DEAR ABBY: I have four siblings. We get along fine as long as we're apart.

During Mom's and Dad's funerals, I was dismayed at the degree of tension and bickering among us. I am now dealing with an incurable illness that will shorten my life considerably. I have no desire to put my husband through a funeral hosting a family who never liked him. I prefer to be cremated, and a handwritten letter be sent to each of my siblings after the fact.

Is this selfish? I don't want people saying things they don't sincerely mean. I didn't have a happy childhood, and my siblings contributed to that. My letter will not be accusatory, nor will it rake up long-ago hurts. I just want them to know that my husband has carried out my wishes and they should not blame him for doing so. Any thoughts? -- KEEPING IT SIMPLE

DEAR KEEPING IT SIMPLE: I don't think your wishes are selfish. You're entitled to exit the stage of life in the manner you choose. Because you prefer to bid your siblings goodbye in handwritten letters, go ahead and do it.

If I have any advice to offer it is that your husband should continue to maintain a healthy distance from your siblings after your death. You can't prevent them from having whatever reaction they choose, considering the level of dysfunction in your family. It's not unusual for survivors to react with anger after a death, and your husband should not take it personally if they do.

DEAR ABBY: My daughter rents a second-floor apartment with her two little girls. The tenant on the first floor is on oxygen and smokes cigarettes. I am concerned about the risk of an explosion that could injure my family upstairs.

My daughter would like to move, but her lease won't be up until January. What should we do? I don't believe she can afford a lawyer unless legal aid is available to her. I find the situation scary. -- WORRIED IN OHIO

DEAR WORRIED: I find it scary, too. Has your daughter discussed this with the manager of the building? If she hasn't, she should, and the conversation should be documented. An explosion could harm more neighbors than just her and her children. The smoker is a danger to everyone.

If the manager can't compel the smoker to stop, then your daughter should move because, in a sense, the tenant downstairs is a ticking time bomb, and her children's safety is paramount.

DEAR ABBY: My aunt "Stacey" has what they call salt-and-pepper-colored hair. We have suggested many times that she dye it, but she doesn't want to have to keep up with it. Recently, someone asked her 14-year-old daughter if that was her grandmother!

Aunt Stacey will be coming for a visit soon and we want to surprise her with a hair dye. How should we go about it? -- KRISTY IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR KRISTY: Don't do it, or the people who get surprised could be you and whoever else has concocted this hair-brained scheme. Not all women want to color their hair. Some would prefer to avoid the expense, and others become allergic to the hair dye. My advice is to appreciate your aunt for the person she is and forget about trying to change her image.

DEAR ABBY: My 13-year-old son, "Wiley," was playing a game on my cellphone. I stupidly forgot to delete a short video of myself engaged in a sex act with my ex-husband, "Cliff." Wiley didn't confront me or mention it, but given his sudden change in behavior, I'm almost certain he saw it.

The next morning I mentioned it and apologized, hoping we could get past the awkwardness, but Wiley wouldn't admit this is what's bothering him. He acted as if he didn't know what I was talking about. Now he's shutting down. He won't talk to me. He's off in his own world as if I'm a stranger, where a few days before we would laugh, share and trust each other.

I divorced Cliff because he and my son didn't get along, but in the last six months we have been secretly having an affair and we ultimately want to get back together when Wiley is 18. My son doesn't approve of him and he's angry about it.

I'm worried and embarrassed that he saw me doing what I was doing in that few seconds of video, and I don't want to scar him or have him think differently of me. Wiley's father has been no help, and I suspect adds fuel to our son's anger during his weekend visitations. I tried therapy for Wiley -- it didn't help. Do you have any suggestions? -- MORTIFIED IN ARIZONA

DEAR MORTIFIED: I'm printing your letter because, once again, it illustrates the danger of putting videos of a sexual nature on cellphones. I can think of few people of any age who don't prefer to think of themselves as products of immaculate conception, and your son is no exception.

Because Cliff and Wiley's relationship was so poor the three of you couldn't coexist under one roof, discovering that you are once more intimately involved with your ex must have been traumatic and threatening to Wiley. It might reassure him to know that your seeing Cliff does not mean you will be living together anytime soon.

In the meantime, I recommend that you talk with a therapist to help you cope with the changed relationship you now have with your son. It's a shame that Wiley's father has used this unfortunate incident for his own selfish purposes. Divorced couples must remember that they have to love their child more than they hate each other.

DEAR ABBY: A year and a half ago, I reconnected with "Paul." We were in grade school together and hadn't seen each other for many years. We have been extremely happy and want to spend our remaining years together.

Because of our ages (we're both seniors) and separate families and incomes, we feel marriage is not what we'd like to do. But we would like to move in together.

Would it be ridiculous for us to do that without being married? Will the world condemn us? Will our children understand or ostracize us? How do we handle questions about why we have chosen not to marry? -- IN LOVE IN LOUISIANA

DEAR IN LOVE: Many older couples do what you are considering because being married would negatively affect their retirement income. If your children like Paul -- and his children like you -- I doubt you will be ostracized. Most adult children want their parents to be happy.

If you're worried about how the community will react to your living arrangement, consider talking to a clergyperson about being "married in the eyes of God." As to questions about why you have chosen not to marry, apart from your family, it is nobody's business and you are not obligated to discuss it.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 75-year-old man who lives in a gated community. For the last eight months I have been seeing a woman who lives nearby. We are starting to fall in love.

Our problem is her 95-year-old mother, who lives with her. Her mom is pretty healthy and has some money, but she's scared to be left alone. Because of this, my lady and I have difficulty finding private time.

We get out for short periods, but we'd like to go away for a weekend together. If we suggest it, Mom makes a stink and gets nasty with her daughter. We have tried talking with her about it, but she refuses, sulks and won't talk for days.

She's suffering from slight dementia, but gets around OK with a walker. Mom claims she doesn't want or need a "grandma sitter." She wants only her daughter to take care of her and be with her. Any help would be appreciated. -- COURTING TROUBLE IN ARIZONA

DEAR COURTING: If your lady friend wants to have any life of her own, she will have to stiffen her spine and deal with Mama. This includes not allowing her mother's sulking to prevent the two of you from having an occasional weekend together.

She should contact assisted-living facilities in the area and find out if they will accept guests for short stays of only a few days or a week. If the answer is yes, Mama should be offered a choice: Either someone comes to stay with her while you're gone, a friend perhaps, or she will have to stay elsewhere because being alone is not an option.

DEAR ABBY: My brother died earlier this year due to an overdose. His wife and one of my sisters lived with him. They also gave him the drugs that caused his death.

Abby, they are treating Mom, my husband and me like dirt. Mom had no say in the funeral at all. You would think that since she was the mother, the wife would have included her. They have been having parties ever since the funeral and spending the money left and right, while not paying the mortgage on the house.

They have turned my other sister against us, blocked us on social media and cut us off completely. They also turned another part of the family against us. I know it involves drug abuse on the part of all of them. We didn't do anything to them other than bring forth evidence of what they did and confront them.

I have no idea how to trust or to build a relationship with them again if they ever decide to come back into our lives. It's painful to deal with a death, and then more trials on top of that. Any advice? -- BROKENHEARTED IN TAMPA, FLA.

DEAR BROKENHEARTED: I'm sorry for your loss, but please recognize that when relatives are as dysfunctional as yours, it's safer for you, your husband and your mother to move on. And if they do decide to come back into your lives, for the sake of your sanity, run the other way.

DEAR ABBY: Are there any letters or topics you won't touch with a 10-foot pole? -- JUST WONDERING

DEAR WONDERING: None come to mind. At one point or another, this column has addressed darn near everything and may have offended almost everyone.