DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Ray," and I have been together for eight years, married for one. He is a great husband who works hard, is responsible, healthy, and he does half the household chores. He also tries to stay in great shape. We have a lot in common. My only problem is how Ray shows his love for me.

Ray says he expresses his love by doing what needs to be done -- repairs, yard work, grocery shopping, etc. I appreciate it, but it doesn't feel like love to me. I'd like him to buy me flowers, send me handwritten notes, take me to romantic candlelit dinners, etc. I reciprocate by giving him back rubs, baking him his favorite pie and buying him small gifts.

How can I get my husband to understand that it would be good for our marriage to give each other these "extra" acts of sweetness? We have talked about it, but he hasn't changed. -- DEMONSTRATING LOVE IN WASHINGTON, D.C.

DEAR DEMONSTRATING LOVE: You can't dictate how someone "should" express love. If the gestures you're looking for don't come naturally, it really is defeating the purpose to demand it. Many women would kill to have a husband who demonstrated his love by doing all the things your husband does.

Unless Ray has suddenly changed since your wedding, this is the person he was all during your seven-year courtship. The chances of him changing to any great degree are slim, so try to accept him the way he is, and you'll both be happier.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are in our early 30s and both have full-time jobs. Because of our busy work schedules and a general lack of desire to be parents, we have decided not to have children. We have nothing against kids, but we feel it isn't the best fit for our lifestyle.

The problem is my mother. She has a small farm I was always told I would one day inherit and move back to. My degree is in agriculture, and my husband and I have been saving for this for some time. Mom now says unless we have a child to pass the farm onto, we can't have it.

I am devastated about not being able to fulfill our dream and the pressure of my mother trying to force parenthood on us. I refuse to cave into her demand, but I'm not sure how to handle myself around her. Should I cut off contact until she stops badgering me? Should I just let her remarks go? I am sad and hurt to have been put in this position. Any advice? -- CORNERED IN OHIO

DEAR CORNERED: People who don't want to be parents usually don't make very good ones -- and to bring a child into the world in order to get your hands on your mother's farm would be unfair to the child.

I see no reason to cut off your mother. When she raises this subject again (and she will), tell her that even if you had a baby "to pass the farm onto," there is no guarantee the child would want it. In the meantime, continue saving your money so you will have a sufficient down payment for a farm of your own -- no strings attached.

DEAR ABBY: I have read your column for years and like it. But now I think you must be a man. I still like the column, maybe even more, but you do seem like a man. Are you one? Or is Abby a committee? -- CURIOUS IN TUCSON

DEAR CURIOUS: I heard a rumor years ago that Dear Abby was an overweight, unshaven, cigar-smoking man, but I assure you it isn't true. (I'd sure like to know who started that one.) I write my own column, and this morning when I emerged from my shower and looked in the mirror, I was definitely female. I promise to keep you posted if anything changes.

DEAR ABBY: I am in my late 20s and have been with my boyfriend for more than two years. We are serious, having lived together for a year, and we discuss marriage often. We make all our major decisions and purchases together and are generally very happy.

The problem arises when his children from a previous relationship are around (he shares custody with his ex). I am overwhelmed by them. They are very needy and have some minor manner problems. I am uncomfortable with all the attention they demand of me. They are literally always in my space, trying to sit on my lap or show me something, etc. It gets to the point where I just want to get away. Sometimes they're OK and we have some fun, but it's the downtime at home that is annoying.

I am ashamed writing this, but I need some advice because the kids are obviously not going away. Will they grow out of this? It's making me question if I can remain in the relationship. -- BOTHERED IN BUFFALO

DEAR BOTHERED: You need an attitude adjustment. I don't think you realize what a compliment it is that the children compete for your attention and want to be close to you. A way to deal with this could be to arrange to have one-on-one time with each child while your boyfriend spends time with the others. It is very important that they spend quality time with their father.

If you and he agree that their manners need tweaking, it shouldn't be too difficult to set a good example, and praise and reward them as they improve. When they grow older, they will develop interests of their own and be less needy. But for now, it is important you work on being patient, show the children you care about them -- and let your boyfriend know when you need a timeout. Everyone does.

DEAR ABBY: My 26-year-old son has been going with a 23-year-old woman off and on for a year and a half. He has tried to break off the relationship several times. Last weekend she played the "I'll kill myself" card when he told her he wanted to move on.

I take any threat of suicide seriously. However, she is holding this over his head. I need the right words to use to talk to him about her threat. -- FEELING LOST IN GEORGIA

DEAR FEELING LOST: The woman is trying to manipulate your son using emotional blackmail. He should not attempt to "rescue" her by continuing to see her. During their next conversation, he should let her know the personal responsibility for her well-being is hers and hers alone, and he wants no part of it. If he feels she is truly a danger to herself, he should notify her family so they can help her get the psychological help she needs.

DEAR ABBY: Can you please tell me what women are looking for? I keep being told that they feel so "safe" with me, it's like dating their brother. They know I won't force them into doing anything they don't want to do. -- PUZZLED IN NEW MEXICO

DEAR PUZZLED: It looks like the women you're asking out may have been dating men who forced them into doing things they didn't want, or may be trying to tell you politely that their interest in you is only platonic.

It's time to ask some married friends what is causing women to react to you this way. Having been through the dating scene, they should be able to give you some helpful input.

DEAR ABBY: I'm not sure how you can help me, but I'd appreciate some input. I'm in my 50s and retired from the military.

As a young man, I was so shy I couldn't speak to girls. I joined the military early and came out of my shell, but the demands of military life made it hard for me to meet or date anyone. Most of my adult life in the service has been spent taking care of soldiers' emotional, financial and professional needs so they could do their jobs.

I can't seem to convince women to date me. They say I "have no relationship history" so I don't know how to compromise or share. I can change my wardrobe, I can lose some weight, but I can't change my "history." What on earth do I say or do to convince women (both online and offline) to take a chance with me? I just want a chance to meet a special someone. Please help me. -- FRUSTRATED IN TEXAS

DEAR FRUSTRATED: You are the second longtime bachelor who has asked me this question in the last several weeks! I don't know what pop psychologist came up with the thesis that never-married men are to be avoided. If anything, your letter shows how dangerous it is to make blanket generalizations.

A man like you has much to offer. You are stable, have no bitter ex-wives who will interfere in a relationship, no children who are still trying to "find" themselves or tell you they hate your lady friends, and no alimony. I assume you are financially secure, and after a life in the military, have taken care of yourself physically.

Perhaps you should mention this to the next woman who tells you she doesn't want to date you because you have no "history." You should not hesitate to post your single status on your profile. Intelligent women will want to meet you, get to know you, and be willing to help you create a history together. And those women who aren't willing aren't worth your time.

DEAR ABBY: My partner, "Kevin," and I have been together for 12 years. Although we have a close and loving relationship, one major sticking point has dogged us from early on.

I am 19 years younger than Kevin and very outgoing. I enjoy spending time with friends and socializing. I understand that when one is in a relationship, time spent with friends is reduced. However, if I become friends with someone, Kevin will find something wrong with the person, make unkind comments about them to me and make me feel guilty for wanting to be with them. It could be the person is too loud, too opinionated, has different eating habits than his, etc.

The friend's gender or sexual orientation has no bearing. I have had to forgo friendships over the years because it's just easier to do that than to argue. I love being with Kevin, but I'm not sure what I can do to resolve this challenge. He doesn't feel a need to change. What should I do? -- "DAN" IN PITTSBURGH

DEAR "DAN": Start by recognizing that what Kevin is doing may be a reflection of his insecurity. The more time you spend with someone else, the less you spend with him. He doesn't feel a need to change because his nitpicking has been successful in diverting you from these friendships.

Try this: The next time you become friendly with someone and Kevin starts putting the person down, don't take the bait. Tell him he's entitled to his opinion and if he'd like to join you, he is welcome. If not, you'll see him later. It may help you to establish some independence. Mature adults can do that and still have a healthy relationship.