DEAR ABBY: Before we met, my girlfriend got large breast implants. I think they're a terrible turn-off, but I don't know how to tell her. Should I try to overlook this because I love her, or can I tell her the truth about why our love life is sometimes not so hot? I have known her long enough that the next step is marriage -- or nothing.

She walks around the house bare-chested and obviously thinks I find her breasts a big turn-on. I have faked it for five years. What should I do? -- NOT THAT EXCITED IN COLORADO

DEAR NOT THAT EXCITED: Your letter is a lesson about the danger of "faking it." Level with your girlfriend, but without using the words "terrible" and "turn-off." Tell her you love her, but while many men find large breasts to be a turn-on, you actually prefer smaller ones -- to the degree that it sometimes affects your sexual performance.

Explain that if she thinks her breasts are what have kept you interested, it's not the case. At some point, one or more of her implants may need to be replaced, and she might opt for smaller ones.

DEAR ABBY: I moved to Australia 10 years ago. It has been a fantastic adventure, but I feel drawn home. Complicating things is the fact that I have a same-sex Australian partner. Because gay marriage is not federally recognized in the United States, he has no possibility of legally emigrating there. His skills are not sufficient.

To move back to the U.S. would destroy my home, which is a happy one. On the other hand, I come from a large, close family and my parents are entering their 70s. I miss my family and my culture every day, and feel torn between my family in the U.S. and my partner in Australia.

I have felt this way for a few years. I feel unable to settle down and start living or feel comfortable in my life until I work this out. The thought of not being around my family in the long term is unbearable. The thought of leaving my partner is equally painful. I have tried in vain to find an answer and feel overwhelmed. Help! -- TRANS-PACIFIC READER

DEAR TRANS-PACIFIC: I don't know your financial situation, but why must this be an "either/or" situation? You're happily settled in a beautiful country and enjoying a loving relationship. I assume you also have a well-paying job.

Your dilemma might be solved by visiting your parents more often, particularly since their health is still good. If that changes, you could return to the U.S. for a more extended period. Until the laws in the U.S. regarding same-sex marriage change, that's what you will have to do unless you're willing to sacrifice your relationship.

DEAR ABBY: Is it proper to tip your tattoo artist or piercer? They provide a service, just as a hairdresser would. I have never seen this addressed before. Your input would be helpful. -- CURIOUS IN UPSTATE NEW YORK

DEAR CURIOUS: Tattoos and piercings are considered works of art, and it's not unusual for a customer to present the artist with a gratuity commensurate with the degree of satisfaction the person feels with the results, the time it took to create it and the intricacy of the design. In lieu of money, sometimes gifts such as art books, spiritual artifacts or jewelry are given to the artist.

DEAR ABBY: My hair falls nearly to my waist, and I go to great lengths to maintain it and keep it free of split ends.

Many of my friends, both male and female, have grown out their hair over the years and donated it to cancer charities. While I think it's a beautiful act of selflessness, I have never felt the calling to donate my hair.

I have recently been criticized for wanting to keep my long hair for myself and have been called selfish and a hypocrite. Abby, cancer runs in my family. I donate money and volunteer for my local Relay for Life every year. When I explain this to my "attackers" -- some of them good friends -- they look the other way and say I'm "horrible" because I won't cut my hair and give it to those in need.

I cut my hair very short 10 years ago and regretted it. Now I'm feeling pressured to do it again. How do I get my message across to these people without sounding defensive or snobby? -- RAPUNZEL IN MICHIGAN

DEAR RAPUNZEL: I think I detect a twinge of jealousy in the "good friends" who imply you are being selfish or hypocritical for not donating your lovely locks. It would be neither defensive nor snobby to smile and reply: "We all must decide for ourselves how we will support the charities that are important to us. I have chosen to donate in other ways."

DEAR ABBY: I have been with my boyfriend, "Keoni," for five years. We have a healthy relationship. However, when we go out to the grocery store, the doctor's office or the mall, women constantly question his ethnicity, which is Hawaiian. Then, without fail, they'll proceed to tell him (and me) how handsome, beautiful or gorgeous he is.

Keoni does nothing to make me feel less than pretty myself, but these frequent comments from strangers have started to make me feel insecure about my own appearance. How do I accept these compliments without resentment? -- KEONI'S GIRLFRIEND IN FLORIDA

DEAR GIRLFRIEND: What may be upsetting you is that these women ask your boyfriend inappropriate questions and appear to be coming on to him. Face it, your boyfriend is exotic. If you were in Hawaii, he wouldn't be exotic -- you might be. The next time this happens and someone raves about his good looks, remember that Keoni's with you, not her. But if she's pushy, "suggest" she move to Hawaii and get "lei-ed."

DEAR ABBY: Are hugs the new handshake? I am encountering more and more people who, instead of shaking hands when they see you (or say goodbye), want to hug. I understand it if you are close friends, but frequently it's a business acquaintance.

The two most recent examples were when I went to meet with my mother's minister to arrange her funeral. I had never met the man, but he wanted to hug upon meeting me. Yesterday, I saw a new eye doctor for the first time. As I was leaving, I put out my hand to shake his. He said, "Oh, I like to hug!" When I stepped back and told him, "I'm not a huggy person," he seemed offended. Any suggestions? -- STANDOFFISH SUE

DEAR SUE: The minister may have thought that having just lost your mother, you could have used the hug. Many people welcome that kind of comfort. Personally, I agree that the eye doctor's behavior was presumptuous. If you continue to patronize him, my recommendation is to stand out of reach.

DEAR READERS: It's April Fools' Day, the day on which I share some offbeat letters and examples of readers' efforts to pull my leg. It's all in fun -- so enjoy!

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married almost 10 years. He has always been a good husband, but recently he has been coming home increasingly late. He says he's putting in overtime.

The other day when I was doing the laundry, I discovered a red stain on his underwear. He said they were painting the bathroom at work and he had gotten paint on it when he used the facilities, but it looks more like lipstick to me.

Can you tell me how to get the lipstick out of his shorts? -- GOOD HOUSEWIFE IN UTAH

DEAR GOOD HOUSEWIFE: There's more to marriage than getting whiter whites. You may be a great housewife, but you're missing the big picture. More important than getting the lipstick out of his shorts is keeping his shorts away from the lipstick. And that's no joke.

DEAR ABBY: My girlfriend just moved in, and we're going to have a party to celebrate. We have decided to have it here, but the problem is we have just one bathroom.

I think we should rent a porta-potty. We could put it in the hallway next to the dining room. My girlfriend thinks that's tacky, but I think it's a sensible solution. Because this is a fourth-floor walk-up, the porta-potty folks may charge extra to deliver it. Advice, please? -- TOM AND NANCY IN NEW YORK

DEAR TOM AND NANCY: Gladly. Charge for the use of the porta-potty and two things will happen: You will make enough money to reimburse yourself for the delivery cost, and so few guests will accept your invitations in the future that your one bathroom will be able to accommodate them.

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I and our teenage son came home from a family get-together, and after he went to bed, my wife told me she wants to get a new, "bouncier" bed. We don't want to wake up our son with the noise of our enjoying it. What kind of bed do you recommend? -- MR. ROMANCE IN OREGON

DEAR MR. ROMANCE: Forget the bed and buy a trampoline. And if your son asks why, tell him you're training to join the circus.

DEAR ABBY: How can I give my boyfriend makeup sex if we never have an argument? -- MISS BLISS IN INDIANA

DEAR MISS BLISS: That's a good question. If you figure out the answer, let me know.

DEAR ABBY: I am a married man dating a married woman. She's the love of my life. My girlfriend is sweet, kind, has a caring heart and is very much a lady.

We often sneak away for romantic weekends, where we laugh and enjoy being together and forget our daily routines. Sometimes I'll stop and watch her while she shops or talks to people and admire how beautiful she is. The twinkle in her eyes is as close as I can get to the stars in the sky. I adore her and plan to be with her for the rest of my life.

And one more thing: My girlfriend is also my bride of 40 years! -- ONE LUCKY GUY IN TENNESSEE

DEAR LUCKY GUY: Normally I'd advise you to try to turn your wife into the love of your life, but you're ahead of me!