Dear Abby

DEAR READERS: The departments of psychiatry and medicine at Tufts Medical Center want to learn more about the impact that caregiving has on family members and friends of people who have been diagnosed with schizophrenia or schizoaffective disorder.

Because family members and friends of individuals with mental illness play a large part in providing care -- while also balancing jobs and other life responsibilities -- the physicians and research scientists at Tufts are asking you to share the impact caregiving has on different aspects of your life, including your ability to work and your health and well-being. This information will be used to improve services to caregivers and the people they support.

If you are interested in participating in this study, please visit tinyurl.com/TuftsCaregiver. Participation in this study is voluntary and involves completing an anonymous survey.

Dear Abby readers are the most generous and caring folks in the world, and I hope some of you are willing to help with this project.

DEAR ABBY: I am the youngest of three boys. When I was growing up, my brothers didn't have much to do with me. At times they were cruel, mocked my interests and made fun of my friends. At 19 I moved into the dorms, even though I was attending college locally.

My professional life took me away from my hometown for 25 years. Both brothers pretty much ignored me, except for calls on my birthday that were filled with awkward silence because we didn't know each other well enough to talk about anything. I lived abroad for long periods, and even though I sent emails and postcards, I never heard anything from them in reply.

Now I live back in my hometown and I am expected to participate in holiday and family events because "it's family." Please give me the words to use to refuse invitations I do not want, from a family who made it clear that they had no use for me for so long. -- WARY IN WISCONSIN

DEAR WARY: Give the following standard refusal: "Thank you for wanting to include me, but I already have other plans." No one can argue with that. I do, however, suggest you choose one holiday a year to spend with your "family" as a way of maintaining minimal contact. That way they can't accuse you of snubbing them.

DEAR ABBY: Three widowed friends of mine still have their late husbands' voices on their answering machines. I think it's spooky and in really bad taste.

Is there any way to gently suggest to them that they change their greeting to one in their own voices or an anonymous one? I'm a widow, too, and I wouldn't think of leaving my greeting that way. -- FLABBERGASTED IN FLORIDA

DEAR FLAB: Different strokes for different folks. Has it not occurred to you that these ladies not only do not find the sound of their late husbands' voices the least bit spooky, but that they might call their own numbers in order to hear it? They may also feel safer having a male voice answer their phone. Because you find it upsetting, consider texting or emailing them instead.

DEAR ABBY: I'm 18 and smarter than many people realize. I carefully evaluate every situation to find the best solution, but I can't find one for this problem. My boyfriend, who I've been with for two years, has recently started watching hermaphrodite porn on a website where there are naked pictures of local girls.

"Roy" has admitted he knows several of the girls on the site. When I told him it makes me feel insecure, he lied and said he hadn't been on it. Even though I showed him the history, he still denied it.

I don't know what to do. I feel uncomfortable with him now. I feel like I'm not satisfying him or that he wants someone else. -- INSECURE IN MASSACHUSETTS

DEAR INSECURE: While Roy may have been embarrassed to have been caught, I am still troubled by the fact that he wasn't honest with you. Whether you're not satisfying him is beside the point.

That he lied to you in the face of evidence to the contrary should be a wake-up call. The question becomes -- what else has Roy been less than truthful about? Does he have a fetish? Is he bi-curious?

It would benefit you if you could have an honest conversation with him about it. I don't blame you for feeling uncomfortable right now. Rather than search for shortcomings within yourself, take a long, hard look at Roy. Do you need a boyfriend you can't trust, particularly if you think he may have had sex with some of the individuals who appear on a porn site?

DEAR ABBY: My mother asked me on one hour's notice to take her on an errand. Although I wasn't planning on going out that day, I obliged. Because she's elderly, I parked as close to the door of the business as I could. I honestly didn't see any signs or any parking meters. When we came out, there was a $25 ticket on my vehicle. I was so upset Mom gave me a $20 bill to help.

She now says she did it because I made her feel guilty and, since it is my car and she's my mother, I should pay for the whole thing and return her money! I wouldn't have been there in the first place if I hadn't been doing her a favor. I offered to pay $15 if she'd pay the rest. She refuses.

If I'm stuck with the whole thing I will resent it and won't speak to her. After all, I am a mother, too, and if I caused something like this to happen to any of my children, I would without question pay for the whole ticket. Who is right? -- HELPFUL DAUGHTER IN NEW HAMPSHIRE

DEAR DAUGHTER: It's a shame your mother reneged on her offer, but she wasn't the person who was driving that day. I sincerely hope you won't let $20 cause a rift in your relationship because it would be childish.

In the future, look more carefully to see how the parking is posted -- and now that you know your mother can manage, be less solicitous when you're choosing a spot. (If she really isn't able to walk far, then her doctor will give her a handicapped parking tag for you to hang on your rearview mirror when you're driving her.)

DEAR ABBY: We are writing in response to the question you printed (Jan. 13) about where to find affordable counseling. Your suggestions were helpful, but we want to share another one:

2-1-1 is an easy-to-remember telephone number that, where available, connects people to information about critical, free or low-cost health and human services in their community. 2-1-1 reaches about 270 million people (90 percent of the U.S. population), covering all 50 states, the District of Columbia, Puerto Rico and Canada. It is a free, confidential resource.

Similar to dialing 9-1-1 for emergencies, calling 2-1-1 helps people seeking training, employment, food pantries, shelter, assistance for aging parents, addiction prevention programs for teens, affordable housing options and support groups. It provides a one-stop service for community referrals.

Abby, won't you share this information with your readers? Everyone knows someone who needs help. 2-1-1 is there for them. -- STAFF OF 2-1-1, ORANGE COUNTY, CALIF.

DEAR STAFF: I'm pleased to pass along this important resource, which serves such a large portion of the population. Thank you for taking the time to offer it to my readers.

DEAR ABBY: I am 28 and engaged to marry a wonderful man, "Ryan." Before I met him, I was involved in an affair with my married boss and was deeply in love with him. (I still am.) We continued our affair even after I met Ryan, and now I think I'm pregnant. I told my boss and, naturally, he's not happy about it.

I don't know how to tell Ryan or if I even want to. I have always wanted to be a mother, and now I have the chance. But I may end up doing it alone in poor financial shape. I also won't have a home to live in once my old-fashioned mother finds out I've gotten myself pregnant before marriage. Any advice? -- SCARED STUPID IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR SCARED STUPID: Yes. Take a pregnancy test to determine if you really are pregnant. If it turns out that you are, then you must tell your fiance everything. Even if Ryan walks away, the baby's father will be legally responsible for child support.

It is important that you also tell your mother what's going on. She may not be thrilled to hear the news, but I doubt she will put you and her grandchild-to-be out on the street. A generation or two ago that might have happened, but no longer.

DEAR ABBY: I know if a girl breaks off the engagement, she's supposed to return the ring to her ex-fiance. Does the situation of a wife filing for divorce fall under the same set of rules? I need a response soon. -- CRAIG IN HOUSTON

DEAR CRAIG: No. If the rings were given with the promise of marriage and the promise was fulfilled, she is not expected to return them.

TO MY IRISH READERS: A very happy St. Patrick's Day to you all. -- Love, ABBY