DEAR ABBY: My fiance, "David," and I are getting married soon. We have been living together and engaged for a year, and together eight years. It takes him forever to get things done around the house or buy things we need. I have tried lists and constant reminders.

David recently lost his job and is interviewing to find another one. He loves sports, so he plays softball with his friend in a league, which takes up an entire day of the weekend. When he comes home, he wants to watch sports on TV.

The house is old (it was my grandfather's), and there's always something that needs doing or fixing. When I ask him to help, he pushes it to the next day or says he'll get to it eventually. I told him he needs to grow up and start shouldering responsibilities. This is causing our relationship to suffer. I have been wanting to see a marriage counselor, but David refuses.

We're about to get married and I'm afraid I'm walking into a trap and the rest of my life will be one in which he has all the fun and I do all the housework. Help! -- SEES THE WRITING ON THE WALL

DEAR SEES: I'll try. Before entering into a marriage, couples should have premarital counseling. Clearly, you and David haven't done that. Please understand that at this point in your relationship, he should still be on his best behavior. This may be the way he handles -- or more accurately avoids -- responsibility.

I recommend you put the wedding on hold a little longer and talk with a counselor. If he's unwilling to go, please do not let it hold you back. You will find it to be supportive, enlightening and valuable.

DEAR ABBY: My husband of 11 years and I have a running argument. I say a man should walk curbside. My husband insists that in the military, the higher-ranking officer always walks on the right. He says he "honors" me by doing so. I am grateful to have such a loving, caring spouse, but I'm not comfortable with this. Your insight would be appreciated. -- CALIFORNIA PEDESTRIAN

DEAR PEDESTRIAN: You were taught traditional rules of good manners. One of them is that when men and women walk on the street together, the man should stay toward the curb.

Back in the day, the rule was instituted because people used to empty chamber pots from second-story windows and the refuse was less likely to hit the person closer to the house. In the horse-and-buggy days, the pedestrian closer to the street was more likely to get splashed in rainy weather. (The same can happen when cars pass through puddles today.)

Because you're uncomfortable with your husband's show of chivalry, you should explain that to him. And if he continues because it has become a reflex, all you have to do is remind him and I'm sure he'll accommodate you.

DEAR ABBY: I have been married to "Amanda" for four years. During that time, my parents, especially my mother, have called her and her family "trashy" because they live in a rural area in Texas.

My mother has no reason to abuse my wife the way she does. Amanda's family has always been very kind to me. What really gets me is that my mother also grew up in a rural area. My mother has said repeatedly that if I don't get a divorce, things will never get any better between her and me. -- ABUSE IN TEXAS

DEAR ABUSE: When a man marries, he is expected to separate from his family and form a new family with his wife. You must not allow your mother to belittle and abuse Amanda, who must now come first. Because your mother has no intention of changing, it's time to get a divorce -- from HER. If you don't, she will not only make your life miserable, but also your wife's. (Happy wife, happy life!)

DEAR ABBY: Over the last 10 years, I have loaned books to friends and co-workers. Each time, the books were never returned to me. When I followed up with one friend about it, he seemed insulted that I would ask for the book back. Other people I've loaned books to never mentioned them again.

Is there some etiquette rule that allows people to keep a book that is lent to them indefinitely? If not, what's the best way to make sure my book gets returned? -- BOOKWORM IN MICHIGAN

DEAR BOOKWORM: No rule of etiquette dictates that when something is lent it is the person's to keep. The individuals you lent the books to may have been embarrassed because they never got around to reading them or lost them.

I suppose you could make clear when you lend a book to someone that you expect it back within a certain period of time -- say, a month. But the only way to "guarantee" that you get the book back is to not lend it in the first place.

DEAR ABBY: Visitations after a death provide an opportunity for friends and family to see people they may not have seen in a long time. (Except for the immediate family, everyone has a good time!) I have decided that I don't want to miss mine, so I have decided to have it on my 75th birthday. There will be food, drink and photos on the big-screen TV.

My question is, what should I call it? A "celebration of my life" seems presumptuous, but I can't think of anything better. I plan to repeat this event every five years until I'm dead, in a coma, or run out of money for the caterer. Any ideas? -- STUCK FOR A LABEL

DEAR STUCK FOR A LABEL: I can't improve on the label you have already "stuck" on your party. It will be a celebration of life, so why not call it what it is? I do have a suggestion, though: If you run out of money before your demise, make it potluck.

DEAR ABBY: My best friend, "Ann," abruptly ended our friendship seven years ago and I still can't get over it. We were friends from the time we were in first grade until we were 48. We were inseparable as children; she was the maid of honor in my wedding; and though we've lived 3,000 miles apart for most of our adult lives, we maintained a close friendship through phone calls and yearly visits.

Then Ann got mad about something I said and stopped returning calls. Finally, when I asked her what was wrong, she emailed me that our friendship "wasn't working" for her and she "wished me well." Around the time she stopped talking to me, she also cut ties with two other friends, and a couple of years later, stopped talking to her father. So this is a pattern with her.

I have solid relationships with my husband, grown kids, co-workers and other friends. Still, I can't shake this sense of loss. I miss Ann and think of her every day. I need closure, but don't know how to get it. She won't return phone calls or emails.

Losing her makes me feel like every other relationship is at risk. I now live in fear of alienating or angering my other friends. How can I overcome these emotions and get on with my life? -- SUFFERING IN SAN FRANCISCO

DEAR SUFFERING: You can get past this by scheduling some sessions with a therapist, or talking to your clergyperson. Surely by now you realize that Ann may have some issues. Please don't make them yours. Your other friends are not clones of this woman and are not likely to react in the extreme way she does. While counseling may not lessen your sense of loss, I hope it will give you a measure of peace of mind.

DEAR ABBY: My daughter's "Great Aunt Sally" sent her a high school graduation card and check a year too early. Sally is her grandmother's sister on her dad's side. Her dad and I are no longer together, but I'm still friendly with his mother and aunt. Her dad is not the right person to handle this, so it's up to us.

We don't want to offend or embarrass Aunt Sally by returning the check. Should I have my daughter return it with a thank-you note explaining the error? Or should I have her keep it and send a thank-you note letting her aunt know that her thoughtfulness is appreciated? Since this lady has a great sense of humor, I'm leaning toward the latter, but I don't want to keep something that isn't yet earned. Help! -- MOM OF AN ALMOST-GRAD

DEAR MOM: A gracious thank-you note is, of course, in order. Your daughter should keep the card and the check, and mention in her note that she graduates next year, because if Aunt Sally hears it from another relative, she may wonder why your daughter didn't tell her herself. If Aunt Sally has the sense of humor you say she does, she will take the news in stride.