DEAR ABBY: I have been married for two years, and my husband has three grown children. He was recently planning a getaway with the youngest and included me in the plans. I didn't want to interfere and suggested that his child might want to spend some one-on-one time with him. I later learned that not only were his other kids going, but their spouses were as well. Everyone was included but me. I felt very hurt to be excluded.

When I shared with him how I felt, his response was that he couldn't control his kids, but I feel he could have controlled his response. To exclude me was deliberate. When I told him how hurt I was, he got less than an inch from my face and started screaming about my kids (who love him like a father). It scared me because he was in my face. I have never had a man scream in my face like that before. I don't know what to do. I was truly terrified. -- LOST IN THE EAST

DEAR LOST: Your husband may have reacted the way he did out of guilt. If you haven't already, tell him that no one has ever spoken to you the way he did and that it terrified you. Tell him that when someone acts that way, the natural conclusion of the person being bullied (which is what he was doing) is to fear the verbal attack will escalate to physical violence.

If he can't explain calmly why he overreacted when you said you were hurt, then the two of you could use some sessions with a marriage counselor. If he refuses to go, go without him. He was less than honest in not disclosing beforehand that everyone but you would be vacationing together. During some of your counseling sessions, consider discussing healthy ways to disagree and the dynamics of "vacations with the kids" -- both his and yours -- in the future.

DEAR ABBY: Years before my dad passed away, he started keeping a notebook he called "Jack's Doomsday Book." In it he listed account numbers and balances, names of banks, passwords, locations of documents and other detailed instructions on how to take over his responsibilities if he was incapacitated. He always told Mom and me that if something happened, to find that notebook in which everything was written down.

Mom died first, so when Dad became ill years later, he made sure I had the notebook. I can't tell you how much easier it made things. I didn't have to go searching through paperwork to figure out what was what. I knew the banks I had to go to and what to bring. It was all there, down to the changes he had made after Mom passed. Even our financial adviser was impressed at how easy Dad made everything for us. Everyone should have a doomsday book. -- JACK'S GIRL IN LOUISIANA

DEAR JACK'S GIRL: I couldn't agree more. I admire your father's pragmatism. Too many adults fail to plan ahead for this kind of inevitability, which causes additional problems for survivors at a time when they are trying to cope with their grief. Readers, if you haven't already done something similar, you should consider it.

DEAR ABBY: My best friend is getting married next year and I am supposed to be the maid of honor. I am Jewish, and she scheduled her wedding on the first day of Passover. This also means her rehearsal dinner will be during my family's first Seder.

How do I explain to her that for the first time in my life, she has broken my heart? It seems her family doesn't understand that Jewish holidays are as important as theirs. She is asking me to choose between my beliefs, my family and our friendship.

What do I say to her, or should I just decline to be in her wedding? With 52 weekends in a year, I feel like she could have found another day. -- BROKENHEARTED IN BOSTON

DEAR BROKENHEARTED: Your friend was under no obligation to time her wedding date to avoid conflicting with your religious ritual. If you are wise, you will put aside the temptation to lay a guilt trip on her. Explain that you will be unable to be part of her wedding party the same way you explained it to me. Because you are strictly observant, you should make clear to her why this religious observance takes precedence over her wedding.

DEAR ABBY: As my children have grown older, I have regarded myself as matriarch of the family, giving advice and help where I think it's needed. Lately, though, I'm afraid my relationship with them may have taken a turn for the worse. I can't seem to stop criticizing.

Recently they sat down with me and told me they dread coming to visit, are sick of my "mother-in-law" treatment of their spouses and collectively wish I'd check my tongue. I meant well, but my kids are right. The problem is, I'm afraid I can't stop. Trying to hold my opinions back leaves me anxious and depressed.

My family is pretty normal, and I don't want to alienate anyone. But I am having difficulty dialing back these habits and don't know where to turn. -- CRITICAL MATRIARCH IN UTAH

DEAR MATRIARCH: When the urge to criticize becomes overwhelming, bite your tongue or leave the room. The only exception would be if you see an impending disaster.

I'll share with you some advice my mother gave me years ago: The most unwelcome advice in the world is that which is unasked for. Take it to heart and your relationship with your adult children and their spouses may improve.

DEAR ABBY: I'm planning to travel to another state in September and trying to save up for the plane ticket. The issue is, I'm going during my birthday. I'd like my family to help me with the cost of the trip, even if it's only $5 to $10, instead of buying me gifts. How do I go about telling them that, instead of gifts, I'd prefer money without sounding ungrateful or pushy? I just would really like help paying for my trip. -- FAMILY HELP

DEAR FAMILY HELP: Because you would prefer cash to tangible gifts, a way to approach this would be to confide your preference in your mother or another close relative and let that person spread the word. Good luck!

DEAR ABBY: I'm a mother of three beautiful little girls. I'm nervous about having to talk with my oldest about puberty and sex. She's turning 10, and I know I need to start explaining certain things to her, but I have no idea how. My mother never sat me down and talked to me about anything, really, so my mom would not be of much help. Any advice you can offer would be greatly appreciated. -- MINNESOTA MOM OF THREE

DEAR MOM: You can spare your daughter a frightening experience when her first period arrives if you start talking to her now, before it happens. Start the conversation by making the message positive -- that she will "become a woman" soon and tell her what to expect. Show her what to do in case you are not there and what supplies she will need to take care of herself. That's step one.

A short time later, ask her what she knows about reproduction. Because reproduction is taught in some schools, she may surprise you by how much she already knows. If she doesn't, start talking to her about how her body works and your family values. It is important that parents also talk to their children about drugs and alcohol well before they start to experiment. My booklet "What Every Teen Should Know" covers sexuality as well as other topics, including dating, peer pressure, sexually transmitted diseases, drugs and alcohol. It can be ordered by sending your name and address, plus check or money order for $7 (U.S. funds) to Dear Abby Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. Shipping and handling are included in the price. Order it for yourself and review it before starting your discussions with your daughter. My Teen booklet has been distributed in doctors' offices as well as by educators and religious leaders. The more information you can provide your daughters, the better prepared those girls will be to make informed choices in the future.

DEAR ABBY: I've been with my girlfriend for seven years and, for the most part, our sex life is great. However, we've had disagreements when I suggested ways to spice it up.

I proposed costume/role play where she would dress up as an elf or other fantasy genre character. She hates the idea (and elves) and suggested lingerie (which I have bought for her in the past, but gets worn once or twice before being thrown away). I don't think my suggestion is outrageous compared to some of the letters I've seen in your column over the years. Am I wrong for thinking she's being closed-minded? -- COSPLAY CURIOUS IN CALGARY

DEAR "COS": It strikes me that your girlfriend may be more clothes-minded than closed-minded. It's a fact of life that some people are more sexually adventurous than others. Because she finds the idea of dressing as an elf unappealing, choose another fantasy figure you can agree upon.