DEAR ABBY: I am 21 and I have an anger problem. Sometimes when my friends, roommates or my boyfriend do something that annoys me, I feel so mad that I can't concentrate on anything I have to get done.

I'm having that problem right now because one of my roommates was mean to me tonight. I think I'm owed an apology, but I know I won't be getting one. I can't talk to her. I know if I do I'll just feel worse and we won't get anywhere. I can't even concentrate on writing my paper because I'm so ticked off!

Is it normal to get this mad? How can I control my anger better? Taking a deep breath and counting to 10 just makes me feel angrier. I'd feel better if I punched the wall, but the last time I did that I bruised my fist. Do you have any guidelines? -- CONSUMED BY ANGER IN HERNDON, VA.

DEAR CONSUMED BY ANGER: Anger is a normal emotion. Everybody has experienced it at one time or another. Most people have been trained to suppress anger from early childhood. But it's even more important to learn to express anger in ways that are constructive rather than destructive. Punching a wall falls into the latter category and can result in injury to you and possibly the wall, as you found out.

If it is channeled in the right direction, anger can be a positive emotion. Uncontrolled, or suppressed, it can be extremely harmful and even a killer. The challenge that everyone faces is how not to deny the feeling but to express the anger -- or diffuse it -- in ways that are productive.

In a situation like yours, saying out loud in a controlled manner that something has made you angry can be like releasing steam from a pressure cooker. It's certainly more productive than making a bullying gesture; hitting a wall with your fist implies that the next punch might land on the person who pushed your buttons. In my booklet "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It," I offer many suggestions that can help you manage your emotions in a more constructive way. It can be ordered by sending your name and mailing address, plus a check or money order for $7 (U.S. funds), to Dear Abby -- Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. Shipping and handling are included in the price. Please understand how important it is that you learn to manage and channel your emotions more constructively than you currently do.

Step one in managing your anger is to recognize that the emotion is building before you lose control or become so angry that you can't concentrate on what is most important right now -- and that is your academic studies. I know that if you learn to manage and control your anger, you will benefit greatly as you move forward in life. I have faith in you!

DEAR ABBY: If a couple has been dating for a long time and are sexually active, do you think he has a right to have sex with her while she's sleeping? My sister and I disagree about this. I feel it's abuse. My sister isn't quite sure what to think. -- CATHY IN KINGSTON, N.Y.

DEAR CATHY: If someone has sex with you without your consent, it isn't abuse. It is rape.

P.S. If the boyfriend in question is so inept at lovemaking that his partner snores right through it, then it seems to me that only the boyfriend is sexually "active."

DEAR ABBY: I would like to respond to "Still Grieving in Arkansas" (Nov. 20), who was upset that he didn't get a response to a note he sent to his wife's treating physician after her death.

As an RN, my mom had a tendency to become very close to patients who required long-term care in the hospital. It seemed that she never had any "emotional detachment" from her patients, but instead formed an "emotional attachment."

I recall many times during the convalescence or death of these patients, Mom would come home from work and go to bed and cry from her own bereavement. As her son, I grieved, too, because it hurt me to see Mom hurting. As a young child, my father, siblings and I could have done without these periods of unnecessary emotional pain.

Therefore, Dear Abby, I think you were right to say, "Please forgive them" when doctors and nurses don't exhibit public remorse during times of grief. -- RN'S SON IN GEORGIA

DEAR RN'S SON: Thank you for describing your mother's response to a patient's passing and how it affected the family. However, I also heard from many health care providers who said that it is their duty to acknowledge the passing of one of their patients, and it should be considered part of the healing process for both the patient's family and the health care provider. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I am a hematologist-oncologist. I try to send a sympathy card to each family after the death of their relative. If I receive a note or a copy of an obituary, I try to call the person to thank them for taking the time to contact me.

After seeing "Grieving's" letter, I took an informal poll of my colleagues and was gratified that many do send notes. I was surprised that some do not extend sympathies. After hearing it, I encouraged them all to do so. It's the least we can do to promote healing among the survivors. -- OHIO ONCOLOGIST

DEAR ABBY: I am a retired medical oncologist. Early in my career, a grieving patient's husband berated me for not contacting the family after his wife died. It was then that I realized that despite my excellent care, the family needed something more -- closure. For 30 years, until I retired, I sent a personal sympathy card and message to each family concerning their loss. Sharing these thoughts also gave me closure. -- DOCTOR JACK IN ARIZONA

DEAR ABBY: Please let "Grieving" know that one reason the health care professionals did not acknowledge his wife's death may have been they were instructed by the hospital/treatment center not to. In this day and age, when doctors are sued for malpractice, these types of sympathy notes can be used in court. -- YVONNE IN AMSTERDAM, NETHERLANDS

DEAR ABBY: I am at an age when I have lost many family members. Not once has the doctor sent a condolence card or letter to any family member. On the other hand, I have also lost many pets. Each time, the veterinarian sent a card or note, personally signed and often with the signatures of the entire office staff. I do not believe medical doctors care less for their patients than veterinary doctors care for family pets, but that vets have made sending condolences part of their office protocol. Medical doctors might well consider adding that protocol to their practices. -- MARY IN VIRGINIA

DEAR ABBY: During the late 1950s I was married to the prettiest girl I ever set eyes on. "Jenny" and I were in our early 20s and naive. Back then, it wasn't considered "manly" to talk over anything that might be bothering you, so there was little to no communication. Consequently, we weren't able to meet each other's emotional or sexual needs. After 18 years and two sons, we divorced.

Thirty-five years later, divine providence intervened and our paths have crossed again. Jenny and I are now talking, laughing, crying and loving together. Abby, please remind your readers that if they are having problems in their marriage to sit down and talk things over, with a counselor if necessary. Because we couldn't do that, we lost 35 years of good times.

We now see that neither of us ever lost that strong love we had for each other. She is still the prettiest grandmother I have ever laid eyes on. I never stopped loving her, and we have never been as happy as we are now. -- OLDER BUT WISER IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR OLDER BUT WISER: What you lost so many years ago you and Jenny have gained in life experience. Communication is the key to successful relationships, and I'm pleased that you have achieved it now. Your letter is an important one, and I hope my readers will take it to heart. May you both enjoy many more happy years together.

DEAR ABBY: How does one send a thank-you note for a really, really bad "re-gift"? This Christmas I received a battered box with old, wrinkled, ripped tissue paper thrown in with a couple of items that appeared to be part of another gift. It looked like a food gift basket had been divided and piecemealed out to make more gifts.

It is hurtful and insulting to be on the receiving end of something that's not even "giftworthy." I say, why bother at all. Please advise. -- ANONY-MISS OUT WEST

DEAR ANONY-MISS: The person may have felt obligated to give you something and been strapped for money for gifts. A gracious way to respond would be to thank the individual for thinking of you at such a meaningful time as Christmas. You do not have to lie and say the gift was "fabulous."

DEAR ABBY: I work in an office with a woman who is a grandmother. She's very sweet but tends to get sick several times a year. As the mother of younger children, I have learned the "new school rules" on illness, like coughing or sneezing into your arm instead of your hand in an effort not to spread germs.

It seems my co-worker never got that memo, and I can't think of a tactful way to spread the message. Because cold and flu season is here, could you remind all your readers that this is a good preventative measure to reduce the spread of germs. Thanks! -- TRYING TO STAY HEALTHY IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR TRYING: Consider it done. However, a tactful way to get the word out would be to ask your boss or your supervisor to send a memo around the office -- and provide anti-bacterial wipes so that shared equipment and door and cabinet knobs can be sanitized after a sick employee uses them.

DEAR READERS: Today we remember the Rev. Martin Luther King Jr., who was martyred in the cause of civil rights in 1968. His words ring as true today as when he first uttered them: "We must accept finite disappointment, but we must never lose infinite hope." His was a voice of reason in a time of insanity, silenced too soon.