DEAR ABBY: My brother-in-law cheated on my sister two years ago. He was caught by the private eye his lover's husband had hired. My sister took him back and has been trying to be "the good wife," but he has never really seemed to be sorry or a changed man.

My problem is I can't stand him. When we get together as a family, I know I'm supposed to be civil and respectful, but I ask myself, "Why?"

I love my sister and the children. The holidays are coming. I'd like to ask him if he's faithful now, but if I did, I know he'd only lie. Can you offer me some advice? -- HOLDING A GRUDGE IN ST. CLOUD, MINN.

DEAR HOLDING A GRUDGE: Yes. For the sake of your sister and the children, please resist the urge to make things more difficult by confronting your brother-in-law. Asking him about his fidelity status would embarrass him and possibly terminate their participation in any visit.

Because your sister is trying to make her marriage work in spite of the hurt her husband has caused, the kindest thing you could do for her and the children would be to make the reconciliation as easy as possible. Tempting as it may be, please don't stir the pot.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 10-year-old girl whose family is divided. My dad brought me up, and I love him. However, my aunt hates him. I don't really know why. Dad tells me she helped my mom argue with him. My aunt is nice to me. They rarely talk to each other anymore.

I don't know which side to take. I don't want to take sides and I don't plan to. My mother died a few years back and my dad took custody. I want to stay neutral, but I don't know who to trust. -- IN THE MIDDLE IN MISSOURI

DEAR IN THE MIDDLE: Not knowing your father or your aunt, I can't decide this for you. I will point out, however, that when a couple is having a disagreement, it rarely helps if other family members get involved. What happens then is the person with less support feels ganged up on and becomes defensive.

If your aunt makes you feel torn between her and your dad, then what she's doing is wrong. It's OK to love both of them. While I agree that you should remain neutral, your father is the person who is raising you, and he deserves your love and loyalty unless he proves he cannot be trusted.

DEAR ABBY: My beautiful wife and I were a team for many years. She was the brains and I was the brawn. She took care of business matters, taxes and household duties. I did the repairs, vehicle upkeep and took care of the lawn and our garden. She was a computer whiz, while I remained computer illiterate.

As we advanced in age, I made preparations for my demise. I had everything perfectly planned. Then the unexpected happened. My wife died suddenly. I was devastated. Then I realized I was also totally lost.

She had gone completely paperless. I had no knowledge of anything. Some things were filed in the computer and others in the filing cabinet. I didn't know her email address, any account numbers and no passwords. All business transactions stopped completely, and my credit rating plummeted.

It has been a year since her death and I'm still trying to get everything corrected. Please remind your readers that the word "assume" can be a real meanie. -- SOMEWHERE IN TEXAS

DEAR SOMEWHERE: What a sobering letter. Usually the surviving spouse is the wife who was left in the dark. I'm glad you wrote, and I hope your letter will be a wake-up call to couples about sharing information.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a single woman who has had a string of unsuccessful relationships. When a man is into me, I'm not into him and vice versa.

I know the problem is mostly mine. I'm very independent. I don't want a man to consume my life -- just be a part of it. It seems like the men I date want to smother me.

My friends tell me that most women enjoy this. I hate it. I need a certain amount of time alone. I am attracted to manly men, but the ones who are attracted to me are either emotionally needy or they take longer to get ready to go anywhere than I do. It's frustrating.

I have met some men who would have been wonderful catches, but I felt nothing. I know friendship is the basis of all relationships, but physical attraction is important to me. A relationship won't work if I can't bring myself to be intimate with the person.

In all my years of dating, I have been in love only twice. Any help would be appreciated. -- LOST IN WASHINGTON STATE

DEAR LOST: I wish I had a magic lamp that would give you what you're looking for in a puff of smoke, but I don't. What I can offer is that you need to continue looking for someone who is as independent as you are, so you can find an attractive man whose needs are similar to yours.

Some couples find the process of dating a smooth and easy one. For others it's complicated, but not impossible. I agree that the basis of strong relationships is friendship and compatibility.

DEAR ABBY: How does one stop family and old friends from going on and on about their aches, pains, symptoms, conditions, doctor visits and medications in excruciating detail? Aside from my mother (who is 85), I don't care to hear about this from others. It has taught me a lesson I wish people would follow: While I do have back issues, I speak of them only to my doctor.

I try to be patient, but some folks seem to need someone to vent to. I don't want to be the one they "tell all" to. I try to tune it out, but I wish there was an easy way to let them know enough is enough.

Any ideas on the best way to handle these people? Or am I stuck being a good listener forever? -- NOBODY'S THERAPIST IN CROFTON, MD.

DEAR NOBODY'S THERAPIST: Try this: Say, "Really, I'm sorry to hear that." Then change the subject to something you read in the newspaper, saw on television or that's happening in your community.

DEAR ABBY: Tell me what you would have done in this situation. While dining at an expensive restaurant on a rare night out, we were seated directly across from a nice-looking family. As I was eating my meal, I had a nauseating view of their child's butt crease. The boy was about 12 or 14, and I didn't want to embarrass him in a public place, but it put a damper on my enjoyment of the meal.

Would it have been appropriate to approach his mother and quietly tell her? Obviously, the kid didn't know or care that he was exposed. The restaurant was full, so I couldn't request another table. -- LOST MY APPETITE IN MYRTLE BEACH, S.C.

DEAR LOST YOUR APPETITE: The first thing I would have done was resist the urge to walk over and plant a stalk of celery in the great divide. And then, because moving to another table wasn't possible, I would have moved my chair so that the view of the young man's cleavage wouldn't have been "head on."

DEAR ABBY: I am a 25-year-old woman with a food allergy. Last year I was a guest at a Thanksgiving dinner where the host insisted I could eat the food "since there was just a little in there."

I understand that making separate food is difficult, but all I ask is that people let me know if a dish contains an ingredient that will make me sick. At best, an allergic reaction is uncomfortable. At worst, it can be life-threatening.

Would you please print a message about allergy awareness before the holidays? If you do, perhaps someone will be spared what I went through. -- NOT PICKY, REALLY ALLERGIC IN ILLINOIS

DEAR REALLY ALLERGIC: I'm glad to raise awareness because every year there is at least one story in the media about some poor individual winding up in an emergency room or dying because of an allergic reaction. Exposure to even a trace of a substance that an individual is allergic to is dangerous because "just a little" can hurt you.

The symptoms of a potentially fatal allergic reaction -- which have appeared in this column before -- are a tingling sensation, itching or metallic taste in the mouth followed by hives, a sensation of warmth, asthma symptoms, swelling of the mouth and throat area, difficulty breathing, vomiting, diarrhea, cramping, a drop in blood pressure and loss of consciousness. The symptoms can occur in as few as five to 15 minutes after exposure, but life-threatening reactions may progress over several hours. Someone experiencing these symptoms should be treated at the nearest emergency room or hospital.

This information was provided by Food Allergy Research and Education, an organization whose mission is to raise public awareness about food allergies, provide education and advance research. Its website is loaded with valuable information on this important subject. Check it out at www.foodallergy.org.

DEAR ABBY: Last week I attended two events for my grandchildren. One was a school concert, the other a dance recital. Both times, during the performance I saw electronic devices turned on throughout the audience. It seemed that parents were encouraging children to play video games, watch movies or surf the Internet instead of pay attention to the show. It drove me crazy.

What are these parents teaching their children? Not only are they missing out on the experience, but they are also being taught terrible manners. I held my tongue, but it was a struggle because I wanted to slap the parents in the back of the head. (I'm old school.) Am I wrong? -- HOLDING MY TONGUE

DEAR HOLDING: No, you're 100 percent right. Before many performances, the director or principal will request that electronic devices be turned off. That's what should have been done at the concert and recital you attended. Parents who allow or encourage their children to behave this way aren't doing their job, which is to teach them to be respectful of the performers and the effort that was put into the show.