DEAR ABBY: My 14-year-old son, "Nils," recently joined a sport he really enjoys. His stepdad and I are at every practice, helping the coaches and coaching my son along.

Nils recently commented to me that he would like it if his father could come and see him practice. I took it upon myself, as I usually do, to call my ex, "John," and suggest he make an appearance because it would make our son happy.

My husband, who has been a wonderful stepdad to Nils for 13 years now, told me I should leave it alone. He said if John was a "real" father, he would just show up without being asked.

When things like this happen, should I leave it alone, or should I ask John to be involved more than he tries to be? I tell my ex about all of our son's activities and sometimes he just doesn't show. -- TRYING TO BE A GOOD MOM

DEAR TRYING: Not knowing your former husband, I can't guess his reason for not coming to your son's practices, particularly if he said he was going to attend. John may be irresponsible, or he may have unforeseen scheduling conflicts. By telling him about your son's activities and letting him know his presence is wanted, you have done your job as a conscientious mother. At 14, Nils is old enough to also call his father and invite him. The rest is up to your ex.

DEAR ABBY: In reference to the letter from the man who was constantly setting off "gaydar" alarms in females (March 10), I would like to share my experience.

I dated and then married a man who incorrectly set off my "gaydar." It had nothing to do with his mannerisms, his speech or appearance. It was his extreme personal insecurity regarding dating and making friends. In addition, "Mr. Not-Gay" could neither read nor write, which caused even more emotional insecurity.

After we had been married 10 years he became physically disabled and we had to move. No one in our new city took him for gay, even without me and without a wedding ring on him. He divorced me at 62 because the 30-something home-care aides looked better, but that's another story. -- MARCIA IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR MARCIA: I hope you will write again and tell us the rest of the story, as I'm sure I'm not the only person who would be interested in reading it. I agree that individuals who are uncomfortable with themselves sometimes emit vibes that make others uncomfortable because I have experienced it. But this subject does highlight the absurdity of gay stereotypes. Because a man is slight, soft-spoken and a meticulous dresser does not mean he is gay, any more than it means a man who is fat, sloppy and loud is straight.

DEAR ABBY: I have been seeing "Duane" for two months. He's kind, good-looking, successful, smart and fun. He's also apparently quite proud of his astonishingly hairy chest because he always wears his shirts unbuttoned nearly to his navel. When we're in public, you can see people react. Sometimes they point and whisper.

I gently raised the issue, but he didn't seem to think it was a big deal. I like him, but I'm embarrassed sometimes. Any thoughts? -- BLUSHING IN SAN FRANCISCO

DEAR BLUSHING: Yes. Your friend is suffering from overexposure. When strangers point and whisper, what they're saying is usually no compliment. Because Duane's decolletage embarrasses you, give him a choice: Button up or mow the "lawn."

DEAR ABBY: My husband has ice water with every meal. During breakfast and dinner he loudly crunches all of the ice in his glass throughout the meal.

I have asked him not to do it at the dinner table, but he thinks I'm being unreasonable. At breakfast, I usually eat in another room and wear noise reduction headphones.

I'm deaf in one ear and have only about 60 percent hearing in the other. We have been married for more than 30 years and he claims he has "always" done it and it's part of his enjoying his meal.

Am I selfish to ask that he not crunch while I'm sitting next to him? -- HATES THE CRUNCHING IN NEW MEXICO

DEAR HATES THE CRUNCHING: I reviewed your letter with an expert at the House Research Institute in Los Angeles and was told that hypersensitivity to sound can occur as a result of hearing loss. If you haven't discussed this with an ear, nose and throat specialist or an otologist, you should, because your problem may be related to your limited range of hearing.

If you wear a hearing aid, it may be amplifying the noise, which could contribute to your hypersensitivity. Also, because you find your husband's habit irritating, you may think you are hearing more noise than you actually are.

For him to persist in doing something he knows annoys you is not only insensitive, but also rude.

P.S. I'm surprised his dentist hasn't cautioned him about chewing ice because it can chip the enamel on his teeth -- or even cause a tooth to fracture.

DEAR ABBY: I have been reading your and your mother's columns for many years. After hearing about her passing, I want you and your family to know you will be listed in my prayers in the days ahead.

I thought you might be interested to know some of the lessons I have learned from reading your column. They are:

1. Don't blame your server for bad food. Always be polite and send compliments to the chef when applicable.

2. It's your wedding; you don't have to invite "drama mama" and "long-gone dads" unless you want to. And do not ignore Stepmom.

3. It's never too late to change bad habits. Today is a good time to begin making healthy new ones.

4. Kindness is always important. Do it randomly if you must, but do it often. Pennies are a gentle reminder of heaven.

5. Being the other woman is a dead-end job. No matter what he says, the odds are he is never going to leave his wife.

6. Workplace romances are usually doomed. Don't risk it unless you want to find a new job.

7. Counseling is a good thing. Don't suffer for years or in silence. Get some help today.

8. Reconcile and forgive estranged parents if you can. You don't have to be dysfunctional because they are.

9. Pursue that thing you dream of now. You're going to get older anyway. Which would you regret more, doing something or not doing it?

10. You deserve to be loved. Start with yourself, become the best that you can be and live until you die.

P.S. I just thought of one more: Send thank-you notes, and no, it's never too late to do it. -- CYNTHIA B. HOPSON, LEBANON, TENN.

DEAR CYNTHIA: Your letter made me smile. Thank you for sending it. It brightened my day.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 16-year-old girl from Serbia. I have been in U.S. for two years and I'm studying English in an ESL class. I read your column and could use some help to solve my problem because I am very upset.

I have known my best friend, "Vanessa," for a year and a half. She is my age and we were very close. She had to leave school because her family moved. I can't visit her because she is too far away. I cried because I don't know if she is going to remember me or if she is going to forget all about me. I'm so afraid I am going to lose her. Can you help me? -- SAD IN BUFFALO

DEAR SAD: You are obviously doing well in your ESL studies, and for that I congratulate you. Because you and Vanessa no longer live close does not mean that you can't still be friends. Although she has moved to a different geographical location, you can maintain a friendship because she is as near as your phone or computer.

Because you want to still be a part of her life, keep her updated on what is going on in your life and ask her to do the same. That is the way long-distance relationships are maintained, and some of them have been known to last a lifetime.

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating my boyfriend, "Adam," for three years. Although we are young, we are serious about our relationship. Not too long after we started dating, Adam began staying over at my house on most weekends. I live with my mom, who is 47.

For the past year when Adam comes to visit, my mom has been coming out of her bedroom in her bra and panties, for the most part exposed. She also makes flirtatious comments to Adam that I feel are completely inappropriate.

I have tried talking to her about it, letting her know how uncomfortable Adam and I and some of my friends are about it. I hoped she would understand, but she continues with the flirting and underdressing. What can I do about this? I'm desperate to try anything. -- DESPERATE IN MAINE

DEAR DESPERATE: You may be desperate, but not as desperate as it appears your mother is for attention. Because talking to her hasn't helped, accept that she is not going to change her behavior. Have Adam stay over less often. When you meet with your friends, do it at someone else's house. And if you can afford to move elsewhere, you should consider it.

DEAR ABBY: I am a single mother of a 12-year-old boy. Three or four of his friends are constantly over at our house, and I feel obligated to feed and/or entertain them. Their parents don't send money for their meals and often don't even call to check on them, so they are left spending the night here.

I don't mind the boys staying with us, but I don't think I should be expected to pay for their food and fun or feel guilty if my son and I eat and they don't. Any suggestions? -- SINGLE MOM IN THE SOUTH

DEAR SINGLE MOM: Call the boys' parents and have a friendly chat with them. I agree that the current situation isn't fair to you, and because the boys are at your home so often, their parents should be chipping in. Alternatively, start sending the boys home at dinner time.