DEAR ABBY: I am a woman in my late 40s and I hate sex. I always have and always will. I'm disabled, and it has always been torture. I never got any positive benefits out of it.

My problem is I get hit on constantly. I tried marriage once, more for financial reasons than anything else, but I couldn't wait to get out. I'm single now, own my own home, and the men in this town (married and single) all seem to think I'm fair game. They're convinced that I'm in need of satisfaction because I don't date or have a steady man in my life.

I have told them repeatedly that it's not going to happen, but every once in a while one pops up on my doorstep or approaches me in town, only to be told again to leave me alone.

Please don't tell me to see a therapist. The last one I went to tried to tell me I was gay. No! I'm simply happy being single and sex-free. I go where I want and don't have to answer to anyone. Short of running these idiots off with a shotgun, how do I get it through their thick skulls that I'm not available? -- SEXLESS BY CHOICE

DEAR SEXLESS: Although we live in a sex-obsessed society, not everyone -- male or female -- is a sexual creature. Your therapist should not have tried to label you as gay. You appear to be asexual, which you describe as happily sex-free.

The next time you are hit on by one of these men -- who, by the way, probably think that by doing so they are "helping" -- tell him you are happy with your life just the way it is, and it isn't necessary to offer help where none is needed. Period.

DEAR ABBY: I really like this girl, but my parents absolutely cannot stand her. They hate that she has a tattoo and a lip ring, but her appearance has had no effect on her professional life, as she is on the road to success in her field. I am not writing to ask whether I should stay with her, because I intend to. She's an amazing person, a hard worker, a trustworthy partner and, most of all, she's my best friend.

How can I diffuse potentially "combustible" situations with my parents, who always try to put her down no matter how often I plead my case? -- JOE IN RHODE ISLAND

DEAR JOE: Whether your parents approve or not, tattoos seem to have become a rite of passage for many people of your generation, and so have lip rings, eyebrow rings and multiple ear piercings. If you are over 21 and living independent of your parents, then you have the right to choose the women you become involved with. From your letter, I'd say your values are mature.

In time, your parents may recognize the fine qualities you see in this young woman. If they don't, they may wind up estranging a son. Right now, getting into a debate about her will be a losing proposition and I'm advising you against it.

DEAR ABBY: I'll be visiting the United States in a couple of weeks, and I'm really excited. Now my question: How do I tip the waitress properly? I know to round the bill by 15 percent and up, but do I pay only in cash, or can I have this amount charged to my credit card? Are there any other things I have to look out for? I don't want to offend anyone. -- JUTTA IN TRIER, GERMANY

DEAR JUTTA: If you prefer to add your tip to your credit card, it is perfectly acceptable to do so. However, before you pay, you should review the bill to be sure that a gratuity has not already been included, which can happen when a group of people dine together. I hope you will enjoy your visit to our beautiful country and that it will be the first of many.

DEAR ABBY: My wife's niece is marrying a wonderful man of Greek descent this summer. Her grandfather insists that his last name is too long and impossible to pronounce. He thinks they need to change the name when they marry. He went so far as to make them call him so he could tell them what he wanted. Then he gave them 10 days to "think about it" and call him back with their answer.

He told the mother of the bride that if they don't change the name, then he's "just not into the wedding anymore," implying that he won't help them pay for the event. Needless to say, this has most of the family shaking their heads and thinking the old man has finally lost it.

We understand that this was common practice for families passing through Ellis Island coming to America a century ago, but have you ever heard of this being done for a wedding? Being a therapist, I thought I'd seen and heard it all -- until now. Please give us some insight. I'm hoping his "ladyfriend" will read your reply and share it with him. -- CAN'T BELIEVE IT DOWN SOUTH

DEAR CAN'T BELIEVE IT: You have described a man who is used to being in control and is not above using his money to manipulate. A century ago when people came to this country through Ellis Island, many of them were escaping discrimination and wanted to leave their past behind them, which is why they Americanized their names.

Others had it done "for" them by government officials who couldn't understand them when they pronounced their names and wrote down what they thought they heard. (Years ago, in Sioux City, Iowa, my mother knew two brothers who walked through different lines and wound up with the names "Ginsberg" and "Landsberg." I don't know which was correct.) Still others were so eager to become "Americans" that they shortened or changed their names for that reason.

I sincerely hope no one is expecting Granddad to pay for the upcoming wedding. That he would attempt to blackmail the young couple in this way is shameful. Let's hope they are mature enough to ignore him, and that they have a long and happy life together. Opa!

DEAR ABBY: Our youngest daughter will graduate from college next month. The school is 10 hours away by car or a 2 1/2-hour plane ride. There are no direct flights.

My husband and I are excited about this special day, and so is his 82-year-old mother. (I'll call her Ethel.) She mentioned yesterday that she's excited to go.

Abby, Ethel is not a well woman. She has trouble walking, falls occasionally and hasn't been out of this town for 30 years. She is also hypercritical. She does nothing but complain about other people, her health, this country, etc. Looking after her would be a huge burden.

We'd like to attend this milestone event without the added stress of taking care of her. My husband and I have been married 25 years, and Ethel still complains about me. Because she's such a handful, we have never taken her to dinner or a movie. How do we (kindly) tell her that what she has in mind is not going to be possible? -- READY TO CELEBRATE IN SAN DIEGO

DEAR READY TO CELEBRATE: You and your husband should tell his mother that graduations in the best of circumstances are stressful events and can be difficult for someone who is unsteady on her feet. You could also mention that seating is limited, because it often is at graduations. Then offer to videotape the ceremony so she doesn't have to miss it.

DEAR ABBY: My partner and I have been together 23 years and his parents have embraced me as one of their own. A few years ago, we bought his mother a beautiful diamond cocktail ring for Mother's Day. She's now 84, and when she passes on, I'd like that ring back to have it turned into a ring for my partner. It's a gesture I'm sure would please him, and I hope his mother as well. I believe she's leaving her jewelry to her granddaughter, which is fine. But this particular ring will mean so much if I turn it into a ring for her son.

Would it be tacky for me to request this of Mom if I tell her why? I don't want to offend anyone, and I know the person who inherits her jewelry will probably pawn or sell it anyway. (I'd also like to keep it on the down low so my partner doesn't find out until the ring is given to him.) What do you think, Abby? -- PHIL IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR PHIL: I think what you have in mind is beautiful, and I can't imagine why your partner's mother would object if you raise the subject. Estate planning is a fact of life. However, if she doesn't wish to change her will, and you think the granddaughter is likely to pawn the ring anyway, you could offer to buy it from the granddaughter when the time comes.

DEAR ABBY: Is it proper to invite men to a bridal shower? -- CURIOUS GUY IN MINNESOTA

DEAR CURIOUS GUY: According to Emily Post: "Today, showers are just as likely to include the groom and his male friends."

There's nothing improper about asking men to participate. The purpose of a shower for a bridal couple (or the expected arrival of a baby) is to celebrate the upcoming event and express good wishes. It's also a way to give the couple things they'll need.

DEAR ABBY: I am no advice columnist, but may I offer a few wise words to future brides?

I have been married for 25 years and have never had an argument with my mother-in-law. Never! My mother gave me some valuable advice before my wedding that I'd like to pass along. She said, "Always respect the woman who made the man you love."

I never forgot it, and my MIL has always been welcome in my home for as long as she wishes. If we had any differences, a respectful dialogue was opened right away -- especially if it concerned our kids' education.

We have enjoyed shopping, eating, cooking, parties, caring for newborns and family moments together for as long as I can remember. Sadly, she is now frail and can no longer travel as much as she once could.

The women who made our husbands deserve all the respect we can offer them because if we are happy as wives, it is thanks to all of them. -- SIMONE IN SAN FRANCISCO

DEAR SIMONE: Your mother is an intelligent lady, and so are you for having taken her advice to heart. Because few people are in total agreement about everything, there is much to be learned when adults can air their opinions respectfully. This is true of all human relationships.

Because today is Mother's Day, I would like to wish a happy Mother's Day to mothers everywhere, be they birth mothers, adoptive and foster mothers, stepmothers or grandmothers who are raising grandchildren. I applaud you all.