DEAR ABBY: I'm a divorced man dating a divorcee, "Sylvie," who is eight years younger. I recently learned she had an affair before we met, and it is affecting the way I see her.

The man she had the affair with is still married. I had an affair while I was married, and although I understand how affairs can happen, I don't condone them. It took me several years to forgive myself for the hurt my actions caused.

Sylvie tells me things are over with this man, yet she continues to do business with him. In my mind she ought to find alternative vendors to deal with. We have spoken about it, and she insists no one else in our area carries or represents the product line he offers.

I feel if she truly is over him, then all communication, both personal and professional, should cease. It's not that I don't trust Sylvie, but I believe things might reignite between them in a weak moment. Am I being ridiculous? -- DAZED IN WISCONSIN

DEAR DAZED: You're not being ridiculous, but the truth is you don't completely trust Sylvie when she says the affair is history. For her to sacrifice a necessary business contact because you are insecure would be a mistake. There would be financial consequences, and she has no guarantee that her relationship with you will progress beyond dating.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend of three years slapped me across the face a few nights ago. He has never done that before, and he promised he'd never do it again. After he hit me he immediately apologized, but said I was partly at fault because I had taunted and belittled him. I love him very much and know he would never want to hurt me.

We're both in our 20s and have expressed our devout love for each other. My boyfriend is the sweetest guy and truly makes me a happier person, but I don't know if I can fully trust and be in love with him after he hit me. I feel partly responsible for what happened that night, but I know I didn't deserve to be hit.

Is my boyfriend an abuser? He has been nothing but caring and supportive and shows no other signs of being abusive. What should I do? -- TAKEN ABACK OUT WEST

DEAR TAKEN ABACK: Let me point out that abusers do not start out relationships by being that way. But once slapping starts, it often escalates to pushing, hitting and more serious violence. One of the hallmarks of an abuser is blaming the victim by saying he/she deserved it, and it is a big, red warning sign.

Because you have said that your boyfriend has never shown any other signs of being abusive in your three-year relationship, consider this incident an unfortunate one-time occurrence. But keep your eyes wide open in case it wasn't.

DEAR ABBY: For the last five months I have been talking to a guy I met via a dating app. We live a few states apart and have yet to meet in person, but we communicate regularly.

With my tax refund this year, I'd like to do something for me. He suggested that I visit him. I don't get any red flags from him, and I'm sure I'd be 100 percent safe while I'm there. However, I'm anxious about taking a trip by myself to visit a guy I've developed a massive crush on.

I have thought about offering to pay his way here instead, or simply not going at all. I asked my friends and family for their opinions. Some of them think I should go, while others say I should pay his way here. I need advice from an outsider's perspective. -- CONFUSED AND CRUSHING

DEAR C AND C: I vote for having your friend come and visit you the first time you meet. That way your family and friends can meet him, and if your massive crush doesn't live up to your expectations, you won't be alone in a strange city and at a disadvantage.

DEAR ABBY: I live in a house with my husband, his 11-year-old son and my husband's father. I am pregnant with my first child and I get cravings for chocolate. I sometimes hide my special chocolates in my armoire so I don't have to worry about my sugar-crazed son getting to them.

However, I have recently found out that he goes through my things to find the goodies and helps himself. I feel he has stepped over the line and violated my privacy. My husband and I have confronted him about it more than once, and each time he lies and argues before he eventually admits it.

We have talked to him about privacy and make sure to give him his privacy in his room. How can we turn his behavior around and make him see that he is being disrespectful toward me? -- PREGNANT CHOCOLATE LOVER

DEAR CHOCOLATE LOVER: There should be consequences for misbehavior, and they should be explained to the boy. He should also understand there will be more severe consequences for lying to cover it up. Because you know the boy cannot be trusted, put a lock on the closet or cupboard where you stow your stash, or on your bedroom door.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been happily married for 38 years. Almost everything is great, except that the wife of his best friend, "Ted," has the hots for my husband. We all get along well, but it's obvious her interest is mostly in my husband, not me.

Ted has no idea his wife feels this way, but several people have pointed it out, and I have observed the way she acts. I have talked to my husband about it. He in no way is interested in her.

I would never want to jeopardize my husband's friendship with Ted, and I enjoy being friends with them both, but I'm uncomfortable about her feelings for my husband. Can I say something to her and let her know how I feel without ruining the friendship with her or the one my husband has with Ted? -- SITUATION IN AUSTIN, TEXAS

DEAR SITUATION: Probably not. While it wouldn't change the relationship your husband has with Ted, if you address this with his wife and tell her you know she has been lusting after your husband, it's sure to cause embarrassment. And that's not conducive to a close friendship.

DEAR ABBY: Thirty-five years ago, my wife was raped in her mother's home when she was a teenager. Eight years ago, my daughter was also raped at the age of 11 in the same home. My mother-in-law blames them both for having been raped. She told them if it did happen, they probably deserved it.

I don't understand this. How can someone take the side of the perpetrator and not their own flesh and blood? How can someone who is supposed to be nurturing, loving and caring say such terrible things to her children?

I want to call her up and give her a piece of my mind, especially since both of them are passive when it comes to this woman. Can they file a lawsuit against her for mental anguish? Help! I want to help them heal from this tragedy, and I don't know what to do. -- DISTRAUGHT DAD IN TEXAS

DEAR DISTRAUGHT: It is not unusual for families to circle the wagons when this kind of sexual assault occurs, or to blame the victim. That is why the damage persists from generation to generation. It's clear that your wife's mother is either in denial or without shame.

If the perpetrator isn't in prison or a program for sex offenders, the person you should talk to is a detective in the police force in the city where these sexual assaults happened. If your wife and daughter haven't received counseling for the assaults (and I'm betting they haven't), they should find some now.

The victims didn't "deserve" being assaulted. Counseling may help them get in touch with their anger, aim it where it belongs, and finally release it along with their passivity -- which may really be fear of expressing their emotions.

DEAR ABBY: My wife's first husband died of cancer. When we got engaged years later, she decided to keep his last name (partly in regard to her daughters) and add mine to it. She continues to display some photos of him around the house and maintains her plan to be buried with him at their common gravesite.

Whoever thinks I must be jealous or resentful about this would be wrong. I haven't experienced a long marriage, raising children or nursing a terminally ill spouse for years. Instead of demanding that my wife "prove her love" by ignoring her history, I prove my love for her -- in part -- by deferring to her choices.

Soon after our wedding we learned that I, too, had cancer. My case was treatable and I am now cured, thanks to God in heaven and my wife's tender care.

We once knew someone who couldn't bear to think of his wife's ever marrying after his death. He pleaded, badgered and practically forced her to vow she wouldn't. So this is my message for men who are jealous about a deceased or hypothetical "rival": That is your own choice and it disgraces you. Grow out of it. Be a man and love your wife while you both live. -- LATECOMER IN PASCO, WASH.

DEAR LATECOMER: Your wife is one lucky woman because she married an intelligent and pragmatic man. I hope you enjoy many more happy, healthy years together.