DEAR ABBY: I'm a woman who was honorably discharged from the military recently and am now in an electrical construction apprenticeship. I'm starting a great career in a field I love that can give me a comfortable living without having to rely on a second job.

My problem is my family. Most of them are convinced that I hate men or I wish I was one. The rest are sure that I will emasculate anyone I would start dating.

I'm not a lesbian, and I like being female. I have no problem with anyone who follows different life paths than mine. My family is basing these opinions purely on what I have chosen to do for work. In their opinion, because I chose to work in what is considered nontraditional employment for "nice young ladies," as they put it, and can work on my house and car without extra assistance, it must be true.

I have tried repeatedly to explain that what I have chosen for a living has no bearing on my gender identity or my sexual orientation. They are completely ignoring anything I have to say about my life and life choices. Sometimes I wonder how I'm even related to these people. If I were asked to deploy back to the war zone, I'd happily leave tomorrow, because it would be easier than dealing with the small-minded, narrow viewpoints I'm encountering here at home. -- HOW CAN I MAKE THEM LISTEN?

DEAR HOW: It is beyond sad that you would find returning to a war zone more appealing than dealing with the pressure you're receiving because of your career choice. But please try not to blame your family for their outdated thinking. Many people are unaware that women are now being trained -- and succeeding in -- high-paying jobs once held only by men.

Because your relatives refuse to believe that you're heterosexual, stop wasting your time trying to convince them otherwise. Live your life in an authentic way, and if you meet a nice man and decide to settle down with him, eventually they'll realize they were mistaken.

DEAR ABBY: I am in my late 40s and live in New York City. I was taught to hold doors open for women and to allow women to exit the elevator first. Problem is, in our lobby there are two separate glass doors that must be opened to walk outside the building. If I let a woman neighbor leave the elevator first, she will then have to open and hold both doors for me. But I always feel awkward if I don't allow them out first, and I sometimes worry they think I'm rude for walking ahead. Sometimes I even want to explain my actions. I just figure holding and opening two heavy glass doors is more polite than allowing someone to exit the elevator first. What's the proper protocol in a situation like this? -- A GENTLEMAN IN NEW YORK

DEAR NEW YORK GENTLEMAN: While it is polite for a man to hold a door open for a woman, it would also be considered good manners if she returns the favor if she's the first to reach the lobby door. As to the rule of etiquette for elevators, the person at the front of the elevator should exit first, if the elevator is crowded.

DEAR ABBY: I'm in my early 20s, and my 18-year-old sister, "Judy," is attending community college. All my memories of her consist of her putting me down. We reconciled just as I was moving out.

Abby, she is extremely dependent on the family. She cannot do for herself. If I refuse to help her, I am told by my family that I'm selfish or a "b----." They have a running joke that she's going to live with me and be dependent on me when our parents die. I have heard that Judy is actually OK with it and looks forward to the day I can support her.

I have tried pointing out that it's neither healthy nor realistic, and her issues aren't my fault, but again, I am put down. They say we're family and it's my job to take care of her. But when did family become a job? -- OVERWHELMED SISTER

DEAR OVERWHELMED SISTER: Rather than listen to hearsay, ask your sister directly if she expects you to support her in years to come, because it may not be true. However, if it is, she needs to hear firsthand that it's not going to happen.

If your parents truly believe that your sister will not become self-sufficient, point out to them that they had better start putting money into a trust for her, if they haven't already, and name a trustee other than you. Being her caretaker is not your job, and you should not allow yourself to be bullied, shamed or ridiculed into agreeing to it.

DEAR ABBY: My fiance always sets his alarm for between 5 and 6 a.m. for work or school. His clock has two alarms, which he sets 10 minutes apart. If he doesn't get out of bed on the second alarm, he either hits "snooze" or turns it off and goes back to sleep.

On Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, I wake up at 5 a.m., so I make sure he's awake before I leave at 5:30. However, on Tuesdays and Thursdays -- or any day that I don't get up to wake him -- he's late for work or school.

I have tried telling him that I won't wake him up and he needs to be responsible for himself because I don't want to get up every morning at 5. This hasn't worked. Help! -- MORNING MARY IN MOSCOW, IDAHO

DEAR MARY: I'll try, but you may not like what I have to say. Much as you want to help your fiance, what you have done is enable him to "mom-ify" you. Until he suffers the consequences for his chronic tardiness, nothing will change, and he will continue to place the burden of dragging him out of bed squarely on your shoulders.

DEAR ABBY: My husband, daughter and I all have birthdays in the same month. My mother-in-law always sends gifts for me and my daughter, but never to my husband, her son. He tries to shrug it off, but I know it bothers him.

In earlier years, I thought it was an oversight. I have tried gentle reminders and hints, but again this year there was no gift for her son. It would be different if she sent one only to our daughter, but sending one to me and not to her son is a slap in the face. They have a fairly good relationship, and my husband is kind and generous to his parents.

I haven't opened the gift she sent me this year, and I do not intend to. Should I return it to her with a note explaining why, or donate it and forget about it until it happens next year? -- PERPLEXED IN THE NORTHWEST

DEAR PERPLEXED: Your mother-in-law's behavior strikes me as passive aggressive. That it makes you uncomfortable is understandable. Perhaps you and your husband should ask her directly why she does this and let her explain. Then, after you have heard her out, you can tell her that what she's doing makes you uncomfortable, and you would prefer she not send you any more birthday gifts if she intends to ignore her son.

DEAR ABBY: I hate the fact that since I have started high school, I'm restricted by the rules that guys and girls can't be friends unless they're dating. It has been worse since I got into my relationship of 2 1/2 years. I'll be 19 soon, and I have always had guy friends. I find them easier than girls.

My mother says that when you're in a relationship, it is disrespectful to have friends who are guys. My boyfriend and I fight all the time over this issue, and I have had to cut off some of my guy friends because of it. I hate not having anyone to talk to or hang out with except my boyfriend. It has left me with bad blood between me and my old friends. Is this a rule that I didn't know about? I just don't get it, but I know I need help. -- TEEN IN DELAWARE

DEAR TEEN: What your mother may have meant when she said it is disrespectful to have male friends when you are in a relationship is that many men find it threatening. You are young, and at your age it is appropriate that you should be socializing with more than one person. Your mistake was in getting into an exclusive relationship with someone who tells you who you can and cannot be friends with. Break it off, and you may be sad for a while, but you will also be free to grow.

DEAR ABBY: When a large-breasted woman is standing and saluting for the national anthem at sporting events, where should the right hand be placed? Above her breast, under her breast or on her breast? -- JUST WONDERING IN FLORIDA

DEAR JUST WONDERING: It depends upon whom the right hand belongs to. If it's someone else's hand, it should be kept to oneself. If it's the large-breasted woman's hand, it should be placed on her chest toward the top of her left breast.