DEAR ABBY: While, as you replied to "Sleepy in California" (Sept. 17), some parents do "co-sleep" with their children for the first few months, what you were referring to is actually "bed sharing." Bed sharing was shown in studies several years ago to be the greatest risk factor for sleep-related deaths in young infants less than 4 months of age.

The American Academy of Pediatrics and the March of Dimes have both recommended (for years!) against bed sharing in these young infants. Instead they recommend that young infants sleep in cribs near their parents. They should of course be on their backs and should not be sleeping with blankets or toys.

These deaths, mostly from suffocation or overheating, are sad and mostly preventable. The acceptance of bed sharing due to cultural influences is difficult to overcome. Please help by taking the time to educate your readers on the dangers of bed sharing with infants. -- C. SMITH, M.D., FAAP

DEAR DR. SMITH: I appreciate your writing to me. Your point is an important one, and that I omitted it was an oversight. I hope parents of infants will take your wise counsel to heart.

DEAR ABBY: My daughter is 29, and we recently had a respectful, although heated, discussion about politics, agendas and the candidates. It turned out that we disagree on major issues, and we both can give chapter and verse about why we believe the way we do.

Something came to light, though. She's not the person I thought she was. She informed me that she had had an abortion. My feelings on this issue aren't a judgment call. This is a belief system for me, something ingrained in me. If she were a stranger, I would absolutely not be around her. Knowing what I do now, I am crushed.

She's my daughter, and we have always had our differences. But I feel so strongly about what she's doing and has done that I no longer want to be in the same room with her. She has a son I adore with all my heart, and I provide child care for him. I feel broken right now and could really use guidance. -- BROKEN IN ILLINOIS

DEAR BROKEN: I can only imagine how you must have felt to have learned about the abortion during a "heated discussion." However, there is a common misconception that women who decide to terminate a pregnancy do so lightly. They don't! If you don't know your daughter's reason for having hers, it might benefit both of you to talk calmly about it. You don't have to approve of her choice, but you should hear what she has to say.

Because you feel broken, this is something you should discuss with your religious adviser and take your cue from him or her. To cut off relations with your daughter -- and by extension your grandson -- would benefit no one.

DEAR ABBY: Are you supposed to take a gift to an engagement party? The couple has been living together. They just got engaged and are planning a wedding in two years. -- ANA MARIE IN TEXAS

DEAR ANA MARIE: A gift would be a nice gesture. It doesn't have to be lavish -- a lovely frame for their engagement picture would be thoughtful, because a wedding is now in the picture.

DEAR ABBY: The holidays are coming, and this year it's my turn to host Thanksgiving. I'm a full-time working mom with two active children, and I also volunteer. No matter how hard I will work at cleaning my house before the relatives come, I know there'll be areas that aren't spotless. There's just not enough time in the schedule.

I have relatives who will make sure to point out what needs to be done, or critique how I have arranged my furniture, or what I did or didn't prepare for the meal. How do I graciously handle these comments? I want to be an example to my children on how to be a gracious hostess, even when dealing with critical or rude comments. -- UNDER PRESSURE IN OHIO

DEAR UNDER PRESSURE: You would be amazed what a person can get away with if it's said with a warm smile. If someone criticizes your housekeeping, smile and say, "Oh, really? I must have missed it. The vacuum cleaner is in the closet. Be an angel and take care of it for me, will you?" The same goes for where you keep your duster.

If your relatives don't like what's on your menu, suggest sweetly that next time they come they bring something they will enjoy. It would be a lot more gracious than showing the person the door.

DEAR ABBY: I have been in a relationship with a wonderful man for more than a year. He has sole custody of his 10-year-old son, "Jordan." Because of our financial circumstances at the time, we moved in with each other right away. Jordan's mother is not in the picture and, unfortunately, I inherited her parenting responsibilities because of it.

Jordan is a sweet boy, but I have no emotional attachment to him. To be honest, I'm disappointed every time he walks in the door after school and I'm forced to stop what I am doing in order to care for him.

Abby, I thought I would become more attached to Jordan as time went on, but instead, I'm feeling resentful. I'm embarrassed to have made a commitment to this man and his son and to have ended up in this situation. I don't want to break up with the love of my life, but I don't want to sacrifice the next eight years of my life raising a child who isn't mine. Do you have any advice for me? -- CONFLICTED IN SACRAMENTO, CALIF.

DEAR CONFLICTED: Yes, as a matter of fact, I do. If Jordan's father is really "the love of your life," you had better accept that he and his son are a package deal and treat the child with love. If you can't manage that, then do them both a favor and bow out of the picture NOW.

P.S. And because none of this is Jordan's fault, while you're packing, assure him that your leaving has nothing to do with him, only with you. It's the truth, and that way, he won't blame himself for something that's not his fault.

DEAR ABBY: My son was married twice to different women. I had two daughters-in-law. He is now married to a man. Is his spouse my son-in-law? -- MOM IN MAINE

DEAR MOM: Yes. Refer to him as your son-in-law and, if your son is finally happy with his spouse, your "son-in-love."

DEAR ABBY: I'm 42, and the mother of three children. I love my kids, but after many years of wanting to do something about my "mommy belly," I decided to have a tummy tuck.

As a woman of color, my preference was for a sculpted, curvy shape. For aesthetic reasons, I liked the work being done in a certain foreign country. That it was cheaper there was an added plus. After months of researching, I settled on a board-certified doctor. His before and after pictures were great, and I was told that he and the clinic had a "zero percent infection rate."

Two weeks after I returned home, things quickly went bad. Fluid drained from my tummy tuck and belly button incisions. A local plastic surgeon sent me immediately to an emergency room.

At the ER, my fever was 102 and I was admitted to the hospital, where I was diagnosed with mycobacterium abscessus infection. I was hospitalized for 11 days and had surgery to manually clear the infection from my abdomen. I was sent home with a PICC line so I could continue receiving my IV meds at home.

Two months after my elective surgery, I cannot stand up straight due to the pain. The experience has been awful, and it's still far from over. I'm still on IV antibiotics, have daily nursing visits, multiple visits to the ER and have had multiple surgeries.

I won't be able to work for three to six months, and my medical bills are over $100,000. (Thank goodness I have health insurance!) The side effects of the meds I'm on are nausea, diarrhea, lack of appetite and drowsiness.

It's hard for me to take care of myself or my children. I feel guilty about the pain I'm causing my family, and I'm so depressed I don't like going places and have withdrawn from those closest to me.

I know infections are a risk with any surgical procedure and this could have happened in America, but the fact is, this infection is known to be caused by poor sterilization in the OR, and this should have been avoidable if the proper sterilization procedures were followed.

When I contacted the doctor who did my surgery, he denied that I got it from him. He offered to repair any cosmetic damage, but I'd be crazy to go back there for additional procedures. He's in no way accountable, and the system over there promotes that. As an American, I have no recourse. I'm just stuck here suffering.

I know others may have had wonderful experiences, but I want to shed light on life after surgery abroad that went wrong. I also want to encourage others to make sure they plan for the worst-case scenario: Consider who will provide extended care to your kids during periods of hospitalization, how you will pay your astronomical medical bills, and whether you can afford living on reduced or no income for the duration of treatment, which can be several months.

Thanks for printing this, Abby. -- LESSON LEARNED

DEAR LESSON LEARNED: Wow. I'm very sorry you learned all this the hard way. I hope your experience will alert readers to the fact that there's risk involved when considering surgery in countries where the regulation of hospitals and surgical facilities may not be up to American standards.