DEAR ABBY: I'm a lifelong New York resident; my husband is not. So when he had an opportunity to move to Houston to be closer to his only brother, he desperately wanted to move.

My children are grown and on their own, so no problem there. Although leaving my career, my mother and my children to move so far away was difficult for me, my husband doesn't have much of a family, so I knew it was important to him. He never had children, and he wanted to be part of his niece's and nephew's lives. So we moved.

Now we're treated like we don't exist! We're not invited to family events, they never visit us and we're not included during holidays. These are the people who begged us for the last 13 years to move to Texas.

I want to return to New York. He doesn't want to go. I'm afraid if I insist, I'll need to move back alone. Should I risk my marriage over it? -- HOMESICK FOR NEW YORK

DEAR HOMESICK: There is a middle ground between moving back to New York and staying in Texas. One of them is making regular trips to visit your mother, children and friends. Another would be to understand that your husband's family cannot be your sole source of social activity.

You and your husband should join clubs and volunteer your time to some worthy causes. That's the way people meet each other. Texans are known for their hospitality -- so give them a fair chance. But only as a last resort should you sacrifice your marriage.

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating "Hank" for five years. He has always been a loner. He has never been married and has no kids. We lived together for four years and our relationship is wonderful other than his "just being him." He's kind of self-centered and not very communicative.

Hank just learned that his mother is terminally ill. He came home from work, told me to pack and move out, gave me five minutes of his time and then left! I packed some clothes and went.

I'm not sure if I should stay away or try to get him to talk this through with me. This is tearing me apart. I know he loves me, but I'm afraid that with what's going on with his mom, he's shutting me out because he can't handle it. I'm the closest person to him, but he is pushing me away. Please give me some advice. -- FEELING VERY ALONE IN MAINE

DEAR VERY ALONE: Whether you should remain involved with Hank depends upon how great your tolerance is for pain. He isn't shutting you out; he gave you one giant kick in the fanny. He also isn't "kind of" self-centered; he's VERY self-centered.

If you're curious about his mother's health, call and ask from time to time. But do not expect to get back together anytime soon. To have ended the relationship with you the way he did was brutal.

DEAR ABBY: I became a widower two years ago and only recently started dating. Although I am in my early 70s, I'm in great physical shape and have all my hair. I am also financially well off and I think I'm reasonably good looking. My concern is, how do I avoid becoming a trophy husband? -- POTENTIAL PRIZE IN FLORIDA

DEAR POTENTIAL PRIZE: That should be easy. Don't reveal your financial status and don't propose.

DEAR ABBY: "Barney" and I are in our 40s and have been married two years. Barney is a neatnik. His nighttime ritual of cleaning up before bed takes an hour or more. Before we can be intimate, this ritual must be performed, which rules out anything in the afternoon or that's spontaneous.

Barney is also a night owl. Sometimes he goes straight from the shower to the Internet or reading, ignoring sex altogether, even if we planned and talked about it while getting ready to clean up for the night.

I have fallen asleep many nights waiting for him, only to awaken hours later and see he's still not beside me. When we discuss it later, he says it's a selfish habit he "got away with" in his last marriage. He enjoys sex but becomes easily distracted.

Should we seek counseling for this or try something else? Barney displays all the signs of ADD and has since his childhood days. -- FRUSTRATED IN CLINTON, IOWA

DEAR FRUSTRATED: By all means seek counseling. The ritual you described could be a symptom of a disorder, or your husband may have a very weak sex drive. However, one thing is clear: If Barney isn't in bed with you, it's because he'd rather be elsewhere.

For your sake, the sooner you get some straight answers the better you'll be. His comment about "getting away with it" tells me he knows what he's doing wasn't fair to his last wife, and it isn't fair to you.

DEAR ABBY: For the last 10 years, my friends and I have gotten together on a fairly regular basis. We always bring potluck to share. While "Marcia" and I were assembling a meal, "Cindy" would contribute a bag of chips. We finally told her we thought the offerings were unequal, so she shaped up.

We recently celebrated my birthday at my house, and Cindy "surprised" me with a beautiful blueberry crumble cake (her specialty). I was delighted and told her I had been craving that particular treat.

As the afternoon wore on, I asked if we should bring out the dessert, but she said she wanted to "wait a while." A half-hour later, she announced she had to leave and wanted to take the cake with her. (We often take leftovers home, but her dessert hadn't even made it to the table.) When I said, "But we have no other dessert!" she said she had company coming and needed to take it with her. Then she put it in the container she had brought it in and left.

Cindy is a close friend, and Marcia and I have put up with some of her quirks. But I'm thinking about confronting her about this latest gaffe because I'm afraid if I don't, my resentment will continue to build and our friendship will "crumble." Am I being petty? -- DESERTED DESSERT LOVER

DEAR D.D.L.: Petty? I don't think so. What she did took the cake -- and I'm not talking about pastry.

I don't know what qualities you look for in a close friend, but Cindy appears to be unusually self-centered. What she said was not only rude, but showed a distinct lack of empathy for your feelings.

By all means, clear the air, but don't count on Cindy to change. In fact, don't count on her for anything.

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Vinny," and I were married 11 years when he left me for another woman. Eight months later he decided the grass wasn't greener on that side of the fence and came back. Our marriage is better now than it was before the affair.

Seven months later his younger brother "Nicky" got divorced and moved in with us. A short while after that, Vinny and Nicky joined a band.

It has been a year now, and my brother-in-law is still here. I am more than ready for him to move out, but every time I mention it, Vinny says Nicky has "just" gone through a divorce and "we're all he has."

I hate all the time Vinny devotes to the band. I try not to complain because I know how much he enjoys it, but I'm miserable. They practice in our basement on Mondays and Wednesdays, and every Friday and Saturday night is spent performing.

I have no privacy! How do I get Nicky out of here? Should I push the issue with the band or let it go? My parents are furious with Vinny. They say he's reliving his childhood, Nicky is taking advantage and Vinny is taking me for granted. Can you offer some advice? -- HURTING IN NEW YORK

DEAR HURTING: Your brother-in-law should have been out of your house a month after he moved in. Tell Vinny you've had it with this experiment in communal living, set an exit date for Nicky and stick to it. If your husband refuses to listen to reason, then he is sending you a strong message that your wishes are not important.

As for Vinny's participation in the band, he and the other band members must be talented or they wouldn't be booked every Friday and Saturday night. Look at the bright side: When they're rehearsing in your basement, at least you know where your husband is and what he's doing. Marriage is a compromise, so learn to enjoy the music, but cultivate interests and hobbies of your own.

And last but not least, stop involving your parents in your problems. You're a big girl now. If you don't tell all, they'll have fewer negative feelings about your husband.

DEAR ABBY: My 19-year-old daughter was married last year. We gave her a formal church wedding. Of the 100 guests invited, several were longtime co-workers, who took the time to purchase lovely gifts and travel two hours to the wedding. Some also gave cash gifts.

My daughter still hasn't sent out thank-you cards. I see my co-workers week after week, and I'm humiliated. I have mentioned it to my daughter several times, but she says it's too late to send them now. Abby, we raised her better than this. Every time I say anything about it, she gives me an argument.

Please help. This eats away at me every day. Should I take the reins and send a short letter of apology to these dear co-workers? -- TORN UP IN TEXAS

DEAR TORN UP: A note of apology from you would ease the embarrassment you feel facing your co-workers, but it won't put your daughter in a better light.

All you can do is remind her that a woman old enough to marry should be mature enough to write thank-you notes. And no law says her husband can't pitch in and help. They are equally responsible, and failure to acknowledge any gift reflects poorly on them both.