DEAR ABBY: Whatever happened to respecting one's elders and recognizing grandparents as head of the family? I recently returned from visiting my son, his wife and my new grandchild. My son's wife and I had many disagreements on how to care for my grandchild. Instead of respecting my years of experience as a mother and appreciating my help, she chose to ignore my instructions and advice.

After I returned home, I was told by my son that I was no longer welcome to visit my grandchild unless I apologized to his wife for trying to undermine her parenting. I told him she should apologize to me for not showing me respect as the grandmother.

How can I make my son see that it is his wife who is wrong, and not me? -- UNAPPRECIATED GRANDMA

DEAR UNAPPRECIATED: It would be interesting to know how closely you adhered to your parents' and in-laws' parenting advice, because when your children came along I'll bet you had your own ideas on the subject.

Showing respect and following your orders are not the same thing. It is a mother's right to care for her baby as she sees fit, and you should show her the respect she deserves by allowing her to do that and not turning it into a power struggle. Unless you do, you will be seeing very little of any of them.

DEAR ABBY: I'm 26 and still live with my mother, helping her with bills and rent. A couple of months ago I got an opportunity to move out, but the fear of leaving my mother alone with her medical conditions stopped me.

Now that I have another chance to move out and live alone, I don't know how to tell her, or even if I should go. When both of my sisters moved out, Mom got really depressed. My fear is she will find herself alone and try to harm herself. What should I do? -- YOUNG ADULT IN FLORIDA

DEAR YOUNG ADULT: The mark of a successful parent is having raised her children to be self-sufficient. Because you are afraid your mother might become so depressed she might harm herself if you move, you should discuss this with her physician and explore what social services in your community can do to help her adjust. Many hospitals have social workers on staff, and that would be a place to start asking what is available.

DEAR ABBY: When we visit my parents' graves, we always leave flowers. Invariably there are flowers also at my father's -- not put there by my wife and me. Because Dad has been gone since 1963, we can't figure out who could be putting flowers on his grave only. My sister thinks he had a secret girlfriend. I don't think so. What's your opinion of this? -- STUMPED IN SACRAMENTO

DEAR STUMPED: Your dad is dead and gone. I assume he was good to your mother, and there wasn't a breath of scandal. Why look for trouble where none exists? Suggest to your sister that she should focus on the positive, and be glad someone cared enough about him to continue to honor his memory.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 22-year-old male and my brother, "Brian," is 14. When I was 9, our parents split up. After a year, Mom realized she was a lesbian. She is married now to a younger woman, and they are starting a family through in vitro fertilization. Mom's wife is carrying twins -- a boy and a girl.

When I first heard about their plans to conceive, I was devastated. After a few months, Mom and I were able to reconnect and talk about it. I'm happy they're happy, but I'm still uncomfortable with the situation. When the children are born, I am unsure how I will be known. Mom says Brian and I will have "a sister and a brother."

Brian is excited that he will no longer be the youngest. But at my age, as a business owner and in a serious relationship, I prefer to consider Brian my sibling, not the twins. I will love the babies because they are connected to me, but I'm leaning toward being called their uncle or cousin because the twins will not be my blood relations.

I guess I'm "old school," and with all the changes I've experienced in my life I'm not sure I want all of a sudden to say I have new siblings. Is this OK? -- FINDING MY WAY IN CONNECTICUT

DEAR FINDING: I don't think you have to announce anything when your mother's children are born. As long as your relationship with them is a loving one, I don't think the "label" matters.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend, "Patrick," and I have been dating for a year and a half. He's an incredibly sweet guy who treats me right. My family loves him and his family loves me. I can't see myself being with anyone else.

The problem is, he's very stubborn about certain things -- like his health. It's a constant battle to get him to go to the doctor or dentist. I worry about him sometimes when he is ill. When he insists he doesn't want to see a doctor, it makes me feel like he doesn't care about making sure he's healthy enough to spend the rest of his life with me.

Patrick is my first serious boyfriend, so I'm not sure if this is just a "guy thing" or if it's just his problem. Am I wrong to be upset that he cares so little about his health, or should I let him be? -- PROACTIVE IN LOUISIANA

DEAR PROACTIVE: You appear to be wrongly attributing your boyfriend's reluctance to see a doctor or dentist to a personal rejection. It may be a "guy thing" -- or there may be other reasons for it. Have you asked him if he even has a health care provider he could contact, whether he has insurance to cover it, or whether he is afraid of doctors? Some people are -- and the same goes for dentists.

It's important that you know what you're dealing with. Until you understand the reason for his resistance, you won't be able to help him resolve the problem.

DEAR ABBY: We recently moved to a new neighborhood. Soon thereafter, some kids who were at our house playing with our kids began rooting through my pantry for snacks. A few days later, kids from another family did the same thing. (I would die of embarrassment if I found out mine ever behaved that way.)

I began stocking the pantry with snacks and juices I knew the kids enjoyed. Except now, the "available" snacks are in a special bin to keep everyone from rummaging around in our pantry. Yesterday, my kids told me that they are rarely offered treats when they visit these children. They even take snack breaks and eat in front of my kids without offering them anything.

I spend $30 a week in extra goodies for the handful of kids in my neighborhood who don't always wait until they are offered a snack. Sometimes they'll lurk in the kitchen upon arrival. It's not uncommon for them to ask for extra snacks -- even four brownies!

Should I continue my generosity? Am I being taken advantage of by the local cookie monsters? I don't want to do anything to ruin the friendships my kids have with these neighborhood children. -- PANTRY POLICE IN UTAH

DEAR PANTRY POLICE: You may, indeed, be being taken advantage of. It would be interesting to know if those children are served the kind of snacks at home that they are at your house. (Are they really hungry, or could their parents be restricting their access to sweets, perhaps?)

Talk to their parents and tell them what has been happening. Then inform those kids that there are "certain rules" in your house and one of them is that they must first ask permission before helping themselves to anything.

DEAR ABBY: My husband is a pessimist. He has hated every job he has had during our 11-year marriage. When something happens, even if it's something minor, he'll say something sarcastic like, "This day just keeps getting better!" He complains that we will never have anything nice or never have a new car. When he feels bad, he refuses to go to the doctor because he says it will cost too much, even though we have insurance that will cover part of it.

He has been this way for the last six or seven years. I try to have a positive attitude and look forward to things getting better. I have had about all I can stand of his down attitude, and I'm about ready to see a lawyer.

By the way, it has been years since we have been intimate, and there is no affection or caring anymore -- just complaints about everything. What do you think I should do? -- TIRED OF MR. DOWN

DEAR TIRED: I think you should tell your husband that you love him and, for the reasons you told me, you think he may be suffering from long-term depression. Explain that there is help for depression, and urge him to talk to his physician about it. And if he refuses, THEN you should talk to a lawyer.