DEAR ABBY: I have just learned that a neighbor lost his wife. She died during childbirth. As a wife and mother, all I can think about is that newborn baby boy and his two beautiful sisters. It breaks my heart. I have never spoken to him, but I did chat from time to time with his wife.

I would like to offer help to the father, but I don't know how I should approach him or even if I should. Please offer me some advice. -- GRIEVING FOR THEM IN HAWAII

DEAR GRIEVING: Reach out to your neighbor by writing him a short note saying that you heard the tragic news and would like to offer your condolences. Explain that although you didn't know his wife well, you had spoken with her occasionally. Then offer the kind of help you are willing to give -- perhaps meals for his freezer or child care if the need arises. I am sure if you do, the gesture will be appreciated.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I enjoy going to estate sales. Recently, we were shocked when we heard an estate sales representative ask an older lady if she could afford what she was looking at. The woman answered "yes." Shortly after that, as the woman was leaving, the estate representative asked her if she could search the pockets in her jacket! She said "yes," and nothing was found on her. The estate sales representative followed up with, "You know how it is."

We were appalled, to say the least. We had been browsing right along with the older lady and saw nothing suspicious. What do you make of this? Should we have said something? -- GRACIE IN NEW MEXICO

DEAR GRACIE: Since I wasn't there, I can't guess at what may have triggered the sales rep's suspicions, but her treating a prospective customer in such a heavy-handed manner is surprising. I have seen wealthy shoppers at more than one estate sale who "dressed down" to enable themselves to get a better bargain. That said, I think you were wise not to intervene. To have done otherwise might have caused a scene and embarrassed the shopper even more than she already was.

DEAR ABBY: My parents are driving me crazy. About six months ago they opened a little store close to where we live. Every day since it opened, they have made me work with them, on the weekends as well as after school until 6 p.m., when Dad gets there.

I'm tired of working there. They don't pay me and are very strict. I want to tell them I don't want to work there anymore, but I'm afraid if I do they will punish me. Can you tell me what to do? -- DRIVEN CRAZY IN ILLINOIS

DEAR DRIVEN CRAZY: I don't know how old you are, but your parents wouldn't be doing this if they didn't need your help. Please try to step up to the plate with less resentment. By being involved in the family business, you are learning not only responsibility, but also skills that will be valuable when you are older.

What you need to do now is recognize that your parents need you and, provided the work doesn't conflict with your schoolwork and normal social life, be proud that you are capable enough to contribute in a meaningful way.

DEAR READERS: In the words of Rev. Martin Luther King Jr., who in 1968 was martyred in the cause of civil rights, and whose birthday we remember today: "We must accept finite disappointment, but we must never lose infinite hope."

DEAR ABBY: I love my grandson dearly. He lived with us off and on growing up because there were problems in his birth family. Our relationship was always close and loving. I confess that we spoiled him out of fear that at any moment his mother would stop us from seeing him.

When he grew up he joined the military and met a girl on the opposite side of the country who he's planning to marry. The problem is, she's insecure and doesn't want him to have any contact with his family or friends.

To say our hearts are broken doesn't describe our feelings of abandonment and sorrow. While we think he's making a mistake by marrying such a controlling person, we realize it's his decision to make. We wouldn't dream of interfering, and we wish them happiness.

Please help me deal with all this hurt. How do we cope with our feelings of betrayal and rejection from someone we love so dearly? We have done nothing to deserve being treated this way. -- CAST ASIDE

DEAR CAST ASIDE: Your grandson may have joined the armed forces, but where his love life is concerned, the stronger partner is his fiancee. The situation you have described is sad, but not as unusual as you may think. I have heard from heartbroken parents whose sons turned their backs on them after the wedding because their wives' parents took precedence.

How they cope with their hurt and disappointment varies. Some of them talk to their religious advisers, others to therapists. The healthy ones keep their eyes forward and go on with their lives, and that's what I am hoping you eventually decide to do. You have my sympathy, believe me.

DEAR ABBY: My neighbor, "Sandy," gave me a "thank-you pie" she had baked, saying it was a family recipe. I am aware that I have reactions to the standard allergens of life, bee stings and poison ivy, but after one bite of her pumpkin pie, I felt an intense burning sensation in my mouth and my throat swelled up. I always keep medication with me so I was able to check the reaction and stay out of the emergency room.

Sandy has called twice and left messages asking if I liked her pie. I haven't responded because I'm not sure what to say to her. I'd really like to know what was in that recipe so I can avoid it in the future. -- NO MORE PIE, PLEASE

DEAR N.M.P.P.: Apologize to Sandy for not returning her call sooner and explain that you didn't because you had a serious allergic reaction to one of the ingredients in her thank-you pie. Tell her you were fortunate to have had medication with you or you would have wound up in the emergency room. Then ask her what ingredients in the pie might have caused the reaction so you can avoid them in the future. It's a legitimate question, and if Sandy is a friend as well as a good neighbor, she will tell you.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 16-year-old girl, and I'm pretty sure I'm the most insecure thing on the planet. I always feel self-conscious. Although I guess it's normal for kids my age to feel like this, it's at a whole different level for me.

I feel like everyone, including my closest friends, don't like me or care about me as much as I care for them. I try to distance myself from people so I won't seem annoying or clingy, but that has left me socially deprived.

I don't have a best friend either. I have multiple "kind of" friends. I'm scared to get close to anyone, and too shy to make new friends. And yes, I know, having friends isn't the most important thing in the world, but it's still pretty important because you need to have people there for you, to trust and to have fun and make memories with.

I always feel like a burden to everyone and like everyone who is nice to me is only doing it out of pity. This year I wasn't invited to even one Sweet 16 party because I have distanced myself from everyone. No one, except for two kids, talks to me at school, and when the teacher asks the class to partner up, I'm usually left alone.

A lot of this "no one likes you, everyone hates you" paranoia comes from my parents, because when I was younger, they said it to me repeatedly. I only have a few internet friends. They're the only best friends I have, but unlike me, they have lives outside of the internet. I'm the loser. Please help. -- COMPLETELY WORTHLESS

DEAR COMPLETELY WORTHLESS: Please do not compare your life with the lives of the people you know from the internet because the information can be misleading. In an online world, everything seems rosy because people are less likely to post about their disappointments.

In the real world, let me point out that parents are supposed to support and encourage their children, not belittle and denigrate them. Because you need more mentoring than I can offer in a letter or a column, I hope you will discuss your issues with a counselor at school who may be able to help you receive professional counseling to overcome the verbal abuse you have experienced at home. Please write me again and let me know how you are doing because I care.

DEAR ABBY: What's a polite way to respond to friends who ask, "Are you having a baby shower?" when no one has offered to throw me one?

My husband and I are expecting our first child, and we are thrilled. My family is unable to host a baby shower (which I understand would be a breach of etiquette anyway) and my husband has no family.

I'm not particularly wedded to the idea of having a shower, since my husband and I are well established and I don't really like being the center of attention. Still, if someone offered, I would graciously accept. I feel awkward when I am asked this question because I don't want to seem entitled or expectant or like I'm feeling sorry for myself. Do you have any way to say, "No one has offered, but I'll let you know if they do"? -- EXPECTANT MOM IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR EXPECTANT MOM: Honesty is the best policy. Your answer to that question is perfectly acceptable. It's the truth, and it may cause some of your friends to step up to bat.