DEAR ABBY: I am a 30-year-old transgender woman who has just started her journey. Feeling more comfortable in my skin, I have been going to some local hangouts with some friends from work and meeting straight men. My question is, when is it appropriate to disclose that I am a preoperative trans woman?

I have tried online dating on trans-friendly websites, as well as visited the local transgender bar, but those men tend only to be looking for sex, and I am looking for more than that. I would love your advice on the matter. -- STARTING MY JOURNEY

DEAR STARTING: For your safety, it is important that you disclose your status early, before there is any sex involved. If you don't, the straight man could react violently and possibly put you in danger.

At this point, it would be a good idea to contact PFLAG (Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) because it can put you in touch with resources to help you through your journey. The largest increase in new individuals reaching out to PFLAG is now among people with "trans" issues -- and this includes both trans individuals and their family members.

It is critically important to seek out a culturally competent therapist to help you with specific issues. To find referrals and a local chapter, visit pflag.org.

DEAR ABBY: My husband is in Afghanistan for a year. When he returns, I want to ask him to get tested for STDs before we have sex. I do not have any specific reason to think he would be having sex with someone while deployed, but let's face it. He's a man, and a year is a long time to abstain when there are females present. I have seen text messages from his buddies that read, "What happens on deployment stays on deployment," regarding them cheating on their spouses.

How do I approach the subject in the most effective way? I know that when I do, he will be mad, but it's not the first time that STDs have been a problem in our relationship. Help! -- THINKING OF MY HEALTH

DEAR THINKING OF YOUR HEALTH: One would think that a man who loves his wife would want to be absolutely positive that he wouldn't give her a sexually transmitted infection. However, because your husband has given you one before, it is perfectly logical that you tell him it is the reason you want him to be tested before resuming your marital relationship.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a single 32-year-old who lives across the country from my family. I have two sets of grandparents who both send me birthday and holiday cards containing checks.

The problem is, I earn close to six figures, which is far more than my grandparents' income in retirement, and I have only myself to support. I typically shred their checks when I receive them.

Should I continue to do this, or should I tell them that as much as I appreciate the sentiment, a simple card would be fine? -- SECRETLY SHREDDING IN SEATTLE

DEAR S.S. IN S.: When a check isn't cashed, it is obvious to the check writer, and it can cause problems in balancing the person's checkbook. I think your solution to tell them you no longer need the checks is a good one.

DEAR ABBY: Legal marijuana is making my best friend stupid, boring and insipid. "Susan" and I are in our 50s and have been best friends off and on since childhood. A decade ago, we started taking better care of our friendship because so few longtime friends were still in our lives. Since then, I have been careful not to be judgmental or condescending because it was the source of past friction.

Susan is a regular marijuana user, which has sapped away all of her ambition and curiosity. Even when she isn't actually high, she lacks the cleverness and mental acuity I have always treasured about her. Otherwise, her life is functional. She's in a good marriage, loves her pets and enjoys her job. I think if I said anything, it would cause a major rift.

Should I just limit our time together and accept this is how things are going to be from now on? I'm a widow who has lost my parents and others to illness. I have other friends and family, but I don't want to lose my old chum, even though being around her is starting to make me sad. -- FRIENDSHIP GOING TO POT IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR F.G.T.P.: As people grow older, long and well-established relationships become more precious. But much as we might wish otherwise, relationships do not always remain the same. Because you are no longer receiving what you need from your interactions with Susan, I agree you may need to see her less often.

In light of your long relationship, I don't think it would be offensive to tell her you have noticed a change in her and you miss the person she used to be. However, are you absolutely certain that what you have observed is caused by marijuana? If you're not, then consider sharing your observation with Susan's husband, in case her lack of sharpness could be the result of another medication she's using or a neurological problem.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married for one year. Yesterday I put all the pieces together and realized he's been cheating on me.

I called the other woman, and after she regained her composure and heard she is a mistress, she told me everything. She gave me the answers I desperately needed, and I am thankful for her honesty and -- surprisingly -- her compassion.

Now I need to move forward. I am crushed, and even though he can't explain why he cheated, I still want to know why. He says he's going to counseling, which is something I have been begging him to do since I had a miscarriage last summer.

Will he change? Or should I continue to pack the house and move on? -- CRUSHED IN CHICAGO

DEAR CRUSHED: Much depends upon the reason your husband started cheating. If it was a way to avoid experiencing the pain of the loss of the baby, it's possible that with counseling the two of you can get beyond this.

I suggest you ask to be included in one or more of the counseling sessions. If he agrees, at least you will know he is seeing a therapist. If not, you will have to decide whether you have had enough loss in one year to last you a lifetime, and whether you still have a future together.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 17-year-old girl who has been in a relationship for a year and a half with "Richard." I love him with everything in me, but he is mentally and physically abusive. He is also addicted to cough medicine.

I knew I should have stopped talking to him before we started dating, but he was such a mess I thought I could help him -- and I did. He's no longer an alcoholic. He went to jail for seven months because of our age difference, but I refused to testify, so he got out. While he was in there I thought he had changed and wouldn't hit me anymore, but he still does.

Anyone in their right mind would get up and leave, but the one time I did, he pretended he didn't care and I attempted suicide. I don't know what to do. I love him, but I know I shouldn't. -- ABUSED TEEN IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR TEEN: I'm glad you wrote. Richard may no longer be drinking liquor, but cough medicines contain alcohol, which means he's still an alcoholic. His violence toward women will probably never stop unless he is incarcerated for it, and even then there is no guarantee.

Regardless of how much love you give him, you can't fix what's wrong with him or make him love you back because he isn't capable of it.

Because you are so emotionally fragile, you should seek refuge with relatives who can help you heal physically and emotionally from this experience. If that's not possible, then contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline. Its website is www.thehotline.org, and the toll-free phone number is 800-799-7233. Ask for a referral to a women's shelter where you can receive counseling and support.

Help is available for you if you are open to it. Staying where you are is not an option because if you do, this man could kill you.

DEAR ABBY: While riding with my new boss to a sales appointment, he needed some information from his company-issued iPad. He asked me to turn it on and gave me the passcode. When I did, up popped a porn site. He almost wrecked the car grabbing the iPad from me.

Not another word was said until we arrived at the appointment and he looked up the item prior to going in. Nothing has been said about this incident since.

Every time I think about my boss having gone to that porn site before I touched the iPad, I get sick to my stomach. He makes me sick. Do I resign or stay? -- GROSSED OUT IN OHIO

DEAR GROSSED OUT: If the nausea is affecting your ability to perform your job, you should quit. But before you do, be sure you have another one lined up. And when you interview, as tempting as it may be, refrain from saying anything negative about your boss because to do otherwise will reflect poorly on you.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend wants to open the door for me when I am the one driving. I'm thrilled that he wants to be a gentleman, and I love when he opens the door for me when I am in the passenger seat or in front of any other door, as he always does. I am just not comfortable with it when I'm the one who's driving. It seems awkward to me. Your thoughts? -- AT A LOSS IN COLORADO

DEAR AT A LOSS: Your boyfriend may do this because he wants to please you, or he was raised this way. Personally, I think what he's doing is endearing. However, because it makes you uncomfortable, explain that it "isn't necessary" and you would prefer he not do it when you are the driver.