DEAR ABBY: I have a very hard time expressing my condolences. I panic and avoid sadness at all costs. I'll give you two examples: My boss's husband died. (I worked for him, too.) Because I couldn't talk to her, I avoided her like she had the plague.

Another time, a close friend's son tried to commit suicide and severely injured himself. Instead of hugging my friend's wife and asking how she was, I waved and went on like I was late for something.

I'm ashamed of my behavior. How can I stop myself from acting like this? -- EMBARRASSED IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR EMBARRASSED: One way would be to ask yourself WHY you're afraid of confronting someone's sadness. Is it fear that doing so will bring you to tears, and you want to avoid the emotion? Because you are feeling shame, I don't think it is lack of empathy.

Being prepared in advance may help you reach out when a condolence is needed. All you have to say is, "I'm sorry for your loss," or, "I'm sorry about what you're going through." In some cases, the person may want to exchange a few words about it, but in others they won't.

Please stop beating yourself up about this. Many people don't know what to say, or blurt out something inappropriate because they're uncomfortable with their own feelings.

DEAR ABBY: I work in a small bakery. We have a very nice baker here who is an older gentleman. When he gets frustrated, he will shout out, "Son-of-a-rabbit-chaser!" We all laugh and have asked him what that saying actually means. He told us his father used to say it.

Now the entire bakery is trying to guess what this saying's true meaning and origin is. Can you help us out?

My boss seems to think a "rabbit chaser" is referring to a greyhound dog because they chase rabbits. I don't think that makes sense. I'm wondering if maybe it refers to a dirty old man chasing a younger woman, but that doesn't really make sense either. If you can shed any light on this, we would all appreciate it. -- DYING TO KNOW IN MILWAUKEE

DEAR DYING TO KNOW: According to my dictionary of American slang, when someone starts an exclamation with "son-of-a," it is usually to express "anger, annoyance, amazement or disappointment."

The animals that usually chase rabbits are dogs. Your baker may have grown up hearing his father use the expression because back then gentlemen weren't supposed to say "SOB" in front of ladies or impressionable children because it was considered too crude for tender ears. Ahh, those were the good old days.

DEAR ABBY: I am struggling with my friend. We're both on the cross-country team, but I can run farther than she can. When she stops to walk, I continue to run, but when I do, it makes her very upset. She says I should stop running and walk with her. But if I do that, I will lose valuable mileage.

I don't know what to do. Should I wait for her? -- SWIFTY IN NEVADA

DEAR SWIFTY: No, you shouldn't. Each of you should proceed according to your ability. Please discuss this with your coach. I know she (or he) will back me up on this.

DEAR ABBY: I'm 16 and entering my junior year of high school. My boyfriend, "Jonah," and I have been dating for almost a year and we would like to become sexually active, but I'm scared condoms won't cut it. I have tried talking to my mom about it, but she doesn't think I should go on birth control.

Abby, I'm just trying to keep the risk of getting pregnant as low as possible. I'm not sure my mom understands that. What should I do? I know for sure my mother will find out if I go to my doctor and talk privately about this with her. Please help me because I'm just trying to protect myself. -- PRACTICAL TEEN IN NEW YORK

DEAR PRACTICAL TEEN: You appear to be a levelheaded young woman who is trying to make mature decisions. Discussing sex with parents can be difficult -- not only for you, but also for them.

If you are willing to talk about this with your mother again, try using a magazine, a TV show or my column as a jumping-off point to start the conversation. Sometimes it may take more than one talk to feel comfortable disclosing your personal feelings and intentions.

You should be able to get confidential health services from your doctor or another health care provider. Depending upon where you live, however, parental permission may be needed. You will have to check to find out.

In terms of birth control methods, hormonal birth control is effective when used correctly. But using hormonal birth control and a condom together offers the best protection from both pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases.

For many years, I have recommended Planned Parenthood (plannedparenthood.org) for reproductive health services, which include information, contraception, testing and education about a full range of options for women, men and teens across the United States. Its services are confidential and comply with relevant laws, which may vary from state to state.

Some Planned Parenthood centers scale their charges according to income, and most accept health insurance. Your local Planned Parenthood health center can give you specific information about costs and policies. If you qualify, Medicaid or other state programs may lower the costs.

DEAR ABBY: Do you think it's bad that my two girls don't see their father? I don't keep them from him. He's welcome to see them, but he is now remarried and has never asked for them. He left our household 10 years ago.

To be honest, the girls don't even talk about him anymore. Is it OK to let them go on with their lives with the family members who are in it? -- NEW MEXICO MOMMY

DEAR NEW MEXICO MOMMY: It's sad that your daughters have no relationship with their father. However, because he has shown no interest in having one with them, you have no option but to let them go on with their lives.

The question that comes to mind is, has he been supporting the girls financially? If the answer is no, you should have gotten a lawyer involved 10 years ago.

DEAR ABBY: My spouse and I, after many long years of school, advanced degrees and work in the corporate world, are now retired. We are (we hope) financially secure.

Both of us have siblings who were less successful for various reasons. What obligation do hardworking people have toward their less successful siblings, especially one who has been a freeloader his entire life?

"Rusty" sponged off his aging parents to keep from having to earn a decent living. We feel sorry for him, but it's the bed he made for himself years ago when he took shortcuts. We're afraid if we give him a hand, he'll expect an arm next time.

As far as I'm concerned, only Rusty's laziness prevents him from getting a part-time job to help pay the bills. If we give him money, we'll have to do it for the other siblings on both sides.

I know this sounds uncharitable, but we worked for 40 years and struggled through everything life had to throw at us. We saved every penny we could and invested wisely. How do we deal with family members who can take care of themselves, but don't? -- ANONYMOUS IN AMERICA

DEAR ANONYMOUS: You decide on a case-by-case basis, unless all of your family members are like Rusty. And if they are, you sympathize, but don't subsidize.

DEAR ABBY: Most of my childhood was spent with my grandparents, who raised me until I moved out at 21. I have always regarded them as my true parents because they were always there for me.

My biological parents were also a part of my life. I would visit them on weekends. I love them, too, and appreciate that they allowed me to have a stable childhood with my grandparents.

I am engaged to be married next summer, and I need to decide who should walk me down the aisle. I'd like my grandfather to have that honor, but I don't want to hurt my father by not asking him to do it.

What should I do when the time comes to make the decision? -- NAMELESS IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR NAMELESS: Consider asking both of them to walk you down the aisle. I'm sure it would touch not only their hearts, but also those of your guests to see you honor your grandfather, who was your "weekDAY father," as well as your dad, your "weekEND father."

DEAR ABBY: Organized religion has caused me many difficulties throughout my life. I would like to distance myself from it as much as possible. I consider myself a "religious independent." I believe in God, but I don't believe organized religion has anything to do with God.

My question concerns my funeral. Since a funeral is an organized religious ceremony, is it possible to have one without clergy being present? Have you heard of anything like this, and what would you suggest? -- WASHINGTON, D.C., READER

DEAR READER: Instead of a funeral, many people choose to have a "celebration of life," independent from religion. Make sure your family and friends understand your wishes, then talk to a funeral home director and make pre-planning arrangements.