.

The idea is to avoid sexual intimacy during those first 90 days to keep your head clear. If you are intimate too soon, you'll find yourself making excuses for your partner. This technique has never failed me -- unless I made an exception.

May I suggest your readers try this 90-day rule? If they do, I promise they won't be disappointed because it takes time to get to know someone. Before you can love someone, you must learn who that person really is. -- CLEARHEADED IN CLEARWATER, FLA.

DEAR CLEARHEADED: Your 90-day rule makes a lot of sense. I have heard from many readers who went too far too fast because they felt they had made an instant emotional connection. I warn them that physical attraction should not be confused with love because what they're really describing is infatuation.

DEAR ABBY: "Myles" and I have known each other for five years, but have grown really close over the past three. We tell each other everything, and I have fallen in love with him.

A few months ago, Myles sent me a text saying he needed to tell me a "secret." He went on to say the guy he had told me was his brother, "Jeff," is really his lover. Needless to say, that bombshell floored me.

We have discussed it in person, and I have never told him how I feel. I visit them a couple of times a month and always go home feeling hurt. I want Myles for myself, even though I know I can't have him. I don't want to lose him as my friend, but it hurts seeing him and Jeff together. How do I resolve this? -- GIRL LEFT BEHIND IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR LEFT BEHIND: Start by being as honest with Myles as he was with you. Tell him that over the course of your friendship you fell in love with him -- and that you wish you had known he was gay before you became so emotionally involved.

If you want romance, you will have to look for it elsewhere. In order for you to find it, I cannot stress strongly enough that you will need to feel good about yourself. Stop torturing yourself by visiting the two lovebirds and take a break for a while. A long while.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 36-year-old woman who has never been married or had children. For the past two years I've been seeing a man I'll call Frank. I love him deeply, and I believe he feels the same about me.

Frank is still married but legally separated from his wife. They have one child who lives with his mom. Frank lives with me, and Frank's wife lives with another man and has a second child by yet another guy.

My problem is, Frank's wife calls me whenever she has a fight with her boyfriend. She confides in me like I'm her best friend. I have never talked to Frank about divorcing her, but I'm at my wit's end over this whole circle. Sometimes I feel like I'm wasting my time with him. Abby, I'm a longtime reader who needs to find a solution to this soap opera. Please help me. -- GETTING DIZZY IN EAST BOSTON

DEAR GETTING DIZZY: You need to talk to Frank about his degree of commitment to you. Two years is a long time to live with someone who's married to someone else -- let alone be trying to solve his wife's love problems. Perhaps it's time to distance yourself from both of them and figure out what you want to do for you.

DEAR ABBY: My friend "Maggie" is getting a divorce. She has been living with my husband and me for four months. She pays one-third of our utility bill but pays no rent.

My husband feels that since Maggie is living with us, she should pay something -- even if it's only $100 a month. She's a lifelong friend, and I don't know what to do. Maggie is very upset over her messy divorce. Should I ask her for rent money? (I don't want to fight over this with my husband.) -- ONLY FRIEND IN KENTUCKY

DEAR ONLY FRIEND: It depends on Maggie's financial circumstances. If she has the money, it's certainly OK to ask. If she doesn't have the resources -- or a job -- she should consider finding one so she's not completely financially dependent on others.

DEAR ABBY: Recently my husband, "Byron," and I had an argument, and he took off in his truck. He didn't return until after work the following day. He had he spent the night at our friend "Arlene's" house. She is divorced and lives alone.

Byron assures me "nothing happened" between them. I want to believe him, but ever since this incident, Arlene will not look me in the eye or speak to me.

I love Byron and trusted him until now. It hurts to think that our marriage may be ruined over a stupid argument. I know he was intoxicated, but why did he choose to go to her home? -- BROKEN-HEARTED IN WYOMING

DEAR BROKEN-HEARTED: He chose to go to her home (even drunk as a skunk) because he knew he would be welcomed. It's also the reason Arlene can't look you in the eye. Marriage counseling for you and Byron may help you put this to rest. If he refuses to go with you, go without him.

P.S. It appears Arlene has an agenda of her own -- and Byron may be one of the items on it. You'd be wise to delete her from your list of friends.

DEAR ABBY: I have always been touched by the acts of kindness stories in your column. When I was 20, I went into New York City to attend classes. Upon my arrival, I was mugged in the bus station. It was rush hour and I was too scared to scream.

After the mugger ran off, I picked up the few belongings that had fallen out of my handbag, walked across the street and down the stairs to the subway. It was then I realized I had no money to buy a token. I started crying and couldn't stop.

A middle-aged woman with a friendly smile arrived and stayed at my side until the authorities arrived. She calmed me down and wouldn't leave until she knew I was in safe hands. Before she left, she slipped some money into my pocket.

After Sept. 11, I heard people say how "surprised" they were that New Yorkers "came together." Not me, Abby. I have known since the day I was mugged that there are only a few bad apples in the Big Apple. I hope my good Samaritan will see your column and realize what her compassion and generosity meant to me that day and ever since. -- STILL COMMUTING IN NYC

DEAR STILL COMMUTING: Thanks for an upper of a letter, which proves that kindheartedness is universal -- and not limited to any one area of the map.

DEAR ABBY: Please help me and thousands of other payroll administrators with a public service message. I will be sending out W-2s this month to current and former employees. Last year, I got back about 10 percent of these W-2s because employees have moved and left no forwarding addresses. Often the phone has also been disconnected.

Please remind anyone who has changed jobs and moved in the past year to make sure their former employer has their new address so their W-2 will arrive on the first try. I have a stack of these forms that have never been claimed by former employees and no idea how to contact them. -- PAYROLL ADMINISTRATOR, FORT PAYNE, ALA.

DEAR ADMINISTRATOR: I'm pleased to pass along your message. The W-2 is proof the government needs to verify what someone has been paid and what has been withheld by the employer. Employers are required to provide one.