Dear Abby

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Norm," has become profoundly deaf. He has a cochlear implant in one ear and a hearing aid in the other; neither has helped much. He has extreme difficulty with speech recognition. We can talk together in the quiet of our home as long as I sit right next to him and speak slowly. We use assisted-listening devices to communicate with each other in the car or at a restaurant.

Norm's hearing loss has affected us as a couple. We no longer have a social life. When Norm and I are out together, we become "invisible" to other couples. It's just too much work for anyone to communicate with us.

We are about to move to a retirement community where one meal a day is included in the dining room. I'm worried about how we will navigate the social aspects of eating with others, who will rapidly decide they don't want to eat with us again because of the difficulty of trying to chat with Norm.

Norm is well aware of this problem. He has proposed that he eat alone in our apartment while I go to the dining room and meet people, unencumbered by his impairment. Can you advise? -- TRAPPED IN A SITUATION

DEAR TRAPPED: Before moving into the retirement community, make a point of discussing your husband's severe hearing impairment with the director, the nurse and/or their medical adviser because they need to be made aware of your husband's special needs in order to be able to accommodate him, if it's possible.

According to the House Clinic in Los Angeles (www.houseearclinic.com), he will probably be advised to check in with his otologist (a doctor who specializes in the anatomy and physiology of the ear) to see if anything further can be done to improve his hearing. I hope you will follow through with that suggestion, because advances are being made in this field every year, and it may help your husband be less isolated.

DEAR ABBY: What is the rule of etiquette in sending out and signing Christmas cards from my family when one child is over 20 and in college? Do I send cards from just my husband, me, and the kids still living at home? Or should I also include my son, the one away at college? -- REALLY CONFUSED IN TEXAS

DEAR REALLY CONFUSED: Even if your son is away at college, he is still a part of your family, so include him. Once he has finished with school and is out on his own, that would be the time to suggest he start sending his own greetings.

DEAR ABBY: My son took his own life last year. I am raising his small children because their mother is out of the picture. How do I tell them how their daddy died? -- GRANDMA IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR GRANDMA: Tell them gradually when they start asking questions. If they ask why Daddy died, say he was very ill. When they want to know what the illness was, tell them he suffered from depression. When they want more details, reveal them in an age-appropriate manner.

DEAR ABBY: I was at the hairdresser yesterday, and when I went to the register to pay, the receptionist asked me if I was over 65 "so I could get the senior discount." Abby, I am only 55! I found her question insulting, and several of my friends have had this same experience. I appreciate the young woman trying to save me a couple of dollars, but I'd rather pay full price than be asked if I want the discount.

Why don't businesses that offer senior citizen discounts just post a notice near the register? That way, if a customer is entitled to it, she or he can ask for it when they check out rather than have to hear that they look older than they are. -- INSULTED IN PEORIA, ARIZ.

DEAR INSULTED: Many businesses do post notices such as the one you suggest. What happened should be discussed privately with the owner or manager of the salon. While I am certain the cashier did not intend to offend you, that's what happened, and "helpful" employees like her have been known to discourage patrons from returning. You will be doing everyone a favor if you speak up.

DEAR ABBY: Do you have any advice for coping with a child who is incarcerated during the holidays? My son, who has never been in trouble in his life, made a foolish mistake. He ran with the wrong crowd and is now in prison.

Every day is a torment, and I don't know how to handle my emotions. I can't enjoy anything at all, much less prepare a holiday meal and put up a Christmas tree. It feels like all the joy in my life has been sucked out. -- FEELING HOPELESS

DEAR FEELING HOPELESS: You have my sympathy. When a loved one is incarcerated, in a sense, his or her family is serving a sentence, too.

All I can offer is to remind you that your son is paying for his mistakes, and that making yourself sick isn't going to help him. Right now he needs your emotional support, and in order for you to give it to him, you must take care of your health and stay strong.

If you're preparing holiday meals and decorating a tree, then there must be other family members who need you. Exercise can help people cope with depression, and so can the support of other mothers who have children in prison. If you can affiliate with some of them, it may help you, too, because if anyone can relate to what you are feeling, they should be able to.

DEAR ABBY: I run a local chapter of an online fan group. We are getting T-shirts made and I asked everyone to vote on the colors for the shirts. After most of the group members agreed on two colors, one of them said her son, who has Asperger's syndrome, does not allow those colors in their house and asked if we could use different ones.

I'm sympathetic to her child's needs, but at the same time, I told the group that the majority vote wins. What should I do? I don't want to offend her, but I also don't want to go back on what I told the group. -- MEREDITH IN GEORGIA

DEAR MEREDITH: I assume that these T-shirts are not meant to be worn all the time. Suggest to the woman that she not wear the T-shirt when she's at home, but only when she's involved in fan group outings. That should solve the problem.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send your name and mailing address, plus check or money order for $14 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Shipping and handling are included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a young adult, the eldest of four children. I sleep in a basement (furnished and livable), which serves as my bedroom. I have no job, no driver's license, no friends who live close by.

I try to make my family happy, despite being underappreciated by my parents and siblings. No matter how often I clean the house, take the blame when I have done nothing wrong or try to be social and see eye to eye, I spend many nights crying like a baby in the inky darkness. A few times I have felt so down I have wanted to end my life.

I found an opportunity to get the training I need to accomplish the first half of my dream, and being a chef would help me earn the money I need to make the other half of my dream a reality. The thing is, I'm required to live on the property of the school.

I tried running away once and had to come back. I don't want my parents to think I'm trying to run away from them again, but we don't communicate well. How can I get them to see I'm trying to move toward my goal instead of severing family bonds? -- BABY OF THE BASEMENT

DEAR BABY: I don't know how old you were when you ran away, but if you are close to 18 or older, then finding a way to be self-supporting should be your priority. Family bonds are supposed to be bonds of love, not chains that prevent a person from achieving his or her potential. If you can't explain this to your parents, then you should enlist the help of another adult -- a family friend or a relative -- to help them understand that getting the training or certification you need for a career isn't severing anything, but is to everyone's advantage.

DEAR ABBY: I'm 12 years old and I still play with dolls. My older sister keeps telling me to grow up. I am embarrassed to ask my mom about it. Lots of girls at my school are growing up and they wear makeup, and I feel left out sometimes. Sometimes I throw tantrums.

I try to get good grades, but my sister puts me down by saying stuff like I'm stupid. I try to ignore it, but it just gets in my head and stays in there forever.

It's hard growing up to be a young lady. I don't know what to do with my life. I'm trying to grow up, but I can't get out of my childish ways. Please help me, Abby. I would really appreciate it. -- SAMANTHA IN KOKOMO

DEAR SAMANTHA: Growing up isn't easy. I know people decades past the age of 21 who are still trying to do it, some with more success than others.

It might help you to know that people don't mature at the same rate. This may have to do with emotional maturity and hormones. At 12, you are supposed to be mature enough to control your emotions and not have tantrums. Because you aren't, it's important you talk with your mother about your feelings.

As to your dolls -- hang onto them if you wish. People of every age collect and enjoy dolls, and it's not a sign of immaturity. As to wearing makeup, that's a personal choice. If you aren't interested, it's nothing to feel self-conscious about. More important than growing up fast is growing up to be a self-confident person who accepts herself for who she is.