DEAR ABBY: For the past 17 years, we have hosted parties at Christmas. Although years ago they started with 15 guests and light hors d'oeuvres, the list has grown to 82 guests and a full buffet dinner and bar. It costs several thousand dollars when you factor in the servers and bartender, and it requires months of planning.

Over the years we have had guests who attend our party, but we never see or hear from them during the year unless it's to inquire about the party. We don't expect a tit for tat, but we are now at a point where we need to curtail costs. We feel used by these people, and would rather host a smaller gathering for people we consider better friends and acquaintances.

What I'm struggling with is how to respond when asked why they are no longer on the guest list. -- USED PARTY HOST

DEAR USED PARTY HOST: If someone actually has the gall to ask that question, I think you should tell the truth and respond that, "We have had to cut costs, and this year we decided to entertain only people we see on a regular basis."

DEAR ABBY: You missed the mark in your answer to "Mother Doesn't Know Best" (July 7), whose 8-year-old stepson arrives for visits in old, ill-fitting clothing, even though the father purchases new clothes for him on every visit.

I live in Ohio, and the state considers housing, food, electricity, gas and running water as part of the makeup of child support. I know this firsthand. You also need to know if the mother is working and if she contributes to her son's support. What about other expenses (toys, haircuts, uniforms, etc.)?

Part of the problem may be that Stepmom and Dad live across the country and aren't there to see what exactly goes on day to day. Yes, the little boy shouldn't be showing up at their home in clothes that are too small, but even Stepmom said he was putting on weight. -- MITZI IN DAYTON, OHIO

DEAR MITZI: Your points are well taken. However, the majority of the feedback I received about that letter pointed out that children arriving in old clothes for visits with their dads is a popular ploy that some custodial mothers use in order to get new clothes, and some even return the clothes for cash. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I had a divorced girlfriend I had confided in about this same problem. She said, "Don't you know? We always send the kids to their dad's in their worst clothing. That way, they'll have to buy them new stuff during the visit."

You can't assume that because a child arrives in worn or ill-fitting clothes that the custodial parent is unfit or that the child doesn't have lots of better clothing at home. -- MRS. D. IN VIRGINIA

DEAR ABBY: Please suggest that when Stepmom and Dad buy clothes for his son, they mark the labels with the boy's initials. The mom may be returning the items for cash and buying something she wanted for herself. -- MOM WHO KNOWS

DEAR ABBY: I'm afraid something is wrong with my younger brother. He's just turned 13, and he's become violent and angry. Before, he used to tease me and our sister once in a while, but now it's becoming an everyday thing. If we tease him back, he gets mad and starts yelling.

He directs most of his anger at our younger sister and our mom, and he has started to push my mom. She's worried that he might hurt one of us. If she confronts him when he gets out of hand, he starts yelling, "What? I didn't do anything!" Then later, he'll come back and try to push or kick her. I have noticed that he talks to himself, too.

We don't know what to do. We hear how kids sometimes harm their families. I'm afraid for my mom and my sister, but also for my brother. I love him and want to help him. -- AFRAID IN ARIZONA

DEAR AFRAID: If you want to help your brother, talk to your mother about getting professional help for your brother NOW, before he hurts someone. He should be evaluated to determine whether his problem is anger management or the onset of a mental illness. His pediatrician can refer her to a licensed mental health professional. If he doesn't have a pediatrician, the county department of mental health can suggest someone.

DEAR ABBY: Our boss has a new car with a hands-free phone feature. However, she has told us in the past that she's not a very good driver and becomes distracted easily. When she calls us while she's driving, how do we diplomatically tell her to hang up and drive? -- CONCERNED STAFF

DEAR CONCERNED STAFF: Your boss' safety is your job security. Say it to her face, and not while she's driving.

DEAR ABBY: I have terminal cancer and a five- to seven-year life expectancy, despite undergoing intense chemotherapy. I have accepted this and will not undergo further treatment. I eagerly await death.

I am divorced with two grown daughters who despise each other and have vowed to never associate with each other again. Therefore, I cannot look forward to family outings or get-togethers. I am forced to choose who to be with for each occasion.

I recently bought a T-shirt that says: "In Memory of When I Cared." When strangers see it, they laugh and say I truly can't mean that, but they are wrong. When I tell them this is how I truly feel, they say they will "pray for me." I understand why they feel compelled to say that, but I don't want anyone praying for me unless they pray for my death. How should I handle this? -- CONTENTED WITH DIAGNOSIS

DEAR CONTENTED: I'm sorry for your diagnosis, and for the fact that your daughters cannot get along -- even to give you comfort as your end approaches.

That said, when someone wears a T-shirt with a message on it, it usually invites questions. In your case, a logical question would be, "Cared about WHAT?" When you respond that you no longer care about living, the person will feel uncomfortable and try to say something positive. Unless you want to invite a long discussion, handle it by saying thank you.

DEAR ABBY: My husband recently retired from the military. We have four school-aged children. The youngest is starting kindergarten, and I would like to go back to work and finally use my college degree. My husband wants to take a job overseas, but I would likely be unable to work due to the language barrier.

I want to settle down in a location I love, doing a job I love. My husband worked hard to get this job and I hate to discourage him. I didn't realize I would feel so strongly about settling down until very recently. I don't want to move and he doesn't want to give up this job.

He suggested we live separately. Our marriage is otherwise happy, and due to the military we have had a long-distance marriage many times before, just not for as long as this would be. Should I try moving overseas? -- WANTS TO SETTLE DOWN

DEAR WANTS TO SETTLE DOWN: Yes, for the sake of your marriage, I think you should. And when you're there, explore finding a way to put the degree you worked so hard to attain to use. The experience of living in a foreign country would be good for your children, and you might enjoy the adventure yourself. If that's not the case, you can always return to the U.S. and see if a bi-continental marriage works for you.

DEAR ABBY: I am writing this as I sit in a hospital at my daughter's bedside. When staff comes into her room, she asks them to wash their hands in front of her before putting on their gloves. Several doctors took offense at this. We even posted a note on the door, asking the staff to wash up inside the room. Were we wrong? She doesn't want to increase her risk of infection. I would think that a patient worried about proper hygiene would not be sneered at by the people trying to get her healthy. -- TRYING TO STAY HEALTHY

DEAR TRYING TO STAY HEALTHY: Bravo to you for speaking up! According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, hospital-acquired infections have cost the hospital industry $30 billion and resulted in 100,000 patient deaths. A 2013 New York Times article reported that unless pushed to do so, hospital workers wash their hands only as little as 30 percent of the time they interact with patients. The problem is so widespread that some hospitals must monitor workers via video cameras or have them wear electronic badges to "encourage" compliance, while others have resorted to "bribing" workers to do the right thing.

You were not wrong to ask staffers at your daughter's hospital to wash their hands. Nobody should feel reluctant to ask for something that is standard procedure.

Because many patients in hospitals and care facilities feel vulnerable and dependent, they fear that staff will "dislike" them if they ask for too much. For patients to request handwashing is not only in their best interest, but also the hospital's. Too often, change doesn't happen in the medical profession until patients speak up and advocate for their own well-being. You would not have been "sneered at" if your request hadn't made those individuals feel defensive.

DEAR ABBY: When dining out with a group, when is the proper time to ask for separate checks? Before ordering or after the dinner is over? -- BEFORE OR AFTER

DEAR B. OR A.: Because you are with a group, it would make more sense to inform your server before he or she starts taking your orders.