DEAR ABBY: I am the single mother of identical twin boys. They insist on dressing alike and use their own secret language. I have always had trouble telling them apart. When they were young, it was cute, but as they are growing older I'm starting to worry.

They're 12. When they oversleep, they shower together to save time. Their teacher took me aside during a conference and said they seem to be overly affectionate with each other and might benefit from some time with a masculine role model. When I questioned her, she said there is gossip that they were seen touching and possibly even kissing.

My research has brought up the idea of "twincest," and I am worried my boys may be falling into these habits. How would you suggest making them stop? Everyone keeps suggesting separation, but they share a room and I don't have another one or the money to build one. Help! -- MOM WITH TWO MUCH TROUBLE

DEAR MOM: You obviously love your boys, but please stop worrying. According to David Baron, M.D. -- an internationally respected psychiatrist at the University of Southern California -- at this point one of the most harmful things you could do is to blow this out of proportion. Twins have a special bond. They feel safer with each other than with their peers. If this persists, consult a therapist, for your peace of mind if nothing else. But please do not jump the gun because of gossip.

DEAR ABBY: I wear dentures. I have never gone out in public without them. However, I have seen people I know take them out in restaurants, etc. It is not only awful to look at, but don't they realize how they look? Am I shallow for not wanting anyone to see me without my "smile"? Is there some social etiquette that's being broken? -- TOOTHLESS IN COLORADO

DEAR TOOTHLESS: Of course there is. The active word here is "discretion." If a dental appliance is ill-fitting and uncomfortable, it should not be left on the table or displayed like a goldfish in a glass of water for all to admire. And need I add that a trip to the dentist should be scheduled ASAP to remedy the problem?

DEAR ABBY: I'm a college student and still live with my parents. My two older sisters moved out years ago. I never asked them why, but I'm sure it's because our father is emotionally abusive. He talks down to us and makes us feel inadequate.

He has belittled my mother for years, to the point that she doesn't bother arguing with him anymore. She used to play music all the time, but she's now afraid to "bother anybody." I can honestly say I never loved my father, and I wish Mom had divorced him years ago.

The few times I have tried to talk to him, he overreacted and accused me of being a drama queen who blows things out of proportion. He's almost 60 but has the emotional depth of a spoiled, angry 12-year-old. How can I convince Mom that leaving him will do her more good than harm? -- NO LOVE FOR DAD IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR NO LOVE FOR DAD: You can't do that unless you fully understand her reasons for staying with your father. Women stay with abusive men for various reasons. Some of them do it because they are so emotionally beaten down they think they have no other choice. Some stay because they are financially dependent, and others do it because they are afraid of being alone. She may be biding her time until you are out of the house, or she may love your father.

DEAR ABBY: I am a woman in my early 20s and in my first serious relationship. I adore "Paul." We have a wonderful, respectful relationship. One day I hope we'll be married.

I feel strongly that we should not live together before we are married. He disagrees. He feels couples need to know each other's habits fully before they make a lifelong commitment.

I understand the financial and emotional convenience of sharing a home with your loved one. However, I believe that marriage changes a living dynamic whether you have lived together or not. Conflicts that arise post-marriage can be faced with a greater sense of resolve, knowing that a formal commitment has been made.

Abby, what's your take on this? Should couples live together before marriage? I don't want to be stubborn and say I'll never live with anyone before getting married, because I know it's a very common thing to do. What can I say to Paul and friends who disagree with me to defend my "old-fashioned" logic? -- TRADITIONALIST IN CHICAGO

DEAR TRADITIONALIST: I don't think you should argue with them on the subject at all. Just say that although many couples live together today without marriage, you aren't comfortable with it. You are not the only person who feels this way. Many people with strong religious convictions feel the way you do about it. In my opinion, this is something that couples should work out between themselves.

DEAR ABBY: My next-door neighbor "Rod" and I work at the same place, about 10 miles from our homes. He has a medical condition that prevents him from driving. Until recently, he took the bus, but that route was stopped, so he now relies on his wife for transportation every day. She works and also takes care of their three kids.

Last summer, I drove Rod for a while, but he was a terrible carpool companion. He was perpetually late, and I'd have to wait for him in the morning and after work. He would brag nonstop about how good he is at his job, and then want to stand around in our driveway chatting instead of just going inside.

He never offered to pay for gas or compensate me in any way, and seemed unable to find other arrangements when I had to work late or run errands after work, which made me feel trapped in his schedule. I finally got tired of the hassle and made an excuse to stop driving him.

There is no real reason I can't take him now except that he was such a pain in the you-know-what that I don't want to. But I feel guilty when I see his wife loading up all their kids to make the drive.

What's the right thing to do? We may be neighbors for a very long time. -- KIND COMMUTER IN MADISON, WIS.

DEAR KIND COMMUTER: I recognize your generosity in extending yourself to your co-worker, who apparently never learned the basics of carpool etiquette. Because you got nothing positive out of driving him, I do not recommend you start again. However, if you would like to do his wife a favor, see if there are transportation services for people with disabilities in your city, and if there are, give that information to her.

DEAR ABBY: I am 21 and I have an anger problem. Sometimes when my friends, roommates or my boyfriend do something that annoys me, I feel so mad that I can't concentrate on anything I have to get done.

I'm having that problem right now because one of my roommates was mean to me tonight. I think I'm owed an apology, but I know I won't be getting one. I can't talk to her. I know if I do I'll just feel worse and we won't get anywhere. I can't even concentrate on writing my paper because I'm so ticked off!

Is it normal to get this mad? How can I control my anger better? Taking a deep breath and counting to 10 just makes me feel angrier. I'd feel better if I punched the wall, but the last time I did that I bruised my fist. Do you have any guidelines? -- CONSUMED BY ANGER IN HERNDON, VA.

DEAR CONSUMED BY ANGER: Anger is a normal emotion. Everybody has experienced it at one time or another. Most people have been trained to suppress anger from early childhood. But it's even more important to learn to express anger in ways that are constructive rather than destructive. Punching a wall falls into the latter category and can result in injury to you and possibly the wall, as you found out.

If it is channeled in the right direction, anger can be a positive emotion. Uncontrolled, or suppressed, it can be extremely harmful and even a killer. The challenge that everyone faces is how not to deny the feeling but to express the anger -- or diffuse it -- in ways that are productive.

In a situation like yours, saying out loud in a controlled manner that something has made you angry can be like releasing steam from a pressure cooker. It's certainly more productive than making a bullying gesture; hitting a wall with your fist implies that the next punch might land on the person who pushed your buttons. In my booklet "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It," I offer many suggestions that can help you manage your emotions in a more constructive way. It can be ordered by sending your name and mailing address, plus a check or money order for $7 (U.S. funds), to Dear Abby -- Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. Shipping and handling are included in the price. Please understand how important it is that you learn to manage and channel your emotions more constructively than you currently do.

Step one in managing your anger is to recognize that the emotion is building before you lose control or become so angry that you can't concentrate on what is most important right now -- and that is your academic studies. I know that if you learn to manage and control your anger, you will benefit greatly as you move forward in life. I have faith in you!

DEAR ABBY: If a couple has been dating for a long time and are sexually active, do you think he has a right to have sex with her while she's sleeping? My sister and I disagree about this. I feel it's abuse. My sister isn't quite sure what to think. -- CATHY IN KINGSTON, N.Y.

DEAR CATHY: If someone has sex with you without your consent, it isn't abuse. It is rape.

P.S. If the boyfriend in question is so inept at lovemaking that his partner snores right through it, then it seems to me that only the boyfriend is sexually "active."