DEAR ABBY: I have lived in an abusive marriage for 11 years. Now, when I have finally mustered the courage to leave, everybody says I must stay "for the children" as he is a "changed man."

I no longer love him and he refuses to give me a divorce. He also refuses to admit there is anything wrong in the marriage and says I'm exaggerating everything.

I have tried counseling and therapy alone because he refused to join me. I do not want my four children to be affected by my choice and wish for a mutual discussion, but he doesn't want to discuss divorce. I am afraid to stay and afraid to leave. I have no support system here. -- WANTS OUT IN ILLINOIS

DEAR WANTS OUT: After 11 years of abuse and counseling and therapy alone because your husband would not accompany you, his wishes should no longer affect your decision. Pick up the phone and contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline, 800-799-7233. That's the place to find information about how to form an escape plan for yourself and your children. Whether your husband is willing to discuss divorce or not, he cannot force you to remain married to him. An attorney can help you with the process once you are out of there.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 23-year-old woman with a university degree, a fulfilling job, downtown apartment and a busy social life. I am also heavily tattooed. My tattoos bring me a great deal of happiness. I work in a field where visible tattoos are acceptable, and I'm very good at covering them when necessary.

My problem is how to politely deal with strangers who criticize my tattoos when I'm out in public. I have been told I have "ruined" myself, that I have no future, that I'll never find a husband, that I am ugly, an insult to women and trashy. I do not dress scantily and, in my opinion, these comments are uncalled for.

I usually tell people that I am affecting only myself and that I'm happy, but this usually results in scoffs or more rude remarks. Part of me wants to be rude back because I am offended. What should I say the next time I am inevitably picked on? -- INKED AND IRKED IN CALGARY, CANADA

DEAR INKED AND IRKED: I printed a letter last spring about a Canadian woman who insisted that people north of the border are nicer than people in the U.S.A. Your letter shows that's not necessarily the case. The next time someone makes an unkind remark about your body art, look the person in the eye and say, "That you would say something so hurtful to me shows you are uglier on the inside than you think I am on the outside."

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend and I have been dating for 11 months. He's 18 and I'm 17. Every date we go on is initiated and planned by me. For once, I'd like to be surprised and swept off my feet by his actually planning a date. I don't know how to go about this. I want to tell him without hurting his feelings. -- GETTING A LITTLE BORED IN QUAKERTOWN, PA.

DEAR GETTING A LITTLE BORED: The basis for a successful relationship is communication. While I don't advise you to tell your boyfriend that you're "getting a little bored," I do think it would be helpful to express that you'd like him to plan your dates once or twice a month so you don't have to do all the work in maintaining the relationship. That's not hurtful; it's truthful.

DEAR ABBY: Please use your wide reach to educate well-meaning parents about how their children should behave when visiting cemeteries. I'm a funeral professional who takes pride in helping families honor their heritage and transition from grief to recovery. I especially enjoy helping to allay children's fears about death and cemeteries.

Often parents allow their children to roam the cemetery as if it were a playground or public park. I have seen kids pull up expensive flowers on other graves and "take them to Mommy." Naturally, the family who bought the flowers come back a few days later and accuses us of trashing them.

I have seen mourners leave precious personal mementos on their loved ones' graves only for kids to take them as playthings. I have seen kids deface grave markers, entertain themselves by bouncing rocks off headstones or open up brass and bronze cameos, exposing the photos to the elements.

The worst is unsupervised kids running off in packs and gathering up the little colored flags that are placed to assure a grave gets dug and set up in time for a pending service. Imagine flying in for the burial of a loved one and the grave isn't ready because some child grabbed the marking flag while the parents stood idly by. Cemetery employees have been fired for this.

Parents, please teach your children that their natural curiosity and playfulness should find their outlet in more appropriate settings. And please, keep your dogs at home. You wouldn't want a stranger's dog doing his business on your expensive marker or loved one's grave, would you? -- THE LAST PERSON TO LET YOU DOWN IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR LAST PERSON TO LET YOU DOWN: I'm happy to spread the word.

Folks, if your children are too young to understand when you tell them the cemetery isn't a playground, that they must remain quiet, respectful and not touch other people's property, then they should not be present at the burial. When entering or leaving the cemetery, children and adults should refrain from walking on the graves. Ditto for using it as a dog park.

The Golden Rule applies here: Don't do unto others what you wouldn't want them to do onto you.

DEAR ABBY: When I married, I moved away to another state and made some great new friends where I live now. My family visits every few months and I recently started including some of my friends in my family gatherings and bringing some of them home with me when my husband and I go to visit.

I recently found out that my family has been inviting my friends for weekend getaways and camping trips. They even invited my friends to spend the last long holiday weekend with them -- without inviting me!

I was hurt and offended when I found out. I have nothing against my family and friends getting along, but I always thought I'd be included. Am I overreacting? -- EXCLUDED IN ROCHESTER, N.Y.

DEAR EXCLUDED: Perhaps. Not knowing your friends or family members, I can only guess that when you introduced them they may have found some interest in common that you don't necessarily share. But don't waste time on hurt feelings or pouting because you don't own your friends, and what your relatives choose to do with their time is out of your control.

DEAR ABBY: It bothers me greatly to know that so many children continue to start smoking at an early age. My husband and I did that, and now we're paying an awful price. We have had emphysema for years. Four of our children also took up the habit. I finally started paying them to quit ($100 every two weeks they didn't smoke -- up to five payments).

I decided to head off the temptation our grandchildren would face. We told them if they didn't start smoking by the age of 18, we'd pay them $2,000. So far, seven of the 10 have collected a nice check on their 18th birthday, and we expect the remaining three to collect in turn. They have grown up understanding that cigarettes are "gross" and, if they start smoking, it will cost them a lot of money!

Abby, you're the best way to spread ideas. I hope you will think it worthwhile to pass this one along. -- DO AS I SAY, GAINESVILLE, FLA.

DEAR DO AS I SAY: I'm passing it along, but frankly, I'm not crazy about bribery. One would think that, having witnessed firsthand the serious health issues you and your husband are experiencing, your grandchildren would have understood what awaited them if they took up the habit.

The tobacco industry has done a huge disservice to young people by marketing their products to them -- and not just in the form of cigarettes, but also with flavored chewing tobacco, which is equally addictive. According to the U.S. Surgeon General, nearly 90 percent of smokers start by age 18.

In 2006, U.S. District Judge Gladys E. Kessler of Washington, D.C., ruled the major cigarette manufacturers were guilty of fraud and racketeering under the federal RICO Act. (When the tobacco companies appealed, the Supreme Court rejected it without comment.)

She wrote that for more than 50 years the tobacco industry "lied, misrepresented and deceived the American public, including smokers and the young people they avidly sought as 'replacement smokers,' about the devastating effects of smoking....

"They suppressed research, they destroyed documents, they manipulated the use of nicotine so as to increase and perpetuate addiction, they distorted the truth ... so as to discourage smokers from quitting."

It is extremely important that young people be educated about -- and prevented from -- using tobacco. Smokers who start as teenagers increase their chances of becoming addicted. Think about it: reduced lung function, early heart disease, cancer, asthma, disfigurement. Yes -- it could happen to you.

DEAR ABBY: I have a wonderful husband and adorable grandchildren, but I have developed deep feelings for a man I met at the gym where I go with a friend.

I find myself thinking of this man during the day and night. I don't want to have an affair nor do I want him to know what I feel. When the thoughts of him come, they overwhelm me so I try to pray. I have no plans to cheat on my husband. What else can I do? -- CONFIDENTIAL IN GREENVILLE, N.C.

DEAR CONFIDENTIAL: Because you have a wonderful husband and a life you do not want to be disrupted, I recommend that when you finish exercising at the gym you take a cold shower. And if that doesn't work, go to an all-female gym.

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO MY READERS: Thanks to you, writing this column is a love-in every day of the year.