DEAR ABBY: When I was in my early 20s, I had a baby boy I placed for adoption. I could barely take care of myself, let alone a newborn. The father wanted nothing to do with me or the baby, so I placed him with his relatives out of state, who adopted him. With counseling, I got my life back on track, finished college and got a good job. I am married now and have a family.

After 20 years, this child, "Fred," called me. We talked every night for a few weeks and I invited him here to live with me. BIG MISTAKE! Long story short, Fred is greedy, lazy and expects everyone to wait on him. He refuses to look for a job or go to school, and he expects me to pay all his expenses.

I called his adoptive family. They said when things don't go his way, Fred pouts and doesn't communicate until he needs money. They feel exactly as I do -- he should get a job or go to school.

Abby, my family loves Fred and welcomed him with open arms, but I feel detached from him. As soon as I learned I was pregnant, I began separating myself because I knew it would be difficult to let go. I do not regard Fred as a member of my family and have no maternal feelings for him. I'd be OK if I knew he was doing well -- from a distance. But I'd prefer not to maintain a relationship. I don't love this young man, and I don't know what to say when he says, "Love you, Mom."

Am I wrong to feel this way? Is there anyone else out there who feels as I do? My family is trying to guilt me into accepting him, but I can't. It's not because of his greedy behavior, although that's part of it. Have others had a similar experience? -- SINCERELY NOT HIS MOM

DEAR SINCERELY: I'm printing your letter because although many adoption reunions go well, not all of them do. If other birth mothers would like to share their experiences, I'm inviting them to do so.

However, I do have this to offer: Do NOT allow yourself to be trapped into doing anything with which you are not comfortable. Your feelings may be based on the circumstances surrounding Fred's birth. They may also result from your disappointment in his lack of character. While you will always be Fred's birth mother, you are NOT his "mom." That distinction belongs to the woman who raised him.

DEAR ABBY: My brother is dating one of my employees. She has one of those "take charge" personalities. She's pushy and she's trying to worm her way into the family.

At work I can keep her at bay, but at family events she's out of control. She insists on doing and cooking everything -- including cleaning my mother's house, which isn't dirty, by the way.

My older brothers' significant others have noticed, but being the only daughter, I'm at my wits' end. She won't take "no thanks" for an answer. I am sick of her "I'll get this, I've got it, it's OK" attitude.

I'm trying to keep my brother's happiness in mind and not cause a scene, but I'm afraid I'll lose it one of these days. Any advice? -- I, TOO, CAN ORGANIZE A PICNIC

DEAR I, TOO: Has it occurred to you that your brother's girlfriend (your employee) may be desperate to be accepted, which is why she's going to such great lengths to please? My advice is to relax, because her efforts are no reflection on you. I'm sure you have done your part at many family functions. If her efforts are alienating the other significant others, perhaps they can stage an "intervention" and get her to calm down. In the meantime, hang onto your temper.

DEAR ABBY: I work in a palliative care unit in a local hospital, and I'm all too aware of how important it is to have one's end-of-life wishes documented, notarized and on-hand in case of an emergency.

I remember reading an essay that appeared in your column years ago; it eloquently described the desire of the writer that his body be used to allow others to live through organ donation. Is it part of your "Keepers" booklet? -- JYNNA IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR JYNNA: Yes, it is included. And I'm printing it for you today because it contains an important message. The author, Robert Test, was not only altruistic, but also the ultimate "recycler."

TO REMEMBER ME by Robert Test

"At a certain moment a doctor will determine that my brain has ceased to function and that, for all intents and purposes, my life has stopped.

"When that happens, do not attempt to instill artificial life into my body by the use of a machine. And don't call this my 'deathbed.' Call it my 'bed of life,' and let my body be taken from it to help others lead fuller lives.

"Give my sight to a man who has never seen a sunrise, a baby's face or love in the eyes of a woman.

"Give my heart to a person whose own heart has caused nothing but endless days of pain.

"Give my blood to the teenager who has been pulled from the wreckage of his car, so that he might live to see his grandchildren play.

"Give my kidneys to one who depends on a machine to exist from week to week.

"Take my bones, every muscle, every fiber and nerve in my body and find a way to make a crippled child walk.

"Explore every corner of my brain. Take my cells, if necessary, and let them grow so that someday a speechless boy will shout at the crack of a bat and a deaf girl will hear the sound of rain against her windows.

"Burn what is left of me and scatter the ashes to the winds to help the flowers grow.

"If you must bury something, let it be my faults, my weaknesses and all my prejudice against my fellow man.

"Give my soul to God. If by chance you wish to remember me, do it with a kind deed or word to someone who needs you. If you do all I have asked, I will live forever."

Readers, "Keepers" is a collection of favorite letters, poems and essays that have appeared in this column over the years. It was assembled because so many readers said the items were meaningful to them and requested that they be compiled as a booklet. It can be ordered by sending your name and mailing address, plus check or money order for $7 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. Shipping and handling are included in the price. It covers subjects from temptation to forgiveness, animals, children and human nature. Filled with down-to-earth nuggets of wisdom, both philosophical and witty, it's a quick, easy read, and an inexpensive gift for newlyweds, pet lovers, new parents or anyone recovering from an illness because it covers a wide variety of subjects.

DEAR ABBY: About a year ago, I stopped seeing a man I'll call "Vince." Since then he has been stalking me. He sends me texts with photos he took of us while we were dating, but distorts them to make me look like I'm stabbing him in the heart. He sends videos with my head on a dancing Barbie doll. My neighbors tell me they see him drive past my house. (He lives across town.) I refuse to talk to him now because he scares me.

Vince has now begun making moves on my cousin "Nancy." She says their relationship isn't romantic, but others have told me they have seen them cuddle at restaurants and parks. He still continues to send me scary pictures and emails.

How can I tell Nancy about this without her thinking it's jealous retaliation against their new relationship? I honestly believe he is getting close to her only to spite me and keep an emotional hold on me. His relationship with her has made me afraid to tell her about my personal life or hang out with her for fear that he'll show up with her. -- CONFUSED IN OREGON

DEAR CONFUSED: I don't blame you for feeling intimidated, which is what your stalker is trying to accomplish. You can put an end to it by having your neighbors document his "drive-bys" and turning the pictures, videos and any other communications Vince has sent you over to the police. If he sent them via U.S. mail, the postmarks on the envelopes (and fingerprints) will prove what he has been up to. It may take a restraining order to put an end to this.

As to his relationship with your cousin, I agree that if she has feelings for him, she'll be reluctant to believe anything you tell her isn't sour grapes. However, if you show her the texts he's sending you -- I presume they're time-stamped -- she may believe you.

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating "Dawn" for more than a year. She has an amazing 7-year-old daughter, "Charise," who started calling me Dad about six months after her mother and I began dating. I love being a "dad" -- going to the park, on trips, helping out at school and telling bedtime stories.

The problem is, I don't love Dawn. We don't get along well anymore. My mother tells me I should find someone else and have kids of my own, but Charise "feels" like my kid. I can't imagine losing her.

One friend suggested I marry Dawn so I can stay in her daughter's life, but I want to be in love with the woman I marry. Am I wrong for not wanting to lose a child I consider my daughter, but not wanting to marry someone I don't love? -- SPINNING MY WHEELS IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR SPINNING: Charise may "feel" like your child, but she ISN'T. And even though she may call you "Dad," you AREN'T. Your romance with her mother is already on the downhill slide, so the kindest thing you could do for all concerned is end the relationship. But before you do, it is important that you make clear to Charise that it has nothing to do with her or your feelings for her.

Your mother is right. You need to settle down with someone you can love. To follow your friend's suggestion would be a huge mistake.