DEAR ABBY: I'm 21, and my 16-year-old sister is out of control. She told me she smokes marijuana, drinks alcohol, abuses painkillers and recently mentioned she does coke.

Abby, she is beautiful, and I don't want to see her do this to herself. She's living with me about an hour away from my parents because Dad is an alcoholic and he abuses our mother. I brought my sister here to get her away from all that because I know what it was like growing up there.

I'm having trouble giving her advice to stay away from those things because I did them, and I feel like a hypocrite. My parents can't get through to her, either. Please help. -- TRYING TO BE A BIG SIS

DEAR TRYING: You're lucky you were able to straighten out without becoming addicted to any of the substances you experimented with, but your sister may not be so lucky. Because she's out of control, you must step in and put a stop to it for her sake.

Your sister needs counseling, and if she is going to remain your responsibility, it is imperative that you assert control. Talk to her school counselor about getting her the help she needs. You may have to drug-test your sister on a random basis as a condition of her continuing to live with you. Kits are available at your pharmacy.

Stop feeling guilty, stay strong, and you may be able to steer your sister back on the right path.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 23-year-old soldier in the Army, currently deployed overseas. I'm less than a month away from returning home to my husband. However, I have not been faithful to him during my tour. I have had sex with several people over here, and if that's not complicated enough, I appear to be pregnant. I don't know what to tell my husband. I actually still kind of love him. Advice? -- DEPLOYED AND PREGNANT

DEAR DEPLOYED: You need to make certain you are pregnant and that this is not a false alarm. Whether you are or not, you have some difficult decisions to make.

While it won't be pleasant, you and your husband are due for an honest conversation upon your return. If you both "still kind of" love each other, forgiveness is possible, and couples have been known to get beyond this and have successful marriages.

DEAR ABBY: The "rule" that white pants can be worn only from Memorial Day to Labor Day needs to be amended. I love my white pants. They go with nearly everything, and I almost cry when they must be stored away for another nine months. Ridiculous! My proposal would be to extend the grace period so it begins on Easter Sunday and lasts until Halloween. How does that sound? -- MARILYN IN SAN MARCOS, CALIF.

DEAR MARILYN: You will be delighted to know that according to "Emily Post's Etiquette, 18th Edition," that old rule about wearing white no longer applies. What's important isn't the color, but the weight of the fabric.

Here in Southern California, summer can start late and continue through October. Lightweight fabrics such as cotton and linen are acceptable during hot weather, and when the temperature drops, "winter whites" in wool, corduroy, silk and satin are common, although usually in off-white shades rather than a stark one.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 23-year-old woman who still lives at home. I have been working for the last five years and have saved enough to live comfortably on my own. Unfortunately, my parents have forbidden me to do it because they think I'm being manipulated into it by my boyfriend, that I just want to "do whatever I want" and be out until late (although I'm rarely up past 9 p.m. and they know it), and because I "can't stand them" anymore.

I have no privacy! My mail is opened "mistakenly" and my calls are listened in on even when I politely -- and sometimes angrily -- ask them not to. They have even imposed a rule that I must show them my bank balance weekly.

They have told me I will not leave the house without being married first. I would like to live on my own before I actually marry so I can experience what it's like. This is something I have always wanted to do. If I do move out, they say I'll "bring shame and embarrassment" to the family.

There seems to be a double standard going on here because my older brother has his girlfriend sleep over. How can I accommodate my parents without being disowned? -- FEELING HELPLESS IN ILLINOIS

DEAR FEELING HELPLESS: Your parents have chosen to ignore that you are an adult, self-supporting and entitled to make your own choices. They may be well-meaning, but they are extremely heavy-handed. Their hyper-vigilance -- opening your mail, eavesdropping on your phone calls and insisting on checking your bank balance weekly -- is over the top. They would like you to be "safely" married before you leave their protection.

Is their problem that they disapprove of your boyfriend? If you get a place of your own, do you plan on moving him in? If that's not the case, there is no reason why your living independently might shame or embarrass them.

Not knowing your parents, I can't judge whether their threat to disown you is serious or not. However, if it is, realize it's a form of blackmail, and you will have to decide which is more important -- your freedom or their support.

DEAR ABBY: "Lights Out in Federal Way, Wash." (Aug. 13) asked if it was a "sign" that her deceased parents were watching over her when streetlights would go out as she drove under them on her way home.

I understand your desire to give encouragement to someone who has lost her loved ones, but don't you know that many streetlights are light-activated so that after headlights hit them in just the right way they will turn off? After you pass under them, it becomes dark enough again and they will turn back on within a few minutes.

While I'm sure that given the opportunity this girl's parents would watch over her, the streetlights she described have nothing to do with the paranormal but have a scientific and logical explanation. -- SOMEONE'S WATCHING IN GUILFORD, MO.

DEAR WATCHING: While many readers shared similar experiences, the majority had a logical explanation as you did. However, I still feel that if what she's experiencing brings her comfort, the important thing is what she chooses to believe.

DEAR ABBY: My granddaughter was murdered by her boyfriend. They had an 18-month-old daughter, "Bella." All three were living together when he shot her, but we don't know what room Bella was in when it happened.

Another family member (I'll call her Lucy) took Bella into her home, and Bella calls her Mom. Lucy has been taking Bella to the prison to visit her father, but has told her he is her uncle. I told Lucy I thought it would be better to wait until Bella is old enough to understand, then tell her what happened and let her decide whether she wants to visit her father.

Bella went into the closet one day and came out holding a T-shirt with her mother's picture on it, asking, "Who is this?" Lucy's only response was, "You know you aren't allowed in my closet. Take that back!" She never answered the question.

I have a framed photo of Bella's mother on my wall. The last time Bella was here, I noticed her looking out of the corner of her eye and scowling at the picture. I was the only one who noticed.

Bella is now 4, and I can't accept that Lucy thinks it's OK to lie to her. I feel it should be Bella's decision whether to visit her dad. Am I wrong? How should this be handled so Bella isn't traumatized any more than need be? Because of these incidents, I'm almost convinced she should have some kind of counseling, but perhaps she's too young. This is why I desperately need advice, in the best interest of the child. -- BELLA'S GREAT-GRANDMA

DEAR GREAT-GRANDMA: Is Lucy a member of your family or the murderous boyfriend's? I find it hard to comprehend that a family member of the victim would drag a toddler to a prison to visit the lowlife who killed her mother.

I do not think it is healthy to lie to children. This situation will explode when Bella finally learns that the woman she has always called "Mom" isn't her mother, and the man in the orange jumpsuit not only isn't her uncle but killed her birth mother. That poor girl won't know whom she can believe and could have trust issues that affect her relationships for the rest of her life. Does she need counseling now? No. But will she when she finds out about the deception? You bet!

DEAR ABBY: What is your opinion about females and car maintenance? My mother raised me alone and taught me to be independent. She would not let me drive an automatic car until I had mastered driving a standard (stick shift). I was also not allowed to drive until I was able to perform basic, essential tasks -- changing a tire, checking the oil and maintaining all fluid levels.

I am thankful and appreciate that I have these skills. However, I know many women today who can't perform these tasks and would rather make it a "man's job." I think every woman should have these skills. Where do you stand? -- INDEPENDENT LADY IN FLORIDA

DEAR INDEPENDENT LADY: I stand beside you. There is no guarantee that a woman will have a man to "take care" of her -- in fact, the opposite is more likely to be true. However, if she can't learn the basics of taking care of her car, she should be sure that she's a member of AAA.