DEAR ABBY: I recently started dating one of my graduate school classmates. We come from different cultures, but we get along great and I really like him.

My problem is he's very close to his family, who seem to like me very much, but I always feel left out around them. An example: The nine of us went out to dinner and the whole time they were speaking to each other in their native tongue while I just sat there. Then, after dinner, his parents asked why I was so quiet.

The family speaks English fluently and are otherwise nice to me. When I confronted my boyfriend about it, he said it would be disrespectful for him to speak to his elders in English.

I want a future with this man, but I know it won't work out if I can't be included in his family. Am I wrong to think they should involve me in the conversation? -- OUTSIDER IN NEW YORK

DEAR OUTSIDER: In light of the fact that everyone knows you don't speak the language, their behavior does seem inconsiderate -- particularly if it's happening often. Perhaps you should speak to them about it and ask to be included in the conversation. An alternative would be to take a crash course in their native tongue so you'll have some idea about what's being said. (And won't they be surprised when you respond!)

One thing about your letter does concern me, however, because it raises a potential red flag. Does your boyfriend's unwillingness to stand up for you foretell a pattern of always deferring to his parents? If that's the case, it could be a source of frustration and conflict for you in the future. Please think about it.

DEAR ABBY: I have been in a steady, committed relationship with my boyfriend, "Carey," for four years. We have discussed our future and have agreed that we want to get married and start a family soon.

As a child, I always dreamed of a big, fancy wedding. Carey, on the other hand, says he doesn't want one. He feels it would be a waste of money. After a lot of discussion, we decided to compromise and have a courthouse wedding followed by a small, simple reception.

My biggest issue is he insists we don't need rings, and he refuses to get me one. Although I have explained that a ring would symbolize our love and life together, and it would mean a great deal to me personally, he won't budge. Now I'm beginning to doubt whether I want to marry him.

What should I do? Am I being superficial? -- CONFUSED ABOUT MARRIAGE

DEAR CONFUSED: I don't think that wanting a wedding ring is superficial. It's normal. Furthermore, if you have any doubts about marrying this young man, you should put the wedding on hold until the two of you have had premarital counseling. Arguments about how money should be spent have ruined marriages, and it appears the two of you are planets apart on this important issue.

DEAR ABBY: What is proper when opening gift cards with money enclosed? My family has made it a habit for the nieces to open their cards in front of everyone. I feel it should be done in private. -- UNCOMFORTABLE IN PENNSYLVANIA DEAR UNCOMFORTABLE: Opening the card is fine. Reading the sentiments inside is also perfectly acceptable. But to reveal the amount of the check or money enclosed is a no-no.

DEAR ABBY: I am 39 and have been at my job for 15 years. I don't enjoy it and haven't since day one. The work is stressful and doesn't bring me one single ounce of gratification.

I have always wanted to be an elementary school teacher, but now I'm afraid that ship has sailed. I'm currently back in college for business (my job helps to pay my tuition) and feel like I'm not being fair to myself. I don't like finance, and I was never good at math. I get paid well and am well-invested in my retirement plan, but I'm miserable every minute I must sit in my little cubicle. I consider it my jail cell.

I need advice on where to take my career because I'm not getting any younger. Or is it too late? -- OVER THE HILL IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR O.T.H.: You are not incarcerated, and you are only as trapped as you choose to make yourself. Most colleges have career counseling services, and you should avail yourself of them.

If teaching children is your heart's desire, you will have to take the time to prepare for it, know ahead of time what opportunities are available and what the compensation is. Make it your business to find out before making any drastic changes. You'll be glad you did.

DEAR ABBY: I fervently want to help my daughter and her father (my ex) fix their relationship. They are both a lot alike -- bullheaded and stubborn. They can't see how much they hurt each other.

My daughter feels he has chosen his "new" family (wife and stepchildren) over her because she isn't invited to family game nights, dinners out, etc.

He feels she doesn't appreciate what he does for her.

She's expecting a baby (our first grandchild) in December, and I think they should try to mend fences before the birth occurs. We lost our son (her brother) three years ago, and I know this figures into the family dynamic as well. I just don't want to see them hurt each other anymore. Can you help me fix this? -- ANXIOUS IN COLORADO

DEAR ANXIOUS: I wish you had clarified what your ex "does" do for his daughter, because from your description it appears he has done the minimum and little else. Having been excluded from "family game nights and dinners out," it's natural that she would feel her father made a new family and left her in the dust.

While I admire your impulse to be the peacemaker, I don't think you can fix this. Family counseling might be able to mend the rift, but only if all parties are willing.

DEAR ABBY: My wife died on my birthday a few years back. It was the most traumatic thing that has ever happened to me, and my birthday has been depressing since.

Every year, people continue to send cards and gifts, wishing me a happy birthday. All I want to do on that miserable day is get through it. It will never be "happy" for me again. Ever.

I don't want to be nasty to these well-meaning people, but I really do want them to stop. How can I convey that my birthday is not a happy occasion anymore? -- PARTY POOPER IN NEW MEXICO

DEAR PARTY POOPER: I am sorry for your loss. A way to ensure your message gets across would be to write or call these well-meaning individuals, thank them for their good wishes and tell them exactly what you have written to me. I think you expressed it very well.

DEAR ABBY: I am a teacher, and at the end of the year I receive many gifts and notes of appreciation from the parents of my students. This year, one of my parents, a beautician, presented me with a gift certificate for a facial.

Last week I made the appointment and was given a fantastic facial by this mom. I didn't tip her afterward because I wasn't sure how to handle a gift like this.

Was I right in not tipping her? Since this was a gift from her, I'm hoping I didn't insult her by not offering one. If I was wrong, I'd like to go back and give her the tip she would have earned. -- WONDERING TEACHER IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR TEACHER: Because the gift certificate came from the person who delivered the service to you, you did not insult her by not offering a gratuity. (In fact, had you offered one for her gift, it might have been taken the wrong way.) If the facialist who performed the service had been someone other than the mother, a tip would have been in order, but not in a case like this.

The proper way to convey your gratitude for her fantastic facial would be to write a short note telling her what a treat it was and how much you enjoyed her gift.

DEAR ABBY: My 14-year-old granddaughter, "Grace," has confided to me that she's smoking pot and drinking. When I asked her why, she said she does it to make herself feel better. I told her she has a serious problem, and something has to be done.

Grace doesn't want to tell her parents and, frankly, I think they would just yell and scream and not understand what's really going on. At this point, I don't know what to do. The person who's supplying my granddaughter is someone who is always around. I refuse to have that other girl in my home, but I can't tell Grace's parents why. What should I do? -- IN A FIX IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR IN A FIX: You're correct that this is serious, and something does have to be done. Alcohol and weed are not the solutions to your granddaughter's problem. Self-medicating won't fix what's wrong and could make her problems worse.

Grace needs to be evaluated and diagnosed by a physician. The way to ensure that it happens is to talk to her parents about the fact that you're worried about her. If you make clear that Grace is getting stoned to "feel better" and not partying, they may be less inclined to react with anger.

DEAR ABBY: My 25-year-old grandson has a problem, and we don't know where to turn.

Through student loans he has managed to get degrees in chemical engineering and biology with good grades. The problem is, he can't interview. He freezes up and is afraid to face the interviewer. This means he is unemployable.

He has no assets or income and lives with his parents. His father is disabled and hasn't worked in years. Can you recommend any organizations, doctors or medications that can help him? -- HOPEFUL IN MICHIGAN

DEAR HOPEFUL: Your grandson needs to discuss his problem with a psychotherapist who can help him overcome his disabling insecurity and perhaps prescribe a medication for his anxiety. There is a cure for his problem, and this is the quickest way to find it.