DEAR ABBY: Many of your published letters come from unhappy married women. Some of them seem unable to get objective advice that would make themselves and their marriages happier. I'm fortunate to be happily married (33 years) to a wonderful woman who has a clear perspective.

Three pearls of wisdom she could share:

1. Don't sulk because your husband can't read your mind. Trust him; he'd like to help. And listen to your tone as you point out how he can.

2. The way you talk about him to your friends is an expression of your fidelity. Talk about him honestly, but with respect. If you do, he'll admire and encourage your close friendships and take a sincere interest in your friends as people. If your MO is to grouse and complain about him, in his mind and heart he will feel you're abandoning him.

3. Be clear that while your husband might say he'd like to treat you like a queen, you're both better off being equals -- partners, side-by-side. In our marriage, there is no "better half." There are two halves.

It's amazing how much joy we have experienced during our years together, based on this simple foundation. My esteem for my wife only grows each year -- something that seems impossible, but then again, fantastic things usually do. -- PETER, A GRATEFUL HUSBAND

DEAR PETER: Thank you for sharing those words of wisdom because they apply to husbands as well as wives. There's a saying: The higher the pedestal, the longer the fall. Partners who treat each other as equals and with respect -- and the key word is "respect" -- usually have long-lasting and happy unions. Those who complain behind a spouse's back, who denigrate rather than elevate, do not make themselves look better or their marriages healthier. I'm glad you wrote.

DEAR ABBY: How do you deal with adult "children" who ignore issues about their health? My 30-something son had a root canal a few days ago. His face is swollen, he has lost sleep and is in pain. His wife has tried everything to get him to get it checked out, and she just called me in desperation.

Why does he do this? It isn't the first time she and others have begged him to take care of himself. She's pregnant and they have two other small kids. He has insurance, so it's not about money. It's just so stressful for those of us who love him. He works for himself and is a high-energy guy and a great dad. -- QUESTIONING MY SON'S SANITY

DEAR QUESTIONING: Some men feel that acknowledging pain is showing weakness. They think that if they just "gut it out" a while longer, things will get better. And while many of them do, many also don't.

Pick up the phone and tell your daughter-in-law to call the dentist who did the root canal and ask whether what her husband is experiencing is normal. And if the answer is that it's not, she should tell her husband that "the surgeon wants him to come in for a recheck" to be sure his wounds haven't become infected.

DEAR ABBY: I am an atheist. My parents, although raised Presbyterian, never to my knowledge participated in organized religion, so it was not part of my upbringing.

Last year my mom started going to church again, and my kids have been going with her. I've always said they can make their own choices and I'd support them.

Mom is about to go south for the rest of the winter and there's no obvious church member the kids can go with, but they'd like to keep attending. Would it be wrong for me to go with them on Sundays, even though I don't believe in the church doctrine and won't be otherwise involved in the organization?

I'm sure I could be unobtrusive, but I'm not sure what to say if someone asks why I'm there -- especially since I'll stop going once my mother returns to town. The kids are tweens and not old enough to go alone. What do you think? -- WHAT'S APPROPRIATE?

DEAR WHAT'S: When people see one another in a house of worship, they usually assume that they are equally religious and that's why they're there. However, if you are asked why you're there, all you have to say is that your children enjoy being there and your mother is away, so you brought them. I don't think it's necessary to announce to anyone that you're an atheist.

DEAR ABBY: My husband is constantly complaining about the cost of groceries. He recently graduated from college and now works in the corporate world making substantially more than he did before. I'm 16 weeks pregnant, but before I quit my job I was working full time and would buy all the groceries. Now that my husband shares an account with me, he constantly makes me feel bad for buying food.

Abby, I'm not talking about $300 a week; it's more like $70 a week for food. Yet he spends twice that amount on beer, video games and lunches for himself. I have told him numerous times how horrible he makes me feel, and have even cried about it, but today he brought up the topic again. He is making me depressed and afraid of buying food for fear of being mocked and "guilted." What am I to do? -- THE COST OF GROCERIES

DEAR COST: Your husband should be ashamed of himself. The next time he complains, stand your ground and tell him in no uncertain terms it's time to grow up and cut it out. He's no longer a kid; he's a married man with responsibilities. Those groceries are feeding his wife and child, and you both need all the nourishment you can get right now.

Also, stress for a woman in your expectant condition isn't good for you or the baby. I think it's time the guilt trip worked both ways, don't you?

DEAR ABBY: Is it appropriate to stay in contact with my former mother-in-law? Her son and I divorced after three years. She was the best thing to come out of the whole fiasco. I don't want to cause friction, but I would like to continue to send birthday and holiday cards. -- DIVORCED WITH NO REGRETS

DEAR DIVORCED WITH NO REGRETS: I can't see how a holiday card relationship with your former mother-in-law would cause friction. However, because you are concerned, the person to ask would be the lady herself. If she would welcome the attention from you, then send them.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 23-year-old woman, and I know I should have a lot more patience than I do right now. I'm happily married with two beautiful children. After work when I return home, I'm fine for the first hour or so. But if my children start to get loud or keep asking me to do something, I get extremely aggravated.

My children are young and I love them, but I should be in more control of my temper toward them. I feel so bad when I lose it and shout at them. What can I do to improve this? -- SHORT FUSE IN GEORGIA

DEAR SHORT FUSE: I'm glad you asked, because it is important that you learn to relieve your frustration without taking it out on your children. There are healthy ways of managing frustration without exploding.

The first is to recognize that you are becoming upset. Leave the room and, if your husband is home, go for a walk or a short run to help you to regain your perspective. Another technique is to "stall" before reacting. Pause for a moment and say a prayer, "Please Lord, don't let me lose my temper!" before opening your mouth. My booklet, "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With it," contains a number of healthy ways of dealing with frustration and other negative emotions. It can be ordered by sending your name and mailing address, plus a check or money order for $7 in U.S. funds, to Dear Abby -- Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. Shipping and handling are included in the price. I hope it will be helpful to you. It's important that you get a handle on your temper so your children won't grow up thinking that verbal abuse is a normal way to handle their own emotions.

DEAR ABBY: My 25-year-old daughter suffers from Peter Pan Syndrome. Three years out of college, she wants to live an "extended dorm" lifestyle with other young men/women (and their girlfriends/boyfriends), instead of settling down and moving out with her boyfriend of two years.

She says she has "a high need for affiliation" (she needs a lot of people around 24/7). But she also has a high need for change/variety and rotates roommates every two to three years. Looking for a "mini commune" in a crowded city like San Francisco is very difficult. What makes matters worse is that she also has hobbies like sewing that require a lot of space.

Is there something wrong with this lifestyle preference? And if so, how do I help her break out of it? -- WORRIED DAD IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR DAD: At 25, your daughter is an adult. Many people her age live communally because it's less costly than living independently, and San Francisco has become so expensive that it's often their only option.

If she's already living in an "extended dorm" situation, it's her life to live and she'll learn lessons. If you feel compelled to offer her advice, suggest they relocate to a less expensive and crowded area, which may entail a longer commute, but with fewer roommates she will have more room for her hobbies.