DEAR ABBY: I have enjoyed a good life. I have served my community. I have a wonderful wife, great children and good friends. However, it now appears that the disease that has been kept at bay has progressed, and soon my days will end. I have accepted my impending death as best one can, and let few people know of it.

I would like to thank all the wonderful people who have been an important part of my life over the years, and I'm wondering how that might be accomplished. I do not want to make them sad or receive condolences. I simply want them to know they were an important part of my life for which I am truly grateful.

I considered a party, but wondered if that might seem morbid. Letters seem too distant, and phone calls would be hard on me.

While my death sentence is firm, and it will be soon, the exact date is impossible to know. Few of these people are aware that I am seriously ill, although I have been hospitalized many times.

Can you give me some suggestions to show my appreciation? -- ON THE WAY OUT IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR ON THE WAY OUT: While goodbyes can be sad, your farewell party need not be morbid -- particularly if you and your wife make it a celebration of life and let your guests know it in advance. If you're afraid that saying what's in your heart to each person individually will be emotionally draining, then deliver a speech or videotape one to be played at the event.

While reading your letter, I am reminded of a friend, Judith, whom I lost several years ago. Judith had battled cancer for 12 years. After she had completed yet another round of chemo, some of her women friends gathered for a potluck luncheon at her place. The wine was poured and we all glanced at each other, worried that toasting "health" might seem inappropriate. Sensing the hesitation, Judy raised her glass and announced, "To life!" And that, my friend, is exactly what your party should be all about.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a sixth-grade girl with a group of friends I like. The problem is some of them constantly put themselves down. It's annoying to hear, "My hair is so messed up," "I failed that quiz" (they got a B), "My paper is so bad" or "I'm so ugly." None of these things are true.

I know people put themselves down so that others will reassure them that they're fine. But I'm getting tired of hearing these complaints. I have told them to stop acting this way, but it doesn't work. How can I get my friends to stop complaining about themselves so much? -- TIRED OF HEARING IT IN BOULDER, COLO.

DEAR TIRED OF HEARING IT: You can't, so be patient with them because you appear to be more emotionally mature and self-confident than they are. At 12, which I assume most of your friends are, it is not unusual for girls to become sensitive about their changing bodies, and some of their insecurity may be hormonal. That's why they're looking to others for reassurance, so please don't be stingy.

DEAR ABBY: When my 9-month-old grandson, "Eli," comes to visit, I become frustrated to the point of leaving the room, if not my house. Not only must we put away things he shouldn't get into, we must tape shut every drawer and cabinet, block access behind couches and chairs to keep Eli from electrical cords, then constantly be on guard for the "unexpected."

Eli is never restricted in any way, and would never be confined to an "inhumane" playpen for even a few minutes. At the slightest whimper, he is picked up. He's walked to sleep (or taken on car rides to "soothe" him), and his parents literally run to him whenever he awakens.

I'm reluctant to criticize because I know they'll be offended, but I'm aching to suggest they teach the child about limits and restrictions and correct him when he misbehaves. Let him experience being in his playpen or even allow him to whine a little before jumping at his every whim. We're not allowed to say "no-no" -- the preferred response being to distract Eli and let him go about doing as he pleases. By the way, both parents are professional psycho-babble people.

Am I unreasonable to think my grandson is capable of learning limits with a simple "no-no" and, perhaps, a little smack on his hand? Or should I keep my mouth shut? -- WELL-MEANING GRANDPA

DEAR GRANDPA: Well-meaning as you are, I doubt that you will be able to convince two "professional psycho-babble people" that by not giving their little one limits, they're creating a monster. Rather than allow his visits to upset you, I suggest you visit this family in their own home.

DEAR ABBY: I am shocked at the rude treatment I see many older mothers receive from their children. I spend considerable time at various doctor appointments. Fortunately, I can drive myself, but many senior women must depend on their caregivers -- often their daughters -- who treat them badly. I can't help but wonder how they treat their mothers in private since they are so insensitive in public.

I'm grateful to have a daughter who puts up with my occasional crankiness and complaints. She loves me unconditionally and takes wonderful care of me when needed.

I'd like to ask sons and daughters to be kinder and more patient with their elderly moms. They won't be around forever. -- GRATEFUL MOM IN PHOENIX

DEAR GRATEFUL: I wish you had described more clearly the interactions you observed. What you saw may not have been a lack of devotion to their mothers, but signs of caregiver stress or burnout.

Daughters (and sons) caught in the sandwich generation -- earning a living and caring for their children as well as their aged parents -- are not always at their best. However, you are correct. These frail, elderly parents need compassion and patience because they won't be around forever.

DEAR ABBY: A question was recently raised at a family gathering. If the patriarch of a family is deceased and a man wants to marry his daughter, should he ask permission from her mother? -- CURIOUS IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR CURIOUS: It would be a lovely, respectful gesture if he did. But first he should be 100 percent certain that the daughter would like to marry him.

DEAR ABBY: Thank you for the compassion you showed "Wants to Be a Mom" (Nov. 24), the 15-year-old girl considering motherhood with her almost 18-year-old boyfriend. Having lost her dad at an early age and having a mother who prefers drugs over her daughter, must have made this young lady feel very unwanted. I understand why she might think a baby would give her the love she's missing.

I applaud you for not judging her, but instead kindly helping her to understand the consequences of her potential actions. I wish her the best and hope she'll have the wisdom to realize how important an education will be for her future. With luck, in a few years she'll be a young adult ready to assume the responsibilities of being a parent. -- LINDA IN MICHIGAN

DEAR LINDA: "Wants" was smart to write for advice before acting on impulse. She deserved a thoughtful response and not just a reprimand. Readers had much to say about her letter:

DEAR ABBY: At 15, I had the first of my five daughters. By the time I was 20 I was raising the babies by myself. Would I do it all over again? Not in this lifetime!

"Wants," your boyfriend is immature. He should finish school and get a job before thinking about children. You are only 15 and have your best years ahead. One thing that never crossed my mind was how I would be able to support my child without an education. I learned the hard way.

If you and your grandma aren't getting along, it's up to you to change your attitude. Grandma has more experience than you do in this world. Listening to her will help you avoid many of the pitfalls that I went through, and that you face presently. -- WAS THERE ONCE IN WASHINGTON

DEAR ABBY: I had my first child at 21, and while I love my son there are times I wish I would have waited a while. I missed out on college and figuring out who I was and what I wanted to do. My son and daughter turned out to have special needs, so my life has been busy taking care of them. Please tell that teen that having a baby is not at all like it is in TV commercials. -- MARIA IN ILLINOIS

DEAR ABBY: A mentor to teen boys told me that some of them deliberately try to impregnate girls so they'll have a "trophy" of how manly and virile they are. The more babies they help conceive, especially without having to be responsible for them, the more bragging can go on in the locker room. Every parent needs to know this behavior is going on. Some of these boys have punched holes in condoms and convinced a reticent girl to have sex -- then laughed at her and dumped her when she became pregnant. -- NURSING SCHOOL STUDENT IN WISCONSIN

DEAR ABBY: That 15-year-old's boyfriend's desire for her to have a baby seems like a control issue to me, and it will set the tone for their relationship. She needs to say no or she will most likely be under his power for the foreseeable future. I have seen this happen too many times with high school girls. -- FORMER TEACHER IN THE NORTHWEST

DEAR ABBY: Some states will accuse the young man of statutory rape, and he could end up in jail and be branded a sex offender for life. And the girl will wind up with a baby, no education and no husband to help her. Children have no business having children. -- FLORIDA READER

DEAR ABBY: Tell that girl and her boyfriend that if they want a baby, they must support that baby on their own. Those of us who are working and raising families are tired of entitlements the young ones count on for support. Life is hard. It's expensive. And it is about more than what you "want" on a whim. -- KATHY IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR ABBY: Please tell her to visit Planned Parenthood. It promotes responsible parenting and healthy sexuality. I checked its website and there's an office in Blacksburg, Va., not far from where she lives. My best to her. -- SOMEONE WHO CARES IN NEW YORK