DEAR ABBY: Do women ever initiate sex with men, or must they always be wooed, cajoled, begged or persuaded? I have a fairly good physical relationship with my wife, but it happens only when I make the overtures. I am left with the conclusion that either the physical act isn't that enjoyable or I am not very desirable.

If every encounter must start with me, and my wife can take it or leave it, is she just doing me a favor? Must sex always start with the guy, or can women demonstrate more overt interest? -- UNDERSEXED IN OHIO

DEAR UNDERSEXED: Many women -- but not all -- initiate sex with their partner. If your wife doesn't, it may be she isn't comfortable being the aggressor, her hormone levels have changed, sex may have become painful for her, or she never got much out of it in the first place.

Not knowing her, I can't explain why she never makes the first move. But this I am sure of -- until you have a frank and honest discussion with her about it, nothing is going to change, and it may need to happen with the help of a marriage counselor.

DEAR ABBY: I have been married to "Richard" for three years, but we have lived together for 10. I was Richard's first and only girlfriend. He's very shy and reserved, while I have always been the outgoing, rebellious type.

I have been communicating with another man, "Drew," for about a year. It started out as me just having a little fun, but now I'm seriously considering leaving Richard. Although Drew and I have never met in person, we're romantically involved and both of us believe we're in love.

I love Richard, but I just don't feel "in love" anymore. We have lost our connection. We have talked about our communication problems, and he knows about Drew. Despite my explaining what the problems were, I feel he has ignored the issues.

We have been trying to get pregnant for years and it hasn't happened. I'm starting to believe it is a sign that I should move on. Should I follow my heart and be with Drew or stay with Richard despite my feelings? Please help. -- DISTRAUGHT IN TEXAS

DEAR DISTRAUGHT: I'm willing to wager that if you devoted just a fraction of the energy you have spent on your extracurricular relationship to your husband, your marriage would be in better shape. With the help of a marriage counselor you might even be able to address those issues you feel have been ignored and re-establish your "connection."

But for you to throw away your marriage for someone you haven't met in person would be a serious mistake. Be glad that you haven't gotten pregnant and dragged a child into this. It would have broken your husband's heart, not only because you abandoned him but also because he would have been separated from the child he loved.

DEAR ABBY: A year ago I gave my brother-in-law a framed print that had belonged to my late husband. Some time afterward, out of curiosity, I researched it and found that it is worth far more than I realized -- several thousand dollars.

I haven't mentioned this to my brother-in-law. I would never ask for the print back, but would it be OK to let him know the value and mention that if he ever decides not to keep it, I might like it returned? (I would sell it and put the money in my daughter's college fund.) -- GAVE MORE THAN I THOUGHT

DEAR GAVE: Level with your brother-in-law about having researched the print and ask him to return it. When you do, tell him you need the money for your daughter's college fund. Offer to exchange it for an item with sentimental value. Honesty is the best policy, and he may agree.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 29-year-old man with a criminal record. I got involved in some fraud and embezzlement rings when I was in my early 20s, and served nine months before being released on parole.

Since then I have moved in with my mother, found a job, and I'm trying to be the man I know I'm capable of being. I have reached the point where I'd like to begin dating again.

The problem is, I don't know when the time is right to bring up my past. If I wait too long, my name is mud for not saying anything sooner. I want to do the right thing so I can stay on the right path. Can you help me? -- A BETTER MAN IN NEW YORK

DEAR BETTER MAN: I agree that the chapter of your life in which you were in prison is not something you should reveal on a first date. But do raise the subject around the fourth date, because by then the woman will have had a chance to get to know you.

When you bring it up, make it clear that you didn't go to jail for a violent crime and you're not on any offenders' list. If she likes you, she'll hear you out and understand that you don't plan to repeat your past mistakes. Men who have served their time can go on to lead successful lives, and tell her that you plan to be one of them.

DEAR ABBY: I am blessed with two beautiful daughters. One is 13; the other is 4 months old. For 11 years my 13-year-old, "Lily," was my life. I had dated, but they were all Mr. Wrongs.

Two years ago I finally met a wonderful man, "Kevin." He is good to me, and he and Lily get along to a point, but he's shy and doesn't talk much. Kevin moved in with us a few months after I found out I was pregnant.

I try to include Lily in our new family, but she feels left out. She stays in her room and doesn't have much to do with Kevin. She wouldn't go with me to the baby's doctor appointments and pretty much ignores her new baby sister. I have told myself she'll come around, but it hasn't happened.

What can I do to assure Lily that I love her as much as I always have? I want our family to be happy. I hope to eventually marry Kevin. Lily's dad isn't very involved in her life. Every time I try to include Lily, she gets mad and says she doesn't want to do the family functions. Help, please. -- WEST VIRGINIA MOM

DEAR MOM: Thirteen can be a difficult age and your work is cut out for you. You will have to be more proactive in order to make this arrangement function more like a family. Kevin may be shy, but he should be encouraged to make more of an effort to get to know Lily. As the adult, it is his job to break the ice and find something in common with her.

Also, Lily should not be allowed to hide out in her room and not participate in any activities. If you permit the status quo to continue, at some point she will start looking for a place where she feels she "belongs" in a situation beyond your control or supervision. If you are out of ideas on how to get your daughter to cooperate, then involve a family therapist to help you through the roadblocks.

DEAR ABBY: Although I love my 7-year-old daughter, "Emma," I do not "like" her. It's because I dislike my ex-husband, "Scott," so much. He was verbally and emotionally abusive and left me while I was pregnant. The experience left me hurt and humiliated, and I continue to harbor resentment toward him.

I'm happily remarried now, but Emma is a constant reminder of my bad marriage. I feel she's selfish, rude, lazy and disrespectful -- characteristics Scott possesses. I have little tolerance for her behavior and I'm hard on her. Sometimes I feel like I'm talking to him instead of to a little girl.

I have seen several therapists, but nobody has been able to help. I have been told, "Your child isn't your ex so you need to get over it!"

Compounding the problem is the daughter I have with my second husband, a little girl I adore beyond words. She's sweet, kind, friendly and essentially the opposite of Emma. I love this child more than I love Emma, and I'm disgusted with myself for feeling this way. It was Scott who hurt me, but I can't get past the hurt. Abby, what can I do? -- DISTRESSED IN MASSACHUSETTS

DEAR DISTRESSED: Try harder to rebuild the bond you didn't form with Emma when she was born because of your anger at her father. It can still be done, but it will take work on your part. Emma's behavior may be the result of how you have treated her, and if you can change, so may she. I'll share with you a letter I printed several years ago from another mother who shared your problem:

"DEAR ABBY: The best advice I ever received for coping with my contrary daughter was from a neighbor who had a surly girl of her own. She made a conscientious effort to be more demonstrative to her daughter, hug her more and hold on a little tighter to show her how valued she was.

"I tried it with my daughter, going out of my way several times a day to express my love for her. It was awkward at first, but I persevered. I committed myself to loving that unlovable being, and slowly but surely it paid off. At first, she would lean away, but eventually she would ask me to hold on 'just one more minute.'

"My daughter is 24 now and on her own. Her life isn't what I would have hoped for or expected, but that's OK. I'm her touchstone for love and acceptance. I can't imagine my life without her. -- ANOTHER MOM IN CALIFORNIA"

Emma may be a difficult child, but she's not stupid. She sees the difference between how you react to her half-sister and the way you treat her. A first step for you would be to apologize to her, put your arms around her and tell her that from now on you will try to do better as a mother. Emma didn't ask to be born, and you owe her that.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married 10 years. We didn't have a wedding. Instead, we went to the courthouse -- just the two of us with a couple of witnesses -- and had a small reception a few months later.

Having been a part of some very nice weddings recently, I mentioned to my husband that I wished we would have done something more special for our wedding. Now he wants to renew our vows with a huge wedding ceremony. Would it be appropriate to have a big ceremony now? -- WONDERING IN IOWA

DEAR WONDERING: I think it's a wonderful idea. Ten years of wedded bliss is something to celebrate, and I see no reason why you shouldn't do it with the ceremony of your dreams. Other couples have done it, and so can you.