DEAR ABBY: My wife, "Rita," and I separated a year ago. Our divorce is pending. The man she's seeing, whom I believe she was cheating with before we split, has a violent criminal past. He has already cheated on Rita with his ex-girlfriend, the woman who had him locked up in the first place.

Rita caters to him to the point that she ignores our kids. When he shows up, they often "retire" to the bedroom and my children are on their own for dinner. She even paid his bail when we were supposed to be saving for our daughter's school trip, which meant I ended up paying her half.

She is oblivious. She believes the kids want to spend time at my place only because there's a game system here. Our daughter is slightly overweight, and Rita and I had agreed to make sure we keep up her self-esteem. I don't think Rita's behavior is helping in this area at all.

My kids want him gone. They have expressed this to their mother, but she keeps making excuses to keep him around. They have told me she comes apart when he's not there. Could she be terrified of being alone? Is it possible to make her realize how this is affecting our kids? Or am I making too much of all this? -- PERPLEXED IN MINNESOTA

DEAR PERPLEXED: Your wife may have a severe fear of being alone, but if it's true that she can't function when he's not there, there may be other emotional issues as well. Please understand that now that you are separated, you cannot dictate how often she sees this man, or in what room of the house. However, because she appears to be unable or unwilling to be present for her children when he's there, consider having a calm, non-accusatory conversation with her about them staying with you "a while" -- a long while. She may surprise you and be open to it.

DEAR ABBY: A friend of a friend was looking for a weekend getaway. I offered my summer home to the couple at no cost. I love the place and spend all my summers relaxing there. They quickly accepted.

I gave them the keys, they left for the weekend and she texted me to say they arrived. Two hours later, I received another text saying that they could not stay there because their allergies were really bad and they had to leave.

I felt bad, but they were well aware of my two large, hairy dogs. I'm not a dirty person. Quite a few people come and stay at the summer house, and no one has ever left before. How should I react when I see them again? I thought I was doing something nice. -- FEELING BAD IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR FEELING BAD: You were doing something nice, and you should not take what happened personally. Some people are extremely sensitive to animal dander, which is what likely caused your guests to leave. It was in no way a criticism of your skills as a housekeeper. While you may have been able to remove all or most of the dog hair, you may have missed flakes from their skin that were imbedded in the upholstered furniture and which triggered the allergic reaction. Let it go, and when you see these people, treat them as you always have.

DEAR ABBY: I was divorced three years ago, and recently went on some dating sites to find a possible companion. All the women I met had posted photos that looked nothing like them. It was embarrassing.

You usually meet in a public place, so the gentlemanly thing to do is continue the encounter, only to not follow up. It would be so much nicer if women posted a recent photo/selfie so that there would be no surprises at the first date.

Case in point: I had a date with a lady whose photo showed her to be slim, with black hair. When she showed up she had white hair and she had gained at least 30 pounds. She recognized me from my profile photo, which was recent. Because I'm a gentleman, I made no mention of the discrepancy and made the most of our lunch.

I think women would be wise to place a recent photo on their profile with the caption, "What you see is what you get." It would eliminate any surprises. -- DISAPPOINTED IN VERMONT

DEAR DISAPPOINTED: I agree that there should be more truth in advertising, which is why I'm printing your letter. However, the same can be said for men who have also been known to fudge the truth about their height and weight, and whose photos feature them wearing baseball caps to hide their baldness. There will be a better outcome and fewer disappointments if the "moment of truth" comes before the meeting.

DEAR ABBY: I am very frustrated because my soon-to-be husband doesn't shower often enough. He showers about twice a month -- and that's it. I have tried convincing him to get in the shower with me as foreplay, but he refuses. When I ask him why he won't shower, he says he showers "enough." He doesn't seem depressed or moody. He just smells really bad -- especially "down there."

All of this is recent. Because he washes so infrequently, I have become less willing to have sexual contact with him. His hygiene problems are major. When we first got together, he showered daily or at least every other day. He doesn't understand how disgusted I am. His behavior is extremely gross and unhealthy. Help! -- THE CLEAN ONE

DEAR CLEAN ONE: You are absolutely right. Your fiance's poor hygiene is extremely gross and unhealthy. He understands how disgusted you are; he just doesn't care. He cleaned up before because you hadn't been "wooed and won" yet. He may change in the future, but not for the better.

You say this personality change is recent. You might be doing him a favor to suggest that it's time for a checkup with his doctor.

DEAR ABBY: What is proper elevator etiquette? I've always assumed that passengers should exit the elevator before new ones get on. However, I have seen some people push their way through the door while people are exiting. Shouldn't they wait until everyone has left the elevator before entering? It seems like common sense to me. -- ANN IN NEW YORK

DEAR ANN: It is common sense, and it's also the rule of etiquette. The people you describe are impatient, ignorant or rude.

DEAR ABBY: My former spouse and I are divorced and share a 3-year-old daughter. Soon after the baby was born, my ex came out as transgender and now lives as a woman.

I have always been supportive of her transition, adopting her new name, feminine pronouns, etc., but now she wants something I'm not comfortable with. She wants our daughter to think she is her "second mommy," not her daddy. She doesn't want any association with being her biological father, and won't even acknowledge it.

It would be one thing if we actually were a same-sex couple and the father was a random sperm donor, but my ex actually is my daughter's father. All this so my ex can live in a fantasy world? This is causing a lot of tension between us. Am I right? Or is it OK to tell your kid a flat-out lie about who her dad/second mom is? -- THROWN BY IT IN OHIO

DEAR THROWN: What does your ex plan on telling this child when the question, "Where is my daddy?" eventually comes up? I do not advise lying. The truth always has a way of coming out, and believe me, it's only a matter of time until this one does. Better your child not be caught flat-footed when it happens.

Your daughter should be told the truth in stages and in an age-appropriate manner. PFLAG can help you to figure out how to do it. It can be contacted at pflag.org or call 202-467-8180.

DEAR ABBY: A close female relative hosts "parties" quite often. When she sends the menu for each of us to choose what we would like to make, she states that all the recipes must be dairy-free, cheese-free, butter-free and soy-free. She is the only one among us who is on a special diet.

I agree that a few of the dishes should cater to her needs, but all of them? It really limits what we can make and inhibits some from bringing their "specialty." Some of us feel she's behaving in a very self-centered manner and that it's wrong because she's drawing all of the attention to herself.

Isn't expecting 30 people to eat at the party based on her diet too much? She sees nothing wrong with it. When I invite her for dinner, I prepare something for her, but the rest of the meal is for the entire group. What is our answer here? -- LIMITED IN THE EAST

DEAR LIMITED: If others feel the way you do, the answer is to tell your relative the truth -- that what she's asking from her guests is too much. Her behavior does seem excessively controlling. I can see her asking a few guests to prepare something taking into consideration her dietary restrictions, but frankly, I'm surprised so many people have been willing to continue to participate in these potlucks. From where I sit, they're a lot to swallow.

DEAR ABBY: Do I have the right to respectfully, tactfully and straightforwardly ask my children's father to leave his mistress/wife home during our son's joint birthday party? -- HOPING FOR A YES

DEAR HOPING: Yes, you do. And when you do, hope that he will respectfully, tactfully and straightforwardly comply -- but don't bet on it.