DEAR ABBY: My partner of 12 years and I are well-educated, successful career men. Every few months my mom comes to visit, and we all enjoy spending time together.

The last few visits were not so great. We caught Mom snooping in our bedroom and our home office. When we confronted her, she got upset and stormed out of the room in tears. I have asked her to respect our privacy, but her response is that she -- as the mother -- is the one who deserves respect.

We recently had some renovations done to the house that included locks on our bedroom and office doors. When neither of us are home, the doors stay locked. Nothing was said about it during Mom's last visit, but last week we received a note from her telling us not to come for our usual summer visit. I tried to call her, but she won't answer.

Today I talked with my aunt (Mom's sister), who told me Mom is furious over the locks. My aunt also expressed disappointment in me for "shutting Mom out." I don't understand how I could be in the wrong, but it seems my whole family feels I am. Please advise. -- IN A JAM IN ST. PETE

DEAR IN A JAM: Although your mother deserves respect, it is hard to respect someone who goes through one's bedroom and office after having been asked not to. You may be her son, but you are also an adult and have the right to some privacy. What Mom is doing is the equivalent of throwing a tantrum. You were not shutting her out; you were drawing the line. Regardless of what your aunt said, you owe no one an apology.

Let's hope this storm blows over soon. And as to your summer holiday plans, an Alaskan cruise might be a lovely change from the humidity of Florida and the steam coming from wherever your mother lives.

DEAR ABBY: My grandmother was very poor, but she was generous with what she had. As a child, I noticed that most of the gifts she received were regifted to others. At first, it upset me because I spent a lot of time choosing a "perfect" gift for her. Then I realized she was enjoying the gift twice. She loved receiving it, but it gave her even more pleasure to pass it on to someone else to enjoy when she couldn't afford to buy a present on her limited income.

I get so tired of people whining about "regifting." Instead of being happy that someone gave them something, people worry about how much was spent. (I'm willing to bet the real reason for the upset is that the regift can't be returned or exchanged.) People who don't want to receive regifts should let the givers know so they won't waste their generosity on them in the future. -- THE JOY OF GIVING

DEAR JOY: I see the issue differently, because I suspect that some complainers may have confused the monetary value of the item with how much they -- the recipients -- are valued in the relationship. As you point out -- and I agree -- it really is the spirit in which a gift is given that counts.

DEAR ABBY: I have read your column for as long as I can remember. My husband died from a drug overdose, and I am a widow at 32. He was a good man before the drugs, but he wouldn't stop and I was helpless to intervene. I am now raising our two sons alone.

My problem is my brother is headed down the same road, and I don't know how to help him. I don't have the money to send him to rehab, and he doesn't think he has a problem. He has lost his job, has no vehicle and is losing what friends he has left.

I don't want to turn my back on him or lose him the way I lost my husband. I know he needs rehab or therapy, but with the lack of funds I don't know where to turn. Furthermore, how do I explain this to my 9- and 10-year-old sons? The most influential man in their life is setting a terrible example. -- CAN'T TURN AWAY FROM MY BROTHER

DEAR CAN'T TURN AWAY: If seeing your husband die from an overdose wasn't enough to convince your brother it was time to get into a substance abuse program, then nothing you can do will. There are two things that are more important in your life than he is, and those are your two sons. A narcotics addict destroying his life is a very poor role model.

Your boys are old enough to know how dangerous drugs are and that they caused the premature death of their father. Do not permit them to be in the presence of anyone who is abusing drugs and spiraling downward, or they will grow into adolescence thinking it is normal. Your brother is the only person who can help himself get back on his feet, no matter how much you might wish it were otherwise.

DEAR ABBY: I don't understand divorced women and the restrictions they put on their exes about what they can and can't do with their children. ("You can't let him go to the pool party; he might drown"; "She can't visit with your mother; she has a cat"; "Don't make him rake leaves; that's your job!") Instead, they should be grateful these fathers are active parts of their children's lives. Too many fathers simply walk away. Unless the dad is actively harming the child, they have no right to dictate what their ex does with his kids on his time.

Remember, ladies, you made a baby with him. He is their dad and he has every right to parent as he sees fit, even if it differs from your own philosophy. And dads, don't let your ex try to tell you that you are a bad parent because you let your kid go roller skating and she broke her arm. It is not your fault. Things like that happen all the time, even to kids whose parents are still together. So stand up for your right to be a real dad! -- UNSYMPATHETIC MOM IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR MOM: If I were you, I'd keep my head down and not get caught in the crossfire. It's not that you lack sympathy, but you obviously don't relate to the women you hear complain. While some of them may seem controlling or hyper-protective, others may have valid concerns about their children's safety while they're with Dad.

DEAR ABBY: I was wondering if you could print something about how to properly dispose of American flags. I'm a garbage man in northern Illinois, and I am sick of finding American flags in the trash.

Most of my co-workers and I pull them out and properly dispose of them. Do people really not realize what our flag means, and how many men and women have given their lives for what it stands for? -- PATRIOT NAMED DANIEL

DEAR DANIEL: Your letter is timely. I'm sure the people you have described are not being intentionally disrespectful. I suspect the flags are thrown out because of ignorance.

Readers: When an American flag becomes soiled, faded and tattered, there are better ways to dispose of it than tossing it in the garbage. According to the U.S. Flag Code, "When a flag has served its useful purpose, it should be destroyed, preferably by burning."

The pamphlet "Flag Etiquette" published by the American Legion states: "For individual citizens this should be done discreetly, so that the act is not perceived as a protest or desecration."

Many American Legion posts conduct Disposal of Unserviceable Flag ceremonies on June 14, Flag Day, each year. The Boy and Girl Scouts of America also are able to conduct these ceremonies. When you are ready to dispose of yours, contact the local Boy or Girl Scout Council, or wait until the Girl Scout cookie sales start locally and offer the flag to the troop during a sale at a small business.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 50ish, never-married bachelor with a question about engagement rings. Do you recommend that the man go out and purchase an engagement ring and then present it to the woman when he proposes, or do you think he should propose without a ring and then let her choose the ring she wants? -- OLD BACHELOR IN OHIO

DEAR BACHELOR: When a man is ready to propose, it would be prudent for him to visit a jeweler and ask that some rings -- or stones -- in his price range be set aside. Then he can pop the question, and if the woman says yes, take her to the jeweler to select something she would enjoy wearing. This will prevent an unpleasant and expensive surprise should the lady say no.

DEAR ABBY: Your response to "One-Way Ticket's" (5/11) question about his mother's final trip home got me thinking, and I found a loophole they may be able to use. If their mother's air miles can be used by someone else (like her grown kids), she would go as cargo, but her miles would pay for her escort to take her home.

If there are any miles left over after that, they could be donated to various causes, like the Shriners, who sometimes need to get a child flown to another part of the country for treatment. Or the military may have a stranded soldier waiting to go home for the holidays, etc. My oldest flies using my mom's air miles, and I flew my youngest with mine, so if the mother of "One-Way" would like to put her miles to use, this could be helpful. -- FORMER FREQUENT FLIER

DEAR FORMER FREQUENT FLIER: What great ideas! I love the suggestions my readers come up with, and yours are good ones.