DEAR ABBY: My friend recently had a baby and could really use my daughter's old clothes, as our girls are only a year apart and I have saved practically everything. But it will cost a considerable amount to ship several boxes, and I could use the extra money myself if I sold the clothes at a tag sale. Would I be cheap if I asked that when my friend is done with them, she donate the clothes to a charity and send me back the tax donation forms? -- WANTS TO KNOW IN CONNECTICUT

DEAR WANTS TO KNOW: First, a gentle reminder that once a gift is given, it belongs to the recipient. And yes, I believe you would come across as cheap. Either give the clothes out of the goodness of your heart, knowing you will reap rewards beyond the financial -- or donate them yourself.

DEAR ABBY: "Full of Feeling in Arizona" (Jan. 21) wrote about her husband lacking sympathy, and was worried he may not be there emotionally for her children in the event of her dying before he does. Your answer to her was to "outlive him," which had me rolling in laughter.

Perhaps another idea might be to write letters to her children now. A heartfelt letter taking family members through the loss of their mom (from their mom) or dad (from their mom who has already passed) may be very comforting to some. Or several letters for different occasions could be a beautiful gift. Just a thought. -- CHRISSY IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR CHRISSY: Other readers suggested letter writing (and a personalized video message) as potential solutions to this problem. Read on for a sampling of other comments:

DEAR ABBY: Perhaps the mom should identify a relative or family friend to be aware of this issue and ready to step in and provide some support if needed. If the children and this person are alerted beforehand, they will know whom to turn to in case Mom predeceases her husband. Each child may wish to designate his or her own source of support, but the purpose of this exercise is to reassure the mother that her kids will not be alone. -- MAURA IN OREGON

DEAR ABBY: This woman needs to know that it's OK for her husband to be hard-nosed about death. While he should be more sympathetic to the feelings of others, he wasn't raised that way. His way of handling it is to put up a wall. Some people don't have the same depth of feelings as others. Mine are much more matter-of-fact than my friends'. But I can appreciate that we all grieve in different ways. -- DAVID IN MICHIGAN

DEAR ABBY: That woman's husband could have Asperger's syndrome, a type of high-functioning autism. These individuals, although accomplished and intelligent in many areas, have difficulty processing empathy. It makes them seem uncaring. This condition makes interaction between spouses extremely frustrating and difficult. It's worth considering. -- AUDREY IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR ABBY: Could you explain to me why, as a species, men are so blind and stupid? There are millions of smart, funny, sweet, attractive -- even sexy -- eligible women to whom men do not give a second glance, or even acknowledge that these wonderful women exist. Then, these clueless guys moan about how they can't find a good woman, can't find love, have a hard time getting sex, etc., when there are scores of potentially awesome partners right under their noses! Why don't men ever grow up? Even men in their 40s, 50s and 60s suffer from the same stupidity about the dating scene as teenage boys. I repeat: WHY?! -- ELIGIBLE LADY IN ALABAMA

DEAR ELIGIBLE: Coupling up can be complicated these days, because many variables can come into play. Individuals of both sexes can be addicted to a "type" they fantasize about, chase the illusion of eternal youth by pursuing unsuitable partners and/or be commitment-phobic.

That said, you might have better luck with men if you didn't stereotype them, because some of them are encountering the same problems you are. And believe me, they are mystified, too.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 12-year-old girl who has a lot of friends at school, but lately there has been some tension coming from one of them. "Belle" missed an event that was very important to her. She's usually easygoing, but since then she hasn't been herself, and it's starting to worry some of us. We have tried everything from talking about her favorite topic to trying to write a song for her. Sometimes she acts like herself, but other times she gives me and another friend the silent treatment and the cold shoulder. Is she a friend worth keeping? -- CONCERNED FRIEND IN ALABAMA

DEAR CONCERNED: You won't know what's causing Belle to act the way she is unless you ask her directly. There may be more going on in her life than you are aware of that has nothing to do with you. If she's doing it because she's hurt and you weren't at fault, clear the air so she knows it. But understand that the time to be a friend is when somebody needs one.

DEAR ABBY: Three years ago, I lost my wife of 32 years. Every month, on the anniversary of her death, I buy flowers for my house to honor her.

I am now engaged to a wonderful woman. She understands that I will always grieve for the wife I lost, and she has always shown respect for the way I show my grief. My question is, should I stop buying flowers to honor my first wife once my fiancee and I get married and move into a house of our own? I want her to know that she holds the No. 1 place in my heart. -- TIME TO MOVE ON IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR TTMO: I'm glad you asked. Although the sentiment behind those flowers is beautiful, I do not think it would be appropriate for you to bring flowers for your late wife into the home you will share with your next one. If you feel the need to honor your first wife, place flowers on her grave on her birthday.

DEAR ABBY: I have been with my husband for 12 years, married for three. I had an affair a little over a year ago that he found out about. He has let me back into the house, but he demeans my character at every opportunity. I don't fight back because I know I am the cause of his pain.

We have a 3-year-old daughter, and I am now six weeks pregnant with his child. I do not want to argue with him, because if I had been a better wife, he would not be so angry. But the hurt I feel from his words over the past months is weighing heavy on me, especially with my new hormones. I'm holding it in, but should I leave? Become a single mother? How can I get him to a counselor? -- NEEDS COUNSELING

DEAR NEEDS: I do not mean to minimize your infidelity, but you had better take a stand and give your husband an ultimatum: Heal the marriage through marriage counseling, or you leave. Be prepared to follow through, because without professional intervention nothing will change. The situation you describe is unhealthy not only for you and your unborn child, but also for your little girl. Your daughter should not be raised to think that this toxic environment is normal.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a lesbian and have been in a relationship with a woman for two months now. She never offers to pay for our dates, and she hasn't planned or executed one, either. We're both very feminine, although she would be considered slightly more so than I am. I feel this is important because I'm somehow the more dominant one. How can I address this concern without hurting her? I would like her to reciprocate somewhat. -- DOMINANT IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR DOMINANT: Address the imbalance in your relationship by being straightforward about it. Good manners dictate that when someone has been asked out, treated, etc., that person should reciprocate. Because that's not happening, you need to discuss it with her. To do so isn't hurtful; it's common sense, because unless you do, this pattern will continue.

DEAR ABBY: I have been with the same man for six months. He has been separated from his wife for 10 years -- but not legally. When he finally decided to tell her there is someone else and he's moving on, she went crazy. She said she wants alimony and half of everything, plus the house will have to be sold because she will not allow "the new woman" to live in "her" house.

It's been a month since he told her. We talked to a lawyer about a divorce, but all he is worried about is paying alimony and losing the house. I am getting sick of hearing about it. All he keeps saying is, "I love you, but I don't want to lose my house or pay her money." What should I do? -- FIGHT OR FLIGHT IN MASSACHUSETTS

DEAR FIGHT OR FLIGHT: Your boyfriend appears to be unwilling to pay the price for a divorce. So what you should do is flee. The longer you stick around, the deeper you will become enmeshed in his drama, and the more complicated it will become.